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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Parents’ Will

41 replies

tigger2022 · 22/05/2023 11:48

I hope this is the right place to post.

Last week my mum told me her & my dad had made me executors of their wills, I guess because I’m the oldest. I’ve been so anxious ever since.

I’m a worried person in general, and my parents are relatively young (late 50s/early 60s) however they are not in the best health so I worry about them in general…

But this has added a whole layer of anxiety. I’m financially ok-ish at the moment given the cost of living crisis: I’m a single mum paying solo for a baby fulltime at nursery which is very expensive, I have my own mortgage, and obviously things like energy bills, council tax, etc so I’m making ends meet just about basically.

My parents have a lot of debt, they are always short of money and borrowing from people including me, they also have my brother and sister (both late 20s) living with them. My brother has a job but doesn’t pay rent to them or anything like that, he sometimes loans them money too. My sister is a NEET, she basically doesn’t do anything, she’s not even on benefits, she lives off them and is quite a bully - they are all a bit scared of her. And they have 2 really badly trained dogs that I normally don’t let anywhere near my baby.

So now I have all this anxiety that not only will something happen to my parents, but also that I’m suddenly overnight going to either have all of their debt payments to make each month, their mortgage, their gas, their electricity, their council tax, which I absolutely can’t afford OR I’m going to have to evict my siblings to sell their house (which would involve making my sister homeless or - this brings me onto my next anxiety - having to take her on as another dependent, and she has very expensive tastes which is why my parents are always broke, as well as these dogs I’m too scared of having around my son).

Also they are hoarders and there is SO much stuff in their house, would I be responsible for sorting all of that or getting rid of it?

Obviously the ideal scenario is they don’t die! But all this anxiety is keeping me awake. I was already worried about their health because obviously I want my parents around, but now this too. I also feel a bit upset they didn’t ask - AIBU? - because it feels a bit like they don’t want to solve these problems with my siblings and with their junk while they are alive and are offloading it all onto me.

Does anyone know if there is a way around it? Do you have to be an executor if someone put it in their will? I didn’t sign anything to say I would be and they only told me about it after the wills were already done. I would forego inheriting anything if that’s what it takes, I really don’t want this responsibility.

OP posts:

Original poster

tigger2022 · 23/05/2023 13:32

Thanks for confirming I can refuse the role of executor.

Would I have to tell my sister to move out myself? Honestly she’s a bully but I’d feel so guilty.

OP posts:

Fraaahnces · 23/05/2023 13:40

You could get bailiffs to get her out.

Riverlee · 23/05/2023 13:44

Nevermind31 · 23/05/2023 00:41

I think you’ve misunderstood the role.
should anything happen to your parents you will simply make sure that their assets are distributed according to their will. You are not responsible for their debts, your siblings, or their living situation. You simply liquidate the assets to pay off debt, then distribute the rest according to the will. None of this should cost you any money.
once everything has been distributed you are done, and your siblings need to take care of themselves.

This. Your role is just to carry out the wishes of the will.

MaggieFS · 23/05/2023 13:47

tigger2022 · 23/05/2023 13:32

Thanks for confirming I can refuse the role of executor.

Would I have to tell my sister to move out myself? Honestly she’s a bully but I’d feel so guilty.

Don't leave it until then. Have the conversations now and include your parents so she'll know what's coming.

dontknowwhybutitsbad · 23/05/2023 13:50

You’re not responsible for their debts but AFAIK you can be held liable if there’s been any unpaid taxes and it comes to light after the estate has been divided up.

Rosesbloomingnow · 23/05/2023 14:12

really good suggestion of PP to get an LPA in place now - there are 2, one for health and one for finances, if you set these up now while your parents are legally mentally well enough to sign them, then you can protect them in the future from your siblings. It takes a long time for LPAs to be processed, but perhaps talk to your parents about getting them set in place.

2bazookas · 23/05/2023 14:27

Ask which solicitor handled their Wills. Then write to the solicitor and tell them, your permission was not asked to be named as their Executor; and you won't agree to be it. He should instruct his clients accordingly.

User1529865 · 23/05/2023 14:33

I appointed a solicitor for both my parents, they were separated, you don't have to do too much then just sign things, I would do this in your situation.

Silvers11 · 23/05/2023 14:34

SW2002 · 23/05/2023 00:17

You can decline to do it.

You are not responsible for any debts or your siblings living situations.

As an executor though , you do have almost full legal control of the estate (subject to the rules around probate).

Any bills or debts are paid from the estate before it is divided up, not from you. If there are more debts than assets then you simply wind the estate up and let it all go bankrupt. Debts are not transferred to you or your siblings.

