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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be concerned ?

85 replies

ManorHall7 · 21/05/2023 08:14

We have neighbours that are regularly leaving their 8 and 5 year old alone. This week 3 times however 1 time only for about 5 minutes it appears whilst one was coming home from work and one going to work in evening.

Would you be concerned ? And do anything ?

OP posts:
chickawhoo · 21/05/2023 11:19

Maves · 21/05/2023 10:26

I wouldn't do that...and if you remember the sad story about the two sets of twins that died in a fire a while ago it's not worth the risk....BuT even if it's reported I don't think they will do much it's not like she's leaving them all day and going getting pissed also how can you be sure no one else is in the house? A neighbour coukd be watching them.

This is the case that I thought of right away too.
It's actually heartbreaking that people are so dismissive of this. No doubt neighbours in that street had similar concerns and said nothing either. It's a tiny risk but not one worth taking for a child.

fridaytwattery · 21/05/2023 11:24

Those saying they were left home alone when younger (or even do it now) you're in a position to judge that your home life was otherwise stable, met your needs, with no abuse and you were happy to be left. The OP does not know this family and therefore has no way of knowing if that is the case in this situation. OP has a duty to report so that SS can check in with the family and support if necessary.

Safeguarding children is for everyone. In many cases it leads to nothing, children are safe and secure and loved. Sadly in other cases it does point to something more substantial, where a family does need support. I work in a school and have had children tell me how scared and upset they are when left alone at home when not ready, but parents feel they have no choice and I of course report to my DSL.

chickawhoo · 21/05/2023 11:30

fridaytwattery · 21/05/2023 11:24

Those saying they were left home alone when younger (or even do it now) you're in a position to judge that your home life was otherwise stable, met your needs, with no abuse and you were happy to be left. The OP does not know this family and therefore has no way of knowing if that is the case in this situation. OP has a duty to report so that SS can check in with the family and support if necessary.

Safeguarding children is for everyone. In many cases it leads to nothing, children are safe and secure and loved. Sadly in other cases it does point to something more substantial, where a family does need support. I work in a school and have had children tell me how scared and upset they are when left alone at home when not ready, but parents feel they have no choice and I of course report to my DSL.

Well said 👏

Thebigblueballoon · 21/05/2023 11:31

Jesus, don’t go in all blazing and report them to social services! Eight is young but it’s not so young that they’re completely vulnerable. I don’t think five-ten minute periods is a massive cause for concern.
You don’t know the full circumstances here. Perhaps they don’t have much choice than to do this due to their work commitments and finances. Also, they may well have other safeguarding measures such as CCTV on their phones, an emergency contact on standby etc

TheHoover · 21/05/2023 11:37

OP does not have ‘a duty to report’
SS are beyond stretched dealing with all sorts of horrific stuff that needs their attention far more than this.
IMO reporting someone to social services as the first and only intervention you take is terrible.

If you are genuinely so concerned about the kids’ welfare how about speaking with them in a balanced, reasonable and non-judgemental way and try to explore solutions. They may think you are a but at least you will not be a coward and you never know, even if they hate you after, the kids being left alone may happen less (which is after all what you want to happen).

DorritLittle · 21/05/2023 11:41

I have worked in social services and leaving kids so young is definitely something that would concern them enough to warrant talking to the parent.

ohfook · 21/05/2023 11:56

Why don't you offer to watch their kids. If you go from the assumption that they don't want to do this but have no choice due to shift patterns, what good will reporting do?

I have a friend who has no choice but to do this with her 8 year old. It's not ideal but she needs a job so she face-times her for the ten minutes that she's alone.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 21/05/2023 13:18

Ponoka7 · 21/05/2023 10:25

My eight year old GC often doesn't want to move out of the house. I've (and her Mum) have left her up to an hour. Her younger sibling goes stir crazy. She has a phone and is very independent. Tbh her Mum was and still is. Over the summer holidays, she'll be getting left in while we do an hour in the local park. Mention it if you want, it might be temporary. In times gone by the neighbours a local teen would have been paid to babysit.

So your daughter is not only a neglectful parent who leaves her child alone and unsupervised, but also one who won’t put boundaries in place, allows her kids to rule the roost and encourages unhealthy practices like hardly going out?

Excellent parenting from the both of you there 👍

Ponoka7 · 21/05/2023 14:40

SunnySaturdayMorning · 21/05/2023 13:18

So your daughter is not only a neglectful parent who leaves her child alone and unsupervised, but also one who won’t put boundaries in place, allows her kids to rule the roost and encourages unhealthy practices like hardly going out?

Excellent parenting from the both of you there 👍

Show quote history

My GC has medical issues, so dragging her out isn't always appropriate. She gets worn out, at times. Children need downtime. My GC is an avid reader and immerses herself in books. You should allow your children to develop their own personalities. Weekends spring to autumn we go walking in Wales etc. My DD does weight lifting and Muay thai. We all go to the gym. Her step father is a professional athlete. She's led by example. We believe in needs led parenting and that's what she is getting.

sunshineandtea · 21/05/2023 15:33

@Ponoka7 I agree. A mature 8 year old is more than capable of being left to their own devices for a while, rather than being made to join in against their wishes/abilities.

Maybe this is why we have so many completely useless and incapable teens and young adults who couldn't think for themselves if their lives depended on it?

PracticallyFlooredZero · 21/05/2023 15:44

If it’s a matter of a few minutes I think it’s ok. I’d check what their set up is. Maybe the children are on the phone to a parent or grandparent while they are being left. I agree it’s young to be left alone though.

