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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say nothing or speak up?

49 replies

abem · 22/05/2023 16:18

More of a what would you do.

My DS12 was at his best friends house with a small group of other friends. A toy my son was seen playing with was found broken and a part missing that would fix it. The mum sat them all down and interrogated them all and decided it must of been my son. They all turned on him. She texted me later basically accusing my son of breaking the toy and stealing the missing part. I made it clear my son would not of done what was being said but it fell on deaf ears. The boys stopped talking and it all got nasty. Eventually things calmed and I decided to be the better person etc and just try and move on. This all happened about a year ago. My son today said his best friend admitted this morning that they found the missing part a few months ago. No apology just I found it. A mutual friend had noticed the toy was intact and mentioned it but we said nothing. I'm fuming his mum hasn't been in touch. My son has made me promise not to get in touch with her. We didn't text for a while after this incident and one of my last ones on the matter was to hope they find the missing item soon. I have text her before over other things, I've even given lifts etc but its always been in my mind.
Should I say something or leave it?

OP posts:

ReachForTheMars · 22/05/2023 18:57

Leave it for now and wait for your moment. Or orchestrate it. If you buy birthday or christmas gifts you could innoculously raise it with "was thinking of buying X for your son to replace it bit just wanted to check first as I saw him with one the other day - have you replaced it or dod you find the missing piece?"

anon12093 · 22/05/2023 20:06

I wouldn't offer to buy another one, Just a message to say "x told y you found the missing toy/part, glad it's been found"

And leave it at that. You know she's got it, she knows you know she's got it and leave it at that.

billy1966 · 22/05/2023 20:28

Inkanta · 22/05/2023 16:58

Oh dear you have to walk on eggshells round this mother do you. The mother makes it all about her does she - therefore your son needs have to remain invisible and unprotected - for an easy life. I hope he doesnt grow up feeling unseen and invisable.

Show quote history

This.

OP, you are not modelling self esteem for your son.

That women is absolutely awful, treated your son appallingly, totally power tripping with your son and you are tip toeing around her.

Awful for your son all round.

No one has his back.

OliveWah · 22/05/2023 20:31

I understand the temptation to get in touch and rub this woman's face in it, but the simple fact is you've made a promise to your son that you won't. I wouldn't break this promise to my child.

BlossomOfOrange · 22/05/2023 20:35

Show him your draft message, it might change his mind…

BounceyB · 22/05/2023 20:47

Does your son still see him? If their friendship is good I might be tempted to leave it. If the incident has ruined their friendship I would say something.

Sometimes you have to stand up for your children to show them how it's done. I remember my mum's mantra was walk away, it's not worth it. Continually walking away from conflict left me with real issues which I had to address when my children were born.

Stabee · 22/05/2023 20:52

I'd leave it. It just isn't worth it. Your ds will make better friends as time goes on. You'll have no contact with this woman in time (hopefully).

pottytrainingggg · 22/05/2023 20:58

No I agree with those saying you should say something, because you are modelling boundaries to your son. In life we should call out bullies. It can be done with grace but firmness, and in doing so you will be teaching your son how to stand up for himself with integrity.

I think I would say to her you are very glad it's been found and you do hope she will be gracious enough to apologise to your son who had suffered a lot as a consequence of this misunderstanding.

If she doesn't apologise or if she cold shoulders you it matters not. (She is not a friend worth keeping). What matters is your son knows what's right in all of this.

Thepossibility · 22/05/2023 21:00

There's no way I wouldn't text that I'd heard the part was found.
Your son is scared because of what she put him through all for nothing.
An apology is the least he deserves.

Original poster

abem · 22/05/2023 21:43

My son has always been honest with me (as far as I know) and he did say if I text the mum he won't tell me anything again, which I understand. I can't destroy the trust. It's so difficult though not texting. I think I will keep it up my sleeve though and bring it out just at the right moment, I will definitely want witnesses as she publicly accused my son. I don't see her very often but I'm sure the right moment will come.

OP posts:

Stabee · 22/05/2023 21:52

She sounds horrible. But whilst she had besmirched your ds's character, remember it's a broken toy. Nobody else is remembering it. Your ds has many years ahead to show his true character.

SD1978 · 22/05/2023 22:41

If my kid had specifically asked me not to, then I wouldn't..... but fark, I'd be trying to work out how to work it into conversation, and would be itching to message.

suchasocialhierachy · 22/05/2023 23:41

I'd respond:

"Hey. My son was really pleased to hear that you finally found the piece from your son's toy. It's something that has been playing on his mind since it was lost".

suchasocialhierachy · 22/05/2023 23:43

... i should have said, if your son asked you not to text then don't. Say it to her face instead!

Saddogmum · 23/05/2023 00:45

abem · 22/05/2023 21:43

I would say to son that your other friend told you too and that you’d like to clear his name and Teach the lady it’s not ok to lie about people. So you will one day i conversation say that friend mentioned she had seen it and glad that it’s fixed now. That way it’s not involving son and friend
or you could ask if she ever found the piece and see what she says

consult your son as he will need to feel included - my dd says the same to me me op

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 23/05/2023 02:14

One day, there will be some sort of invitation or situation where you can decline something with a "given the uncomfortable situation last time, even though the toy was fixed when the missing part was later found I think we'll give it a miss".

euff · 23/05/2023 06:33

Agree with the above posts. Talk to your son explain all you know and how. Say that you can bring it up in different ways and that her treatment of him was out of order and when the truth came out she should have apologised. Like @OrderOfTheKookaburra said I would be tempted to decline invitations saying you are uncomfortable given how she treated him and all the boys turned on him.

FraserNow · 23/05/2023 06:40

The mum sounds deeply unpleasant. There are ways of understanding who/how something might be broken without creating a lynch mob and public accusations. She then tells her son not to speak to yours for a month?!

Seriously would be encouraging my child to have a broader friendship group and yes in this scenario I would be sending a passive aggressive text.

FraserNow · 23/05/2023 06:41

And I’m not actually suggesting you do this but how would she feel if you know told your son not to talk to hers for a month because she isn’t nice and lied?

Not good is it.

maddening · 23/05/2023 06:48

abem · 22/05/2023 21:43

Talk to him about why he wants to stay quiet, obviously still respect his wishes but let him know that if he did allow you to address it then you would.do it in an adult way that would not cause him or you any shame.

Did her son.ask your son to keep quiet? In which case.you are.helping your son respect his.promise to his.friend perhaps 🤔

YukoandHiro · 23/05/2023 06:48

Leave it. She knows what she's done. Continue to keep your distance as far as possible - at 12 your DC will increasingly be managing their own social lives so need to interact that much

saraclara · 23/05/2023 07:15

Don't text. You'll just be throwing petrol on the fire. Your son has begged you not to. His trust is way more important than settling a score.

To make a general point, texts are a bad idea in these situations. If you were to say anything, then it's far better to say it face to face, at a relevant point in a casual conversation. It's shit to have a random text arrive resurrecting an old dispute, and it winds people up. Your son has the sense to see that.

JandalsAlways · 23/05/2023 07:22

abem · 22/05/2023 16:39

I am resisting texting her, just to say I'm glad to hear the missing part has been found. So that she knows I know.

I like that

FinallyHere · 23/05/2023 08:14

I agree that it's important for you to model good healthy boundaries for your DS. And I know that my mother was overly afraid ever to confront people which leaves more like to go in all guns blazing.

I wouldn't send any message that DS was not comfortable with.

I would want to say that it kept coming into my mind and ask whether the part had ever been found.

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