To wonder if you do reciprocal holiday childcare arrangements

[Starwarslover]

I have one school age child and two in nursery age
. I work 4 days a week and on my day off I find the time with all three a struggle. We muddle through the school holidays and for the time myself and my partner work we use holiday club and a bit of family care which we are lucky to have.

A school mum friend has asked if we could get into a reciprocal arrangement whereby in the school holidays I have her son on my day off and she has mine on hers. Mentally I don’t think I can cope with adding another child into the mix but I know her son will likely struggle with holiday club (additional needs) and her only family support is her mum who is quite young (60) but not in the best of health. She is a single parent.

AIBU to say no to this request? Do others get into these arrangements a lot?

I’ve done it but only for a day or two.

Is she seriously proposing to have all three of yours on her day off? If so fair swap if you can both cope but 4 kids under 6 is a big ask especially if one needs more care.
Fairly sure this would be borderline for a childminder but it's been a while since I've explored the regs. What's then desirable for her child's needs is another story.
I would simply say you can honestly not/barely cope with your own three and with the best will in the world and as much as you would like to be a good friend with a mutually beneficial relationship you can't see how this will work in a way that her child does well out of this.

I think it’s totally fine to say no. Some people might find the arrangement works for them. You don’t, so you can say no.

I can totally understand why you feel that way. Four kids by yourself is a lot. And if her child has additional needs, which you’re not used to, it might be tricky for you to understand how to meet these.

In the end , we all have to be free to arrange our lives in a way that suits us. I wouldn’t be keen to be tied to a reciprocal arrangement throughout the hols either

You need to do what’s right for you. If you think it’s a stretch for you, say no. The fact that he’d struggle w kids club, she has no help etc is not your problem to solve.

I've done it, weekly after school for a year and odd days ad hoc in the hols. It worked well at the time - but crucially we were both keen to keep the children out of after school club, so we both felt we benefitted from it.

If you were keen, I'd say go for it. But don't sign up to more than a day or two as a favour. These things only work out long term if both sides want to be doing it.

We have never done it with DC2, who is autistic. There will be other ways to help your friend out, you don't need to commit 2 days per week of all your children's holidays to them spending it with your friend's child.

It might sound a bit ridiculous, but there’s