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Original poster

Adoption and infertility

41 replies

Mydogbog · 21/05/2023 13:00

I saw on another thread people always suggesting adoption when by one mentions fertility struggle's!

A) Why is this suggested?

b) do you find it offensive when it is suggested to you

OP posts:
Motherofkittens28 · 21/05/2023 13:04

When I was struggling with infertility and going through ivf I found it incredibly offensive. To me it implied a complete lack of empathy. I'm not knocking adoption in any way but it is not anyone's place to suggest that to someone struggling with infertility.

LifeExperience · 21/05/2023 13:13
  1. It is suggested because it is an alternative way of becoming a parent if infertility treatment doesn't work.
  2. As an adopted child, I don't understand why it would be offensive if the suggestion is offered in a compassionate way.
Greenvelvetdress · 21/05/2023 13:16

It's offensive because as if as a person struggling with infertility you've never thought about adoption.

It also shouldn't be seen as 'a last resort.' I would be incredibly upset if anyone close to me suggested I should adopt because of my recurrent miscarriages.

Brunilde · 21/05/2023 13:19

It's suggested because they are idiots.

Yes it's offensive. Adoption is nothing like the fairytale these people imagine it to be. And without someone stating it's an option they are considering it is not the same as conceiving your own child. It's like someone saying they were having difficulty buying a car and someone saying 'why don't you just buy a plane'. For a small number of people a plane might be useful but it's not what the OP is wanting.

I'm not saying it's not the right thing for some and I'm sure there are families who are happy and complete because of this. But it is not an immediate alternative to conceiving a child. And it is often not an easy journey for parent or child. You have to choose it for the right reasons. Not because it's a last resort.

kikisparks · 21/05/2023 13:19

A) I think people want to give solutions to problems and don’t understand that sometimes all someone wants is some empathy (guilty of this myself sometimes in different situations)

B) As someone who struggled with infertility for 5 years it wasn’t that I found it offensive, more that it was a pointless and somewhat insensitive/ ignorant thing to say. Obviously infertile people are aware adoption exists and will look into that if they wish, they don’t need it suggested to them. Adoption can be an amazing way to have a family but it is, generally, very different (and often more challenging) than having a biological (or donor conceived) child.

Simonjt · 21/05/2023 13:20

At the adoption group we attend every single straight family have adopted due to fertility issues, not a single one has opted for adoption as a first choice to become parents. Mentioning adoption should be no different to discussing ivf, donor sperm/eggs, adopting an embryo etc. They’re all ways of increasing someones chances of becoming a parent.

takealettermsjones · 21/05/2023 13:21

I would imagine it's akin to someone who's never experienced hyperemesis gravidarum saying, "have you thought about ginger biscuits/travel sickness bracelets/sleeping upside down in a barrel of hay under a full moon" yada yada.

The answer in both cases is always:

Of course I have thought of everything, and I've either tried it and it hasn't worked or there's a very good reason why I'm not doing that. I do not wish to explain either to you and that's not what I asked.

SquashPenguin · 21/05/2023 13:21

A) People suggest this because they have no insight into infertility and think they’re being helpful. They are being the total opposite. Everyone knows adoption exists. Stop suggesting it expecting the reaction to be “why didn’t I just think of that in the first place!”

B) I find it incredibly offensive. Adoption is a wonderful thing. It is not however a consolation prize for those suffering infertility. I’ve had people suggest it to me after failed cycles. It totally undermines my pain and grief. I’ve cut myself off from friends who have said this. Perfectly fertile, never took more than a few months to conceive, friends who do not have the faintest idea.

Maireas · 21/05/2023 13:22

It's just pointless. Offered as a simple solution to a complex problem. People used to say it to me "oh there are so many children who need a family" so I got into the habit of saying "so why didn't you adopt then?"

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 21/05/2023 13:25

Generally I think it's just a pointless suggestion "have you thought of adoption?" The response is never going to be "no? What's that? Tell me more!"

I think if the suggestion comes from someone who has personal experience of adoption then it could be more useful (but is of course not appropriate in all situations), because they can actually offer new information. Otherwise the suggestion isn't doing that.

Allbymyself44 · 21/05/2023 13:26

It's really maddening when people do this. It really makes me angry as someone who can't have kids. "Oh you'd make such a lovely mummy. Have you thought about adopting."

