I am finding it difficult to judge how much care and help I should be giving to my parents.
I am mid 40s, no children, one dog, live alone (although have DP of 14 years) and am self employed as a professional singer, manage and coordinate other musicians and my shows. I travel for work Fridays and Saturdays, often a 16 hour day. Sunday is for recovering. Monday through Thursday I take care of the things it takes to run a house, plus spend time planning the following weekend’s work. I also dedicate time to working on my skill set, which is an essential part of my business. If I don’t work on my skill set, then things fall apart fairly quickly affecting my ability to earn money (and therefore support myself and others financially).
DM has always been emotionally demanding; the sort of relationship where you have to constantly walk on eggshells. She is liable to lash out and then ignore me for weeks. DF is long-term disabled, of poor health and currently in temporary care after catching Covid back in March. He is a sweet man, and we have always had a good relationship.
DB, SiL and their 3DC moved 4 hours drive away before the pandemic, but distance and family duties mean that most care and help falls to me. I currently live about 40 minutes drive from my parents.
A year ago, I single-handedly moved both parents in to assisted living. The unenviable task of clearing my parents house (DM is a hoarder) fell to me. With hindsight, I’d have paid a clearance company instead. Since then, I have arranged planning permission on their old house (no mean feat!) in order to get them a better price. The house is currently on the market and soon to go to auction.
The time, energy and responsibility of this has almost broken me. The emotional toll of clearing a filthy, neglected house showed me how much my mum had given up. She hasn’t cleaned her bedroom in decades. The filth and dust was utterly disturbing. The image she presents to the world is of a posh, nicely dressed lady, when the truth is she can barely manage self-care.
During this period, I also seriously neglected my own needs. I spent next to no time working on my craft and as a result have had a year or so of not being able to perform to the high standard expected of me in my profession. It’s been heartbreaking to barely cope in a job I worked so hard to be successful at. I am falling apart at the seams…self medicating with wine every night, only just hanging on to sanity by my fingernails.
The previously lovely work-life balance I had before the pandemic has completely disappeared, now filled with taking mum to hospital appointments etc. We fell out a few times over my reluctance to do all her food shopping, with her eventually moving to online shopping. She refuses any outside care at all. When dad eventually comes home, they will have carers, so this will alleviate the pressure on me slightly.
Over the past two months I have scaled back what I’m prepared to do for her, often only making myself available one day a week. She thinks I should be doing more, but I know the more I do, the less she will do for herself.
As a child, I was sexually abused by a man who lived with us as a lodger. Why my mother didn’t throw him out of the house, I will never know. My father was too ill to know about or deal with the situation. I purposely haven’t had children because I absolutely don’t want to put innocent humans through what me and my brother experienced. I also have no desire to be carer for either of my parents. I apologise if that sounds harsh, but it’s the truth.
Years of emotional manipulation mean that I can no longer figure out what a healthy boundary is. Can anyone tell me if there’s a way of working out what is fair, and what isn’t?