It needs doing if you and your siblings want your share of the estate. Presumably a third share of a house will allow them both to move out and put down deposits or rent somewhere of their own. If your sis decides to continue to loaf around and squander her share that's her look out. You do not at any time have to have her live with you. Worst case boot her out, give her a bit of money to tide her over until the estate is divided up (maybe you and brother pitch in), and then deduct that from her share of the estate before she gets her money to make sure you get reimbursed.

The hardest thing will be the dogs, doesn't sound like anyone wants them and if they're badly trained might be hard to re home. Could you send them to an animal rescue place along with a decent sized donation?

Exactly this @tigger2022 Please do not worry overmuch. I would also add

1 Your parents may live for years yet. When one of them passes, assuming they have left everything to the other partner, there will be very little for you as Executor to actually do at that point. The bulk of the work will be when the other parent also passes

2 I would NOT decline being an Executor until it actually happens. You may feel very differently when the time actually comes. And as others have said, you could at that stage appoint a solicitor to deal with the work, without actually giving up your rights as an Executor. The cost of that would come out of the Estate and not from you personally.

3 If you actually resign from being an Executor, it may well be that either your sister or your brother are the next in line according to the Wills. As they don't sound trustworthy, you may find that you lose your share of any potential inheritance. It happens far more often than you might think. The executor has full legal authority over the Estate and I would be careful about giving that up to your Sister or Brother

4 You can use a House Clearance company to empty the house. We used the British Heart Foundation to clear my Mother's house last year ( once everything that anyone wanted/were bequeathed had been removed from the house). Was so easy to do and saved a pile of grief/time etc

5 You are not responsible for either your Sister or your brother. If necessary you can get a solicitor to tell them what's what. That will happen anyway if you pay a solicitor to act as Executor with you and to do all the nasty stuff.

The only thing that is difficult is the amount of time needed - and if you outsource this to A Solicitor, most of it will be done by them. The house will take time to sell, so it won't be a major problem either. My Mother was in rented accommodation and we had to do it all in 6 weeks, which was hard, but with having a house to sell you will have much longer to sort things out

User1529865 · 23/05/2023 15:06

For a lot of the things you mention they would surely both have to die which is very unlikely in the near future, the surviving parent would still be in the house paying bills and stuff like that. I think you have a good few years before you have to worry about this

allofthelove · 23/05/2023 15:46

I agree with others you are not liable for their debts even as executor . Any debts will paid off with any assets they have ( a house etc) . Also you can employ an lawyer to act on your behalf and sort everything out for you

Don't worry about it .

tara66 · 23/05/2023 16:11

Sissynova · 22/05/2023 11:59

You are not responsible for their debts or bills by being an executor for their will.

THIS.
The estate of the deceased person/s is responsible for all the debts.
If this means the house has to be sold - so be it. The debts must be paid but not by you. You do not have to be the executor. Get your mother to appoint a solicitor as you do not wish to have that responsibility. They charge a fee - about 3%+ of estate value.

Toomanybooks22 · 23/05/2023 16:46

You don't have to accept or decline the role, you can appoint solicitors to act on your behalf

Skyblue92 · 23/05/2023 16:56

tigger2022 · 23/05/2023 13:32

Thanks for confirming I can refuse the role of executor.

Would I have to tell my sister to move out myself? Honestly she’s a bully but I’d feel so guilty.

You aren’t responsible for the debts.
in terms of your sister moving out, it depends on what the will states. For example does it state she can live in the house for x amount of years if both parents pass away? Or does it state that if both pass away then the house is to be sold and split equally? If the first one then you can go against the will but that can come back on you. In the second case then once sold she will need to move out but you can offer the house to her first.

I wouldn’t refuse to be executor as from what you’ve said you don’t trust your siblings

StrawBeretMoose · 23/05/2023 16:56

On a bit of a tangent OP, you're a single mum with a young child, and working hard to provide for them. You're setting a really good example to your child. Keep that in mind in the future, don't lend money to your parents that could otherwise be spent on your child, whether that's for school shoes or a day out with ice cream sundaes. You both deserve a good life that you are working hard to provide. You sound like a kind person who is being put upon by all the other adults in the family. It's okay to say your priorities have changed.

Gazelda · 23/05/2023 17:12

OP, I hope you're reassured by the posts on this thread.

Additionally, thank goodness they've made a will. It would be very difficult if they hadn't.

Try to put it to the back of your mind now. It could be decades before anything happens, and you now know that you're not going to have to handle the responsibility. You can appoint people who are experienced to deal with matters.

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