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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Parents’ Will

41 replies

tigger2022 · 22/05/2023 11:48

I hope this is the right place to post.

Last week my mum told me her & my dad had made me executors of their wills, I guess because I’m the oldest. I’ve been so anxious ever since.

I’m a worried person in general, and my parents are relatively young (late 50s/early 60s) however they are not in the best health so I worry about them in general…

But this has added a whole layer of anxiety. I’m financially ok-ish at the moment given the cost of living crisis: I’m a single mum paying solo for a baby fulltime at nursery which is very expensive, I have my own mortgage, and obviously things like energy bills, council tax, etc so I’m making ends meet just about basically.

My parents have a lot of debt, they are always short of money and borrowing from people including me, they also have my brother and sister (both late 20s) living with them. My brother has a job but doesn’t pay rent to them or anything like that, he sometimes loans them money too. My sister is a NEET, she basically doesn’t do anything, she’s not even on benefits, she lives off them and is quite a bully - they are all a bit scared of her. And they have 2 really badly trained dogs that I normally don’t let anywhere near my baby.

So now I have all this anxiety that not only will something happen to my parents, but also that I’m suddenly overnight going to either have all of their debt payments to make each month, their mortgage, their gas, their electricity, their council tax, which I absolutely can’t afford OR I’m going to have to evict my siblings to sell their house (which would involve making my sister homeless or - this brings me onto my next anxiety - having to take her on as another dependent, and she has very expensive tastes which is why my parents are always broke, as well as these dogs I’m too scared of having around my son).

Also they are hoarders and there is SO much stuff in their house, would I be responsible for sorting all of that or getting rid of it?

Obviously the ideal scenario is they don’t die! But all this anxiety is keeping me awake. I was already worried about their health because obviously I want my parents around, but now this too. I also feel a bit upset they didn’t ask - AIBU? - because it feels a bit like they don’t want to solve these problems with my siblings and with their junk while they are alive and are offloading it all onto me.

Does anyone know if there is a way around it? Do you have to be an executor if someone put it in their will? I didn’t sign anything to say I would be and they only told me about it after the wills were already done. I would forego inheriting anything if that’s what it takes, I really don’t want this responsibility.

OP posts:

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 22/05/2023 11:53

Of course you can decline the role. Can you ask the solicitor who drew up the will for advice? Can you talk to your parents and discuss your concerns?

As far as debts, I don't believe you are responsible for taking those on. Either the estate will cover any debts, or they will be wiped (if the estate hasn't got enough in it). That's my experience anyway and local laws may vary.

Sissynova · 22/05/2023 11:59

You are not responsible for their debts or bills by being an executor for their will.

Onekidnoclue · 22/05/2023 12:02

You aren’t responsible for debts as an executor. But it is a lot of work so there’s a time cost. If you don’t want to do it don’t! You can say now and they can amend the will or keep quiet and just resign as executor once they’ve died.

Soontobe60 · 22/05/2023 12:11

I’d go for the ‘wait and see what happens when they die’ option. It could be many years before they die. If they have each left everything to the other, then you only need to do anything when the second parent dies in reality. At that point, you can revoke your position as executor and will not be held liable for anything as long as you’ve not actually done anything when they die.
https://www.butcher-barlow.co.uk/news/wills-trusts-and-estate/renunciation-of-an-executor/#:~:text=It%20is%20certainly%20possible%20for,signing%20a%20deed%20of%20renunciation.

Renunciation of An Executor - Butcher & Barlow LLP

What is an executor? An executor is a person or people appointed under the terms of a Will to administer a deceased’s estate. In broad terms, the executor will undertake tasks such as liquidating assets, transferring or selling property, discharging li...

https://www.butcher-barlow.co.uk/news/wills-trusts-and-estate/renunciation-of-an-executor/#:~:text=It%20is%20certainly%20possible%20for,signing%20a%20deed%20of%20renunciation.

VanCleefArpels · 22/05/2023 12:14

The executor(s) can appoint a solicitor to deal with the estate so your role would literally be to sign some paperwork

Nordicrain · 22/05/2023 12:16

You won't be responsible for their debts/ bills.

You can decline the role.

If there is money in the estate I would always recommend appointing solicitors to manage it.

over50andfab · 22/05/2023 12:16

There should be more than one executor- who is/are the others?

LakeTiticaca · 22/05/2023 12:45

They will probably be around for years yet so don't worry about it. Any debts will be repayable from the estate and you certainly won't be responsible. Definitely decline the role if you feel you won't be able to handle it

girlfriend44 · 22/05/2023 12:46

over50andfab · 22/05/2023 12:16

There should be more than one executor- who is/are the others?

not necessarily, our oldest sib was the executor.

Tinkerbyebye · 22/05/2023 12:49

You can decline the role

as executor you would be responsible for taking forward the wishes of the will, and yes clearing and selling any property.

You will not be responsible for any debt, if there is insufficient in the assets to cover then they will be written off

you are not responsible for your siblings, they find their own place to live and you do not have to have your sister living with you

Rosesbloomingnow · 22/05/2023 12:57

Tbh I think you should be the executor. You don't take on debts. You are the person the solicitor will deal with. Your siblings would probably take a bad situation (ie when your parents die) and make it worse. Whereas you will do what needs doing, when it needs doing - which is why they picked you. Yes they should have spoken to you about it first. Have a read of the links PP have posted. It's being the person that signs things off. All their debts get paid from their estate. If there's not enough money in the estate, the debts don't get paid.
If your sister is homeless she'll have to sort herself out, don't let her move in with you. She sounds awful.

