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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Men with a hero complex

43 replies

Sh4rkAttack · 21/05/2023 00:00

I know I am ... hoping for ideas on how to be a bit less chippy.
I am in a walking group,and for the most part really enjoy it and have met some lovely people. But some of the men take it upon themselves to 'help' the women whenever there is a stream to cross, a bit of scrambling or even a stile. They'll position themselves (in the way) ready to grab us if we fall, and issue instructions about where to put our feet and hands. Today I was grabbed by the arm while reaching around for a handhold and pulled up a rocky section we were negotiating. This pisses me off no end, and I can't help myself from making a snippy comment when I am given unwanted help and advice.
To be clear, I have no issue with a quick offer of help, but I do expect my 'I'm fine thanks' to be accepted without hesitation. It's the ones who hover anyway 'just in case', or who don't even ask if the help is wanted in the first place that put my back up. I find it incredibly sexist and patronising, and have no intention of just putting up with it, but I would like to be able to respond in a way that makes the point with good humour... so how would you handle this?

OP posts:

Fiddlerdragon · 21/05/2023 00:04

I don’t think this really happens as much as you think it seems to. Join a new walking group

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/05/2023 00:06

You are completely invalidating her experience!

NewPinkJacket · 21/05/2023 00:07

When you're walking with a group of people, it's easy enough to address them all and tell them you don't need/want any help.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/05/2023 00:09

I have one at work. I've made it very clear I don't need saving but he does it to other women. The really annoying thing is that there are risky parts to our job and he's massively less able and calm than some of the female staff. Including me.

I the case of stile-boy, I'd smile and say, 'could you step back a bit please?' every time.

Original poster

Sh4rkAttack · 21/05/2023 00:17

The really annoying thing is that there are risky parts to our job and he's massively less able and calm than some of the female staff. Including me.

Exactly. I am one of the more capable members of the group, and the men who are the culprits here are generally... not.

OP posts:

Kanaloa · 21/05/2023 00:18

Just speak. Say ‘don’t grab me’ or ‘let go of me.’ There’s nothing wrong with being clear about your own wants/preferences. Or just be very clear that you’re an experienced hiker/climber or whatever and do not require any assistance.

Kanaloa · 21/05/2023 00:19

Like I can’t imagine a situation where a man grabbed me and pulled me up a rocky part of a road and I didn’t say anything.

UWhatNow · 21/05/2023 00:20

”I don’t need your help - I’m perfectly capable thanks”

Original poster

Sh4rkAttack · 21/05/2023 00:55

This is making me feel better. The suggested responses are pretty much what I have been saying, so maybe I should just carry on as I am. It's just that I get the impression I'm the only woman bothered by it, and the helpers think they are being helpful... I'm sure most of the group would perceive me as being rude. Maybe I just need to stop caring about that.

OP posts:

thecatinthetwat · 21/05/2023 01:12

Yep, they’re not thinking this much about their impact on you are they? So you can certainly crack on. If they help the other women and that’s fine for them then fine, but women are individual, you’re all owed to tell them to stop it/ F off.

Unicorn2022 · 21/05/2023 01:29

I don't have any advice but this seems to be a widespread thing as it happens in a walking group I sometimes join in East London. It doesn't bother me to be honest, it makes a change to see men trying to be helpful.

wafflyversatile · 21/05/2023 02:56

Do it back to them.

I'm 5ft and back when I was a size 10 men used to physically pick me up. When they put me down I would pick them up. They didn't seem to like that much.

Goodread1 · 21/05/2023 03:10

I think it's to do with social cultral conditioning, to being helpful it's the male equivalent to, being conditioning,

Just like females, are brought up/conditioned (brainwashed) to be allways kind, and put others, people's, needs allways before yourself as in our cultral society, it is consirded (thought, of as being selfish unkind,
to not think or act in this kind of mindset,

I am saying, that men can be conditioned (brainwashed) just like females, are in our culture, society @Sh4rkAttack

So it is not allways coming from a mindset of being sexist or misogynistic mindset. !

Goodread1 · 21/05/2023 03:12

This idea that men are allways sexist , they are not,
Some men are ,

but all men. !

YouJustDoYou · 21/05/2023 03:14

They probably see it as an opportunity to "flirt", silly males. Reminds of the scene from star wars where Rey and the other guy are running away and the guy goes to grab her hand as they're runnign and Rey is like "I KNOW HOW TO RUN!"

Goodread1 · 21/05/2023 03:14

Oops typo mistake!

Some men are sexist (misogynistic) !

Not all men are though

Sexist or misogynistic !

Goodread1 · 21/05/2023 03:16

I have been on walking groups , and had support and appreciated the help/support as a female with Rumertoid Athritis...!

Goodread1 · 21/05/2023 03:22

@thecatinthetwat

What's the aggressive response idea to this about in your post, towards men being helpful then?,
No need to have to say fuck off to them,

All @Sh4rkAttack needs to be , is just be assertive about this, repeat this ,until menfolk in her walking groups ,realise that..!

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/05/2023 04:30

Goodread1 · 21/05/2023 03:16

I have been on walking groups , and had support and appreciated the help/support as a female with Rumertoid Athritis...!

Presumably you said thanks the first time. OP didn't and didn't want it.

It's almost like different people want different things.

It's not the offer, it's the assumption.

takealettermsjones · 21/05/2023 05:04

Say STOP TOUCHING MY BODY really loudly every single time.

BarleySugars · 21/05/2023 06:01

OP I hear you, this is definitely a thing. I don't think it always comes from a good place and can be more about them getting a little buzz out of it than a genuine desire to help. I work in a male dominated field and they can seem to love a chance to lord it over me, assume i cant do things and butt in to what i'm doing in a way they wouldnt with another bloke. Physical mansplaining. I think you're just going to have to be more assertive.

MyEyesAreBleeding · 21/05/2023 06:25

If the first ask doesn't work, I'd say something like "I know you mean well, but this is making me very uncomfortable. Please can you go on ahead - I'll ask if I need help"

notsayingmuch · 21/05/2023 07:27

I think I would say something about wanting the physical challenge and that I need to do it myself to build muscle and balance. You could ask one that isn't so annoying to 'spot' you ie watch without intervening unless disaster actually strikes!

Donotgogentle · 21/05/2023 07:38

Could you stand on their hand by accident. A lot.

YANBU, it’s patronising and ridiculous.

Donotgogentle · 21/05/2023 07:41

wafflyversatile · 21/05/2023 02:56

Do it back to them.

I'm 5ft and back when I was a size 10 men used to physically pick me up. When they put me down I would pick them up. They didn't seem to like that much.

But this might be effective.

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