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Original poster

How to deal with Dp’s female friends

38 replies

Fullrecoveryispossible · 22/05/2023 09:23

I need straight forward advice on how to cope with jealousy of DP having female friends! I’d say about 70% of his friends are female, and I can’t help but feel a bit rubbish when he says he’s meeting up with one of them.

Is it reasonable of me to ask for him to put boundaries in with these women? If so, what would be reasonable?

i know this is my issue not his, and I don’t want to bring it up in fear of sounding controlling. I like him having friends, I just hate the feeling I get!

OP posts:
Londontoderby · 22/05/2023 09:24

Question is why does he have so many female friends? How many of them has he slept with? Bet they’re mostly ex’s.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 22/05/2023 09:26

My DP has a lot of female friends, none are ex’s… most of them are uni friends that he’s stayed in touch with. I’ve no issue with this. Equally I have a lot of male friends, none of them are ex’s, I have a sport as a main hobby which there are a lot of men that do. Again DP has no issue with this.

It is perfectly possible for two people of the opposite sex to be friends without shagging being any part of it.

Vikingthings · 22/05/2023 09:27

How long have you been together, and why do you find him having female friends difficult? Does he do anything with them that he wouldn't do with male friends?

Crobbyhaft · 22/05/2023 09:29

Londontoderby · 22/05/2023 09:24

Question is why does he have so many female friends? How many of them has he slept with? Bet they’re mostly ex’s.

Why? I have mostly male friends, they're not 'mostly ex's', I haven't slept with any of them (or any of my female friends for that matter).

FuckTheLemonsandBail · 22/05/2023 10:22

What sort of boundaries are you meaning? That suggests you already feel as if certain unspoken boundaries are being broken...

Everyone is different on this, some people wouldn't dream of having a best friend of the opposite sex or spending time alone socially with someone who isn't their partner. Others have wide circles and no jealousy about it.

But you've already entered into a relationship with this guy knowing his social circle. I wouldn't take it well if I got with my DH and he started trying to put 'boundaries' on how I spent time with my male friends who were around way before him (none of which I've slept with).

Are your spidey senses tingling or something? For us when we got together our friends were very obvious and we kinda pulled each other into those groups a little, not deliberately but just basic things like we'd been together a couple months when we met up together with one of my friends and vice versa. So there's no secrecy or hiding.

I have lots of male friends and lots of female friends, spend time with them alone, as does DH.

Poopoolittlekitten · 22/05/2023 10:24

I have loads of male and female friends that I haven't sleep with - and a few female friends that I have, many years ago but I can't imagine DW asking for 'boundaries'.

What sort of boundaries? I go to the cinema, gigs, drinks, play sport with friends - that's normal. It's not like I'm sharing a bed with them!

Are you going to set a curfew or something??

Fupoffyagrasshole · 22/05/2023 10:24

this is pretty much me but i have all male friends mostly! I don't know why it turned out that way but it just did - i have some female friends - but majority are male!

I did a Uni course that is more male dominant so there was only a few girls on the course and I ended up with a big group of guy friends who i am still very close with today!

I've went travelling with some of them, flat shared with some of them.

My husband doesn't have a problem with it - I wouldn't be with someone who did as I wouldn't give up friends for a partner and I wouldn't want to be told what to do or who I can and can't see

I think if this is a problem for you then it's not going to work out - you can't change him or make him get new friends

Fairyliz · 22/05/2023 10:25

Can you try and identify what concerns you? Is he spending lots of time with them that you would prefer he spends with you?

What happens if you suggest going along to these meet ups? After all if they are good friends don’t you want to be friends with them too? Surely most people would like more friends so they would like to meet you.

Poopoolittlekitten · 22/05/2023 10:27

If you hate the feeling you get, then you need to find a way to deal with that - why are you so insecure?
I have a male friend who's DW is very insecure about or friendship, so I don't get to see him as much as I would like. Tends to be in groups rather than 1 on 1 and she's still a bit odd about it.
And I'm gay. 100%, never had a boyfriend, gay, married to a woman, have kids with that woman, gay. God knows what she'd be like if I wasn't.

janeseymour78 · 22/05/2023 10:28

Agree with @FuckTheLemonsandBail - has it come up because of boundaries you already feel are being crossed?

My close male friend of 20 years had a partner for nearly a decade who seemed fine with me, but then towards the end tried to stop him from seeing me. He's broken up with her now but I think it was all part of wider relationship problems.

I also had an ex who went off with a female 'friend', in that case she was a new friend and I'm more suspicious of time spent with those versus well established friendships. It's healthy to have friends of the opposite sex overall - it needs to be judged on a case by case basis.

Bobshhh · 22/05/2023 10:29

Londontoderby · 22/05/2023 09:24

Question is why does he have so many female friends? How many of them has he slept with? Bet they’re mostly ex’s.

Christ alive.

I have many male friends that I meet up with, most of whom I’ve known for 20 years and weirdly have managed to never sleep with any of them!

SaladRooney · 22/05/2023 10:33

As you say, this is your issue. Like several pps, I have close male friends, two of whom are distant exes, whom I last slept with in the 90s, and, like my female friends, they are a non-negotiable part of my life. Frankly, my marriage is better because I have strong friendships.