There are many, many reasons why adoption isn't an option for me but of course I've bloody thought of it. It's like asking a hungry person if they've thought of eating.

kettlebellchips · 21/05/2023 13:28

That’s my experience too. It’s suggested as I suspect infertility is a motivating factor in people adopting. Whether it should be is another question

Speedweed · 21/05/2023 13:33

Agree with everyone else - it's usually offered as a patronising suggestion too, as if aren't you silly wasting all this time, effort and money on fertility treatment when you could 'just' go out and adopt a worthy parentless child.

It normally comes from someone who wouldn't have dreamt of going straight to adopting rather trying for their own child (at which they have been successful).

kettlebellchips · 21/05/2023 13:37

To be fair, I don’t think people who suggest adoption are suggesting as a simple solution or imagining that the other person has never heard of the context. In most cases, I suspect it’s offered as a genuine question.

Businessflake · 21/05/2023 13:44

kettlebellchips · 21/05/2023 13:37

To be fair, I don’t think people who suggest adoption are suggesting as a simple solution or imagining that the other person has never heard of the context. In most cases, I suspect it’s offered as a genuine question.

Yes exactly. And most couples I know who have been through IVF have talked about adoption.

LBFseBrom · 21/05/2023 13:54

Mydogbog · 21/05/2023 13:00

I saw on another thread people always suggesting adoption when by one mentions fertility struggle's!

A) Why is this suggested?

b) do you find it offensive when it is suggested to you

I think it is a very tactless thing to suggest to anyone struggling with infertility (though one can maybe forgive kids for saying whatever comes into their heads). Adoption is an entire different ball game to having a biological child, I speak as an adopted child.

Wishing you all the very best.

Maireas · 21/05/2023 16:01

Speedweed · 21/05/2023 13:33

Agree with everyone else - it's usually offered as a patronising suggestion too, as if aren't you silly wasting all this time, effort and money on fertility treatment when you could 'just' go out and adopt a worthy parentless child.

It normally comes from someone who wouldn't have dreamt of going straight to adopting rather trying for their own child (at which they have been successful).

Exactly this

Newnamenewname109870 · 21/05/2023 16:05

It is a pretty insensitive and patronising thing to suggest to someone who will have probably spent YEARS considering their choices. They will always know adoption exists so it’s a pretty silly thing to bring up as if it’s some kind of miracle answer they hadn’t thought of.

The people who suggest it frequently have NO IDEA what the adoption situation is like in the UK and at this time (it was different 30 years ago, for example). Unless they’ve actually adopted which they rarely have (as parents who have adopted are actually more sensitive) have no idea what it’s like to go through that process. They might thing they would have easily adopted but they have never had to be in that situation. There’s a strong chance they wouldn’t have when faced with the realities.

Immediately trying to solve someone’s problem is not helpful.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 21/05/2023 16:06

Maybe it’s partly because people don’t know what to say, and silence seems inappropriate or unkind.

Personally I am too aware of the many problems often associated with adoption to suggest it to anyone, but what do you say when someone tells you this in a sorrowful ( not by the way) manner? Is ‘ oh dear, I am sorry’ sufficient?

AllIeveknewonlyou · 21/05/2023 16:06

A few years ago a friend was struggling with infertility, adoption did cross my mind. I never voiced it though as she knew that was an option anyway and it seemed too sensitive to bring up.

If she wanted to talk about it she would have said.

Aprilx · 21/05/2023 16:10

I am childless not through choice. Fortunately nobody ever suggested this to me. I think if somebody had suggested it, I would find it more irritating than offensive. I would also think thy are a little bit stupid if they a) think adoption is really that easy and b) that they think they are the only person out of the two of us that knows about adoption.

Treaclehair · 21/05/2023 16:13

Infertility is definitely a taboo subject, perhaps more so than any other subject. The only possible equivalent is terminal illness. People are uncomfortable with it and back away from it in alarm.

It’s possible to adopt, love your adopted children dearly, and still grieve what might have been, and I think that is forgotten a lot. Adoption isn’t a cure all.

KimberleyClark · 21/05/2023 16:21

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 21/05/2023 16:06

Maybe it’s partly because people don’t know what to say, and silence seems inappropriate or unkind.

Personally I am too aware of the many problems often associated with adoption to suggest it to anyone, but what do you say when someone tells you this in a sorrowful ( not by the way) manner? Is ‘ oh dear, I am sorry’ sufficient?

Yes it is. And usually if someone confides in you that they are having fertility struggles they want an empathic listener. They are not asking you to fix the problem.

Maireas · 21/05/2023 16:21

Oh, and don't say, "oh yes, I understand, it took us three months before we conceived no 2"

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 21/05/2023 16:22

@KimberleyClark
thank you, , useful advice.