What is this technique called and why is it working?

[secular39]

Hello everyone,

So- whenever I had a bad day or became involved in a conflict with someone. I would be stewing for days, avoiding the person, become consumed or worried and thus, impacting on my mood and not able to enjoy the rest of my today.

I made a New Years relation to myself that I will not allow anyones negativity keep me down. It will go through one ear and straight out the other ear. I will enjoy my life with peace and let peoples rude remarks wash over me.

Now. I'm saying I'm not a pushover. I'm definitely not and can be feisty back. But every time I argued or stewed in anger, it will make me feel tired and I don't want to waste my limited energy on things that are not important for me. So this is what I have been currently doing;

1. My manager and I don't get along. She can be very critical, argument and likes to put members of the team down. I'm one of them. Usually, I'll snap back. But for the past couple of months, I have adopted a new technique:

Manager came in to the office, shouting, and told me that she did not like a piece that I'd written, and that how I'm failing the team, that it's not up to standard and it's the worse piece of work that she has ever seen (she said this in front of a few colleagues who were in the office). I turned to look at her and said "Ohno, that's a shame. I really worked hard on it and was not given any direction. But appreciate the feedback and will provide a draft report by X date and will amend accordingly". My manager paused, looked at me dumbfounded and turned away. I saw her later on the day and gave her my biggest fake smile (even though I was rolling my eyes x100 in my head).

2. My brother gave my abusive ex husband my poor dad's number only for my ex husband to harass my father daily (I have blocked his number from my fathers phone). I confronted my brother about this and he shouted a load of abuse. He sent me very hurtful voice messages and my response to him was "ok". This seemed to have upset him further. He proceeded to send another load of voice messages. I blocked his number. I felt good.

3. I booked a taxi and told the driver that I will be 5 minutes late from the time he comes to my destination ( as a meeting had slightly run over). Taxi driver was ok with this and said it was fine. I arrived exactly 5 minutes late as to what I warned the driver. He saw me and began shouting at me through his car window saying "I had a doctors appointment! Now I am late! Silly woman! You don't think we have other jobs". I looked at the taxi driver like , slowed down my breath and said "I'm sorry. But I no longer need the taxi. Have a good day :)". He kissed his teeth and drove off.

I felt good Mumsnetters. Before I will get riled up, upset, will think about it for days. But I wonder if this is what peace fills like, not allowing the stresses of the day consume you and allow it to spoil any joyous moments.

Anyway, what is this technique called? Is it a technique that I can indeed using?

I love the idea that we only have a limited number of quality fucks to give and therefore should make sure that we only give those fucks to people that deserve it or events that really matter.

If you've never seen this before

So would I

I am not good at letting things go!

Just thinking about someone that was rude to me ages ago can make me😠

Great attitude.

I wouldn't tolerate your manager's behaviour though. I don't know what type of company you work for, but that wouldn't fly where I work and she likely be facing a disciplinary investigation.

Agree

Oh yes. That is a whole other thread. But I have made a complaint and have been liaising with my union. She will get her tuppence!

I think I gave tried to develop this a bit too or I'm still trying! I think for me it's about feeling of who is winning probably not consciously though. So with the manager you know you're not shit at your job and she's just a dick! So you don't let that suck your energy and she's not wining by making you feel shit. Plus there's definitely a bit of a smugness to knowing someone's intention to make you upset didn't work.

Have not gave

I’m moving to this. My boss is a control freak who criticises everything. She’s new to me and initially it really upset me. I don’t have anyone in my corner anymore (previously had amazing bosses). She’s been awful and it used to upset me as I took it so personally and desperately tried to run around redoing work that didn’t need redoing because it wasn’t wrong just different to how she would have done it. Dh pointed out I’m not on a performance review. He works in the same type of work but different organisation at my boss’ level so I even began sharing work with him to check. Anyway, my work is fine. It still bugs me in a roll my eyes kind of way but I’m not crying anymore.

I think you are being assertive, with a sprinkling of grey rock. I wish there was more support for women to become assertive.

I call it Reasonabling someone. If you bite back or cower, their response has the desired effect. But if you're just neutral and reasonable, the other person either looks like a dick or feels like a dick.

I would describe this as de-escalation, it is exactly what to do in high stress conflict. It is a mature response (usually to immaturity) and allows all participants to take a step back, and reflect. The opposite of course is escalation, responding in kind which leads to lose/lose or win/lose outcomes. When ideally you want a win/win.

I would have said 'Grey Rock' but I like what others have suggested about ' The Art of Not Giving a Fuck' - I think I need to read up on this.

I'd also say you need a new job, OP. Life is short. Is that not a practicable?

Yes sounds like a great plan! I had a random woman roll her window and shout abuse at me because she thought I took too long to reverse for her along a narrow country lane where horse riders, walkers etc are. Initially I felt a bit upset but then I realised it was actually her issue and noting to do with me personally.

Absolutely in awe OP, I'm a sensitive wee hermit and avoidance is my technique unless I woman up. Xx

How would you react to the situation were you are on a school run and some guy in a huge car tries to squeeze into a tiny space behind you and keeps bumping your car? Honestly I was cool headed when I got out of the car but when he was flatly denying it (though he was still attached to my car) I lost it... still eating at me this morning... what would you have said?

I'd be inclined to say nothing, but take a photo of his car and reg plate (in front of him) then walk away.

Good idea

Can I book in a session with you OP?

I love this, and wish I had taken this approach with my emotionally abusive ex husband years ago.

Hahah i call it wrong footing or deflection, just respond with kindness. The other day I asked in a shop about could they put a sign in the lift as the buttons don't work and I'd stood there for ages. They said it was like that for months so I asked for customer services to email to ask. Assistant was like oh and while you're at can you tell them about <insert list of sarcastic complaints>. I said sure! Tell me and I'll include it in the email.

Tried similar with my narcissistic mil
her face!!
well done op

Please share more, it's inspirational 😁. I think the bullies who do it, like your manager, want a rise out of you, if you don't rise to it, hopefully she'll stop.

The difference is that you are in control and assertive. It's a massive gamechanger!

Well done OP. I will take tips from you as they are worth having. Life is too short to get riled up about everything and yes it is the art of not giving a f.*ck (I watched the documentary recently).

Detach and avoid . If it's nothing to do with you don't worry about it . If it doesn't affect you don't worry about it . Mind over matter . I don't mind because they don't matter . It's not a problem until it is . All the above have served me well .