I don't get the idea that seems to come up semi-regularly on Mn, that it's expected to 'retire' opposite-sex friendships when you're in a relationship 'out of respect'. This idea relies on some kind of weird essentialism (that there's 'only space for one woman in a man's life, and that should be his wife/girlfriend'?) and honestly implies shitty, shallow ideas about friendship.

It would be an immediate dump if a boyfriend expected me to retire my friendships with men, or thought that (again, as I've seen more than once on here) that going to the cinema or having a drink or a meal with one of my male friends was somehow 'trespassing' on 'date territory'.

OP, assuming these friendships pre-date you getting together with your partner, what makes you think he should downgrade them for the sake of a newer relationship?

GoodChat · 22/05/2023 10:34

His friends existed before you, and if you carry on like this they'll exist long after you.

You trust him or you don't.

SirVixofVixHall · 22/05/2023 10:37

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 22/05/2023 09:26

My DP has a lot of female friends, none are ex’s… most of them are uni friends that he’s stayed in touch with. I’ve no issue with this. Equally I have a lot of male friends, none of them are ex’s, I have a sport as a main hobby which there are a lot of men that do. Again DP has no issue with this.

It is perfectly possible for two people of the opposite sex to be friends without shagging being any part of it.

Same here. DH has lots of female friends from school and university, none of them are ex girlfriends. I have male friends I’ve had for thirty years, again none of them have ever been anything other than friends. We both have opposite sex siblings and find opposite sex friendships easy and familiar. We each have same sex friends too, but DH has more female friends than male I would say, I’ve never counted !
OP why do you feel jealous ? Maybe unpicking that is the thing. I am not jealous of DH’s friends, nor he mine, as neither of us has ever given the other any reason to feel jealous. If I felt that DH had a crush, then I would feel jealous.

SkandiSkando · 22/05/2023 11:09

YABU to be trying to put retrospective boundaries in place.

When you get together with someone, you tacitly accept them, their platonic connections and their lifestyle. It’s not right to then decide you’re not happy with it after all. This is controlling behaviour from you OP.

I do think it’s fair to expect to discuss appropriate boundaries with a new friend, or a sudden change in behaviour with an old friend.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 22/05/2023 11:18

If you're uncomfortable with him having so many female friends, imo you shouldn't have continued the relationship.

You can't tell someone to put boundaries in place with friends who existed long before you did.

weirdthigh · 22/05/2023 11:24

Either you trust him or you don't. No trust, no relationship

QueSyrahSyrah · 22/05/2023 11:27

Londontoderby · 22/05/2023 09:24

Question is why does he have so many female friends? How many of them has he slept with? Bet they’re mostly ex’s.

Christ what a weird take on life. Have YOU shagged all your friends?

OP; no you cannot put retrospective boundaries in place assuming these friends were in his life before you were, unless they are things mutually agreed. As example my (male) friend would occasionally come and visit and stay on my couch when we were both single. He wouldn't stay here now that I live with DH but that's due to reduced space and him & DH not knowing each other as well rather than any other reason. I wouldn't have a female friend to stay on the couch now either.

Firefly27 · 22/05/2023 16:36

I am more curious to know how would he respond if you had lot of male friends and you were meeting with them?

I think you should have an open conversation and tell him how you feel. Maybe you just need some reassurance from him .

FoodCentre · 22/05/2023 16:42

Londontoderby · 22/05/2023 09:24

Question is why does he have so many female friends? How many of them has he slept with? Bet they’re mostly ex’s.

People are getting touchy about this comment but when I met my OH, he had a lot of female friends who were ONSs and the like.... all of his close friends were. It was weird AF

And also have poor boundaries because of it...

Obviously- it's not the case for every person. As a mother with children, I have male friends but I'm not interested in befriending anyone I've been with previously. Most people will have a mix but there are definitely people who keep exes.

Fiddlerdragon · 22/05/2023 16:44

What boundaries are they crossing?

AlligatorPsychopath · 22/05/2023 16:50

I have a lot of male friends. Ironically, the only one of them I've fucked is the one who's now out as gay and hasn't been with a woman in 20 years.

DH has a lot of female friends. Because, and I know people are going to find this radical, he thinks of women as complex human beings, many of whom share his interests and hobbies and whom he likes. It's one of his better qualities; I wouldn't want to be with a man who was only capable of relating to women by shagging them.

Unless he's kissing or snuggling these friends, or going on holidays and sharing beds with them, what boundaries are there to set?

SleepingStandingUp · 22/05/2023 17:09

Does he really need you to spell out that he's not allowed to cheat on you? Otherwise what sort of boundaries would you have? Would you have the same boundary for the other 30% of his friends?

Stompythedinosaur · 22/05/2023 17:12

Unless you think he's sleeping with them, I'm not clear on the issue?

If this is about unfounded jealousy, then the issue is to address that feeling (notice it, try to challenge it) rather than expecting him to change his behaviour.

TheBucketWoman · 22/05/2023 17:22

Why does it upset you? Presumably he knew them before he met you. If he was interested in these women he’d be dating them instead of bothering with you.