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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say nothing or speak up?

49 replies

abem · 22/05/2023 16:18

More of a what would you do.

My DS12 was at his best friends house with a small group of other friends. A toy my son was seen playing with was found broken and a part missing that would fix it. The mum sat them all down and interrogated them all and decided it must of been my son. They all turned on him. She texted me later basically accusing my son of breaking the toy and stealing the missing part. I made it clear my son would not of done what was being said but it fell on deaf ears. The boys stopped talking and it all got nasty. Eventually things calmed and I decided to be the better person etc and just try and move on. This all happened about a year ago. My son today said his best friend admitted this morning that they found the missing part a few months ago. No apology just I found it. A mutual friend had noticed the toy was intact and mentioned it but we said nothing. I'm fuming his mum hasn't been in touch. My son has made me promise not to get in touch with her. We didn't text for a while after this incident and one of my last ones on the matter was to hope they find the missing item soon. I have text her before over other things, I've even given lifts etc but its always been in my mind.
Should I say something or leave it?

OP posts:
Nordicrain · 22/05/2023 16:19

I'd find it difficult not to say something in this situation.

Original poster
abem · 22/05/2023 16:39

I am resisting texting her, just to say I'm glad to hear the missing part has been found. So that she knows I know.

OP posts:
Nordicrain · 22/05/2023 16:39

abem · 22/05/2023 16:39

I am resisting texting her, just to say I'm glad to hear the missing part has been found. So that she knows I know.

haha, I think I would do that!

Greensleeves · 22/05/2023 16:41

I would be itching to say something, but if my 12yo had begged me not to I would grudgingly keep schtumm.

Inkanta · 22/05/2023 16:42

Yes I would text something similar OP.

WishICouldSmile · 22/05/2023 16:43

For the sake of your 12 year old, I'd have to keep it zipped- however, I would find that hard to do!

Iloveacurry · 22/05/2023 16:45

Definitely say something!

towriteyoumustlive · 22/05/2023 16:46

This is a difficult one.

If you do contact her, it's going to highlight the fact that you were right, she was wrong, and she has failed to actually put her wrong right.

If you don't contact her, you are going to resent her for not owning her mistake.

I think I'd buy a second hand version of the toy and drop it round saying you saw it at a car boot sale so thought you'd buy it for her son as the general consensus was that your son took the missing part, even though he still denies it, but you hope this makes up for the missing part.

I hope she would then squirm with guilt!

To be honest I wouldn't want any sort of friendship with anyone who accused my child of lying when they were adamant they hadn't done it.

Inkanta · 22/05/2023 16:46

I think it's an adult decision and it's especially right to say something when the son got all the blame. Son seems a bit scared - help him resolve his anxieties.

billy1966 · 22/05/2023 16:47

abem · 22/05/2023 16:39

I am resisting texting her, just to say I'm glad to hear the missing part has been found. So that she knows I know.

I would absolutely do this.

Horrible woman.

She owes your son an apology.

Original poster
abem · 22/05/2023 16:49

The boys get on so well, this fall out affected them both hugely, apparently his mum said he couldn't speak to mine for a month or would be grounded. I don't want to stir things up again but it's definitely the elephant in the room.

OP posts:
Fiddlerdragon · 22/05/2023 16:50

I’d definitely have to say something, your poor son must have been mortified! I’d want her to think twice before doing something like that to another child. And I would certainly expect an apology too. If it were the other way round and it was found that a child HAD stolen or broken something a year later, no doubt every comment would be ‘of course you should make him confess and apologise to the mum op’.

xyz111 · 22/05/2023 16:53

If your son has made you promise not to say anything and then you do, you're breaking his trust.

adfs · 22/05/2023 16:57

abem · 22/05/2023 16:39

I am resisting texting her, just to say I'm glad to hear the missing part has been found. So that she knows I know.

You promised your son so don’t break that promise.

However, that doesn’t prevent you from biding your time until a relevant occasion pops up where you can drop heavy hints about missing things turning up. Then enjoy watching her squirm.

Inkanta · 22/05/2023 16:58

abem · 22/05/2023 16:49

The boys get on so well, this fall out affected them both hugely, apparently his mum said he couldn't speak to mine for a month or would be grounded. I don't want to stir things up again but it's definitely the elephant in the room.

Oh dear you have to walk on eggshells round this mother do you. The mother makes it all about her does she - therefore your son needs have to remain invisible and unprotected - for an easy life. I hope he doesnt grow up feeling unseen and invisable.

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/05/2023 17:03

I would definitely message the mother about that, but I would tell my son I was going to do it as well. She has behaved really badly and you are both owed an apology.

Neverinamonthofsundays · 22/05/2023 17:05

She owes your child an apology. I would have to say something.

Rinkydinkydoodle · 22/05/2023 17:55

You knew he hadn’t done it, and even if he had the way she handled it was utter shit, you don’t accuse kids like that. What happened next is perfect proof of why. She seems the type that if you mention it, it’s just going to make things harder for the boys, which is presumably why your son has asked you not to.

She sounds like a headcase, and was so far out of order the first time, I wouldn’t have had my kid anywhere near her or in her house again. It’s not her son’s fault his mum’s a clown, fortunately they’re not very far from the age where they can go about without having to be in his house, so at least that’s avoidable. I’d be wary of any interaction cause she sounds like the sort who speaks first and thinks later. Arguing with those people is like wrestling with a pig, you both get dirty and only one of you enjoys it.

JMSA · 22/05/2023 17:57

Honestly, I would let it drop Hmm

RudsyFarmer · 22/05/2023 18:04

I fully expect they’ll be an opportunity in the future for you to say it. So keep your powder dry and just wait.

ErmentrudeTheCow · 22/05/2023 18:08

I wouldn't message over that.
But next time the boys are together and she is there too I would make a point of saying to the boy and mum how glad you are the missing part has been found!

But I would not allow my DC round to their house again if they hats how she treats children

euff · 22/05/2023 18:22

I know you are supposed to be the better person and let it go but I'm not sure I could. I'd be fuming not just because of how she treated my child and me but more so that I know they know the truth and haven't had the bloody decency to own up and apologise to both of you. If the shoe were on the other foot..?

TheBucketWoman · 22/05/2023 18:32

I’d be unable to keep my mouth shut

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 22/05/2023 18:32

Ahhh i would so want to send that text OP. However your son doesn't really want you to and it is his relationships that may be affected.

Maye think about it from the point of view of what would you hope to gain? As you are dealing with a grown woman who would actually interrogate dcs friends, accuse one without proof and ban her dc from speaking to his friends under the threat of being grounded, would you really expect an apology or even an acknowledgement of her mistake.

I highly doubt you'll get a satisfying response and may end up feeling even more frustrated with her when she inevitably still tries to deflect any blame from her poor behaviour.

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 22/05/2023 18:52

Sounds like she's bonkers and both boys know it but just want to get on with their friendship.

Respect your son's wishes & resist the urge to mention it. Those type of people DGAF anyway- if they did, she's would gave apologised when she found it. She'll double down and accuse your son of leaving it back!

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