Rosesbloomingnow · 22/05/2023 12:59

Also you can get house clearance to clear the house, estate agent and solicitor to sell the house, all this comes from the estate or proceeds of sale if no cash available prior to sale, and if you pay for any costs the estate reimburses you before any remaining funds are split in accordance with the will(s).

Thesharkradar · 22/05/2023 13:03

If you can play it right being the executor will be an advantage for you OP.
They sound very dysfunctional, I would keep a distance from them and when the time comes you can work everything to your advantage but don't get involved with all the craziness.

Partytastic · 22/05/2023 13:05

I think the biggest problem will be where will your sister live. You may have to evict her. How long do your parents have left on the mortgage?

Thesharkradar · 22/05/2023 13:05

I think your parents have done this because they want you to feel responsible for your two siblings, however...you have no duty of care towards these two adults whatsoever.
Do not enable them!

Messageina80ttl3 · 22/05/2023 13:21

Suggest your patents put health & financial power of attorney in place too if you are in UK. The process can be found on www.gov.uk

Welcome to GOV.UK

GOV.UK - The place to find government services and information - simpler, clearer, faster.

http://www.gov.uk

steppemum · 22/05/2023 14:24

OP, being executor does NOT mean that you are responsible for anyone. The house will probably need to be sold (if there are debts) The executor notifies the people living in it that the house is going up for sale and they have to find somewhere else to live.

As others have said you can appoint a solicitor to do all this.
House sold, debts paid out of the proceeds, or if not enough then written off.

The dogs are not up to you either. They obviously want you to take them, but at their death you call the RSPCA and say that the dogs are on their own. You cannot take them. They will decide if they can rehome or pts.

But honestly, none of this is likely to happen for years. They might live until they are 90!

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/05/2023 14:41

As everyone else has said, being an executor, doesn't mean that you have to pay their debts out of your own money!

I wonder whether your parents think that's true though?

I think you need to stop lending them any money at all. I don't think you'll get any money back off them. They have got themselves into this situation and it's not your job to get them out of it.

electriclight · 22/05/2023 14:52

I think it is better for you to be the executor in control of the decisions, rather than it being another sibling dictating to you. Would you be happy if it was your sister calling the shots instead? When the time comes, decades away, outsource to your solicitor and employ home clearance. It will be hard on your sister, depending on will, but your parents need to explain that the house will be sold on their death.

Bewilderedandhurt · 22/05/2023 15:04

You have nothing to worry about.
When the time comes to execute the will the following will happen.

The accounts and debits are frozen as they belong to the deceased.
The value of the estate is calculated (property, saving,posessions)and the value realised.

3.Debitors make their claim on the value of the estate, the property is sold to pay theseif required. 4.Any remaining money is split between benifactors (presumably you and your siblings) 5.Your brother and sister use the money wisley to get some accommodation. 6.You make sure you have no space or beds for them to move in. 7.They are both adult enough to stand on their own feet so don't worry about them!

MaggieFS · 22/05/2023 15:06

You won't be responsible for the debts
If you're parents have brought it up, use it as an opener to ask them and your siblings what they expect will happen to siblings once your parents die. Their house may well have to be sold to clear the mortgage and pay off debts. Better to plan now than end up in a mess (they need to stop enabling your sister!)
As part of that chat be clear you can't and won't be having anyone to live with you nor fund either of them
If your parents are hoarders and have too much stuff, you can always use a house clearance firm once you have removed any items anyone wants to keep
You can decline to be an executor and a solicitor can be paid from the estate (not sure what happens if there isn't enough money in the estate)
Remember none of this is your responsibility

SW2002 · 23/05/2023 00:17

You can decline to do it.

You are not responsible for any debts or your siblings living situations.

As an executor though , you do have almost full legal control of the estate (subject to the rules around probate).

Any bills or debts are paid from the estate before it is divided up, not from you. If there are more debts than assets then you simply wind the estate up and let it all go bankrupt. Debts are not transferred to you or your siblings.

It needs doing if you and your siblings want your share of the estate. Presumably a third share of a house will allow them both to move out and put down deposits or rent somewhere of their own. If your sis decides to continue to loaf around and squander her share that's her look out. You do not at any time have to have her live with you. Worst case boot her out, give her a bit of money to tide her over until the estate is divided up (maybe you and brother pitch in), and then deduct that from her share of the estate before she gets her money to make sure you get reimbursed.

The hardest thing will be the dogs, doesn't sound like anyone wants them and if they're badly trained might be hard to re home. Could you send them to an animal rescue place along with a decent sized donation?

Nevermind31 · 23/05/2023 00:41

I think you’ve misunderstood the role.
should anything happen to your parents you will simply make sure that their assets are distributed according to their will. You are not responsible for their debts, your siblings, or their living situation. You simply liquidate the assets to pay off debt, then distribute the rest according to the will. None of this should cost you any money.
once everything has been distributed you are done, and your siblings need to take care of themselves.

Thesharkradar · 23/05/2023 01:21

It's important to remember OP that you wont be taking on their debts & liabilities, they may be giving you that impression but thats pretty much par for the course with dysfunctional parents
If (when they shuffle off this mortal coil) their assets are outweighed by their liabilities then it's tough, the people to whom they owe money to are fresh outta luck!
YOU dont have to settle the debt, the dead cant pay and no-one else is liable

Fraaahnces · 23/05/2023 01:31

Do you mean that you have financial power of attorney? If that is the case then you can insist upon legally binding rent agreements from the siblings or even evict them, citing financial abuse.

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