Adoption and infertility

[Mydogbog]

I saw on another thread people always suggesting adoption when by one mentions fertility struggle's!

A) Why is this suggested?

b) do you find it offensive when it is suggested to you

People who suggest adoption when they find out your are having issues always seem to think they are the first person who could possibly have thought of it, and that you couldnt have thought of it yourself without them

If you say you dont want to adopt or arent in the right place to consider it you open yourself up to very intrusive questions about why, in a way that biological parents are never asked about why they didnt adopt.

Also post infertility struggles, severak years into accepting having no children j still get people asking have i not thought about adoption. They aren't well meaning they are nosy.

Yes, it's offensive.

1. Of course the person will be aware of adoption as a route by which people become parents of children.

1. Adoption isn't a 'consolation prize' to suggest with the casualness of "we're out of choc chip ice-cream, would you like rocky road?".

1. Adoption criteria and processes are stringent. Many people who might be considering adoption or going through infertility may not be approved. People don't get approved just because they want to be.

1. Adopted children have often experienced significant trauma and have specific and complex needs, which many people may not be able to meet.

My husband has total infertility. No cure. People constantly suggest adoption.

I was curious about whether adoption would work for us, hence the username. But I decided it wasn't the right decision for me. In part because my biological child has additional needs and I worry it wouldn't be fair on them OR the adopted child.

But the main reason I made my decision is because even though we'd talked about adopting rather than having a biological child long before we knew husband was infertile, I know that I won't come to terms with his infertility for a long time. And if we adopted in the near future my emotions would be muddled up and adopting a child under those circumstances would be cruel. I don't want to accidentally inflict more trauma to a child who may have experienced terrible things. Maybe in 10 years we will adopt. But I wouldn't ever consider it until I knew I had healed and that it was for the "right" reasons.

A lot of thought has gone into this decision. So when people suggest adoption, it's not that I'm offended, but I'm tired. I'm tired of having to justify why I WON'T adopt. I'm tired of people thinking I haven't considered it. But most of all I'm tired of people just not thinking and not being sensitive to our situation. Maybe that makes me really unreasonable but it's how I feel.

It is suggested because it’s hard to know what to say when you’ve been told that someone who desperately wants children can’t do so biologically and adoption is a valid option for them.

It is offensive because it implies that children who don’t have their own parents can be given out to anyone who can’t conceive regardless of what sort of people they are and wether they would be good enough to be adopting parents.

It’s stupid and hurtful. I have had it suggested to me and just say ‘it’s not for us!’

It's suggested because it's a different way of building a family. No I don't find it offensive. Unless you've experienced infertility or adoption you will never really understand it. Ppl don't say those things to be offensive they say because they don't know what else to say.

Adoption can be an amazing way to have a family but it is, generally, very different (and often more challenging) than having a biological (or donor conceived) child.

To be fair, if you use a donor to conceive a child, egg or sperm, you have no real idea what the child is going to be like either.

Well no one knows what their child is going to be like biological or otherwise

But there are always going to be extra challenges with a child who has been through significant childhood trauma

I think adoption today is nothing like it was 40+ years ago. I do have some idea due to work.

In the past much loved babies were up for adoption mainly due to unmarried mothers. Nowadays babies and children are mainly put up for adoption due to being taken away from their parents. Many have problems due to mother's alcoholism or drug abuse. Older children have been treated badly. This does make them challenging.

That's great if you want to take it on as these children deserve better, but it won't be as easy as taking a child from the 60s/70s/80s born out of wedlock. This was still the case in the 80s although more socially acceptable to be a single mum.

I admire anyone who can do it though.

The issue I have with the way some people suggest adoption (or other things like major fertility treatment, surrogacy, coparenting, fostering etc) is that it can be presented with the slightly dismissive handwaving air of ‘here you go, here’s a Ctrl+Baby solution’.

Like the person is scratching around for an easy answer — ‘here’s another way of getting a kid!’

It dismisses the level of consideration, discussion, (sometimes) compromise, (sometimes) invasive questioning or medical treatment, and forethought that goes into adopting, fostering, working with a surrogate or undergoing fertility treatment.

Not to mention the delicate and highly personal framework of circumstances that lead to alternative routes being explored in the first place.

And it betrays that the person saying it does not appreciate their sheer privilege of being able to conceive with relatively little effort. ‘It was easy for me, here’s how it can be easy for you too’.

I don’t find it offensive, but I do find it ignorant, naive and blinkered.

You can only have a very limited idea what your biological child will be like, genes are complex. But not knowing what the child is going to be like is only one of many reasons that adoption may not be a route someone wants to take.

If you wouldn’t say it to a friend who told you she was ttc then don’t say it to someone who’s going through infertility. Tbh even if you would, don’t. Everyone knows about adoption, they’ll have considered it already so don’t think it’s your place to bring it up.

Thank you everyone so much for your answers. I do have a child and have never myself had fertility problems yet. I'm 25 however I know in 10 years I could have a completely different journey in life.

thank you for all your story and insights I have never really considered the two linked but I grew up around fostering and therefore see it from a different perspective.

thank you so much x

It's the sort of thing people say when they mean well, don't know what to say, but instead of pausing and listening to the person going through the situation, they start blurting out solutions.

For those going through infertility hearing 'have you considered adoption' for the millionth time isn't going to be a helpful response.

As someone who suffered miscarriage, complications and infertility for 2 years it has never once been ‘suggested’ to me. But that is because people who know us know that it just would not be something my husband would be interested in. The notion that it is a ‘fix’ is wrong. Adoption may be good option for anybody, whether they are suffering from infertility or not. Equally it might be a bad fit whether they are suffering with infertility or not. They are two very different prospects and it seems very blunt to assume that it is a given for infertile couples to go down this route

I think it's a very human desire to conceive and bear a child who carries your DNA. By suggesting people with infertility should instead parent a child who needs a home, you are kind of shaming someone for being selfish enough to put their own desires first. That's why it's upsetting and offensive.

I have biological and adopted children - teenagers. I adore my kids, and think adoption can be a wonderful thing. But it is different in many ways to biological parenting, and has to be chosen with full understanding of that, and not simply as an alternative means to the same end.