I had a neighbour confront me saying she’d seen me let my boys into the house after school and leave them alone while I took my baby for a walk in the pram to get her to sleep. What she didn’t know was that my husband was in the house working from home. Id sent him a message saying I was letting the boys in and to keep an ear out for them as I needed to get the baby to sleep and they didn’t want to keep walking round with me. He’d text me back to say ok and off I went, was back in 5 mins but my neighbour just assumed I’d left them alone. I’m glad she checked with me before going off to social services!

thoughtsofmoog3 · 21/05/2023 15:52

I would have been fine and dandy when 8 years old for 5-10 minutes, even looking after a younger sibling.
Not for hours, but certainly for a short period of time. There again, I have a certain amount of common sense and my parents weren't hysterical.

thoughtsofmoog3 · 21/05/2023 15:53

*Of course if the kids are underfed, frequently out alone after dark, there are constant sounds of arguing etc, that would worry me - but a normal family, nope, all good.

Veryverycalmnow · 21/05/2023 16:14

I don't think children that age should be left alone, BUT how can you possibly know who is in the house, unless you've got a hidden camera- they could easily have a relative or friend staying over or even a childcare professional. What evidence do you have, other than the parents' timings?

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 21/05/2023 16:28

DorritLittle · 21/05/2023 11:41

I have worked in social services and leaving kids so young is definitely something that would concern them enough to warrant talking to the parent.

And then what?

DojaPhat · 21/05/2023 16:34

silverspoonsz · 21/05/2023 09:51

An 8 and 5 year old left alone for 5 minutes, safely locked in their own house, a few times a week? And you want to report this to social services? 😂 😂

Just be honest and admit you have an axe to grind with these particular neighbours.

Nope. not even an axe to grind. It's simply the enjoyment of interferring, helping, enforcing child protection and so forth. The thrill, for people like the OP, doesn't come from a grievance at wrong doing - it's simply chance, opportunity, boredom and a grandiose sense of self-importance.

autienotnaughtym · 21/05/2023 16:35

princessconsuelabananahammock91 · 21/05/2023 09:27

I honestly cannot fathom reporting someone to social services for this, as suggested by other posters.
If you otherwise believe the children to be well cared for and this is your only concern, why would this be your first choice?

This is what my parents had to do when we were young, it's the only way they could afford to pay the bills and put food on the table, by working opposite shifts.

You have no idea of the set up, they could have cameras monitoring them, they could be on a laptop zoom call with a grandparent, or they could be happily sitting in front of the TV for 5 minutes.

If I had no other concerns and the children look happy/healthy, I'd just mind my own business.

Social services aren't a punishment. They are a service there to support vulnerable /mistreated children. The parents may not appreciate the risks they are taking. Or they may not care. They may be entitled to additional support which may benefit them. This could be a small part of a bigger picture. Worse case scenario if nothing is actually wrong is ss contact the family find nothing wrong and take no further action.

Pixiedust1234 · 21/05/2023 16:43

Even if the 8 Yr old is mature enough to be left on their own for a while it doesn't mean they are capable of looking after a 5 Yr old as well. You just need to go on the parenting section to see grown adults cant always cope with a 4-5 Yr old.

Contact SS and let them decide. They might be able to offer some form of help or guide them to appropriate resources.

Freefall212 · 21/05/2023 16:47

I would not report them, they are clearly doing it out of necessity and latch key kids was for decades the way of life. They may well have riased their kids with more independence and responsibility than you have. Watching them come and go and standing and timing them to see what dirt you can get on them to report them is just the opposite of being a good neighbour. If you are concerned, offer to have the kids at your house for 5-15 minutes until the other parent is home, or offer to check in on them. Be a good neighbour.

Firstttimemama · 21/05/2023 16:47

I think YABVU to consider taking action for such a short amount of time. If we were talking for hours, then yes ok. But for short periods of time there is really no issue. I was regularly left at home on my own from the age of 6/7ish. Society has gone mad

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 21/05/2023 17:00

15 minutes max?
Doesn't sound like neglect but rather necessity

Time to be a good neighbour, talk with them and offer your help

Curseofthenation · 21/05/2023 17:56

I don't think anything would happen if you reported it to SS unless the children were not being cared for in other ways. I spent my summer holidays looking after my two younger siblings (aged 4 and 6) all day when I was 8. A police officer came by with our dog as he had got out. It was quite clear that we were home alone but the police officer didn't bat an eyelid. They probably wouldn't be that lax now (I'm early 30s) but I wouldn't expect them to care about children being left for 15 minutes. The law is vague...

Gremlins101 · 21/05/2023 18:15

Not having all the information...

I would knock on the door and offer that when you are in, their kids are more than welcome to come in for short periods to wait for the other parent to come back.

As someone with no family around, I often go to my neighbours for help and I'm lucky to live on a good street like that.

Original poster
ManorHall7 · 21/05/2023 20:05

No neighbours helping. Family live 5 minutes away not there. The initial neighbour who spoke to me originally has some timings captured on their cctv. (I don't need a debate about that) yesterday apparently they were left whilst parents went down the road to another neighbour for 20 minutes.

I don't think an 8 year old in charge of a 5 year old is sensible. I wasn't immediately going to call social services -but having grown up in care I wish my people had been more mindful of my situation. Perhaps the school is a better option

OP posts:
Mojoj · 21/05/2023 20:11

Wow! You must be permanently stationed at your window with your stopwatch. Maybe get a life and mind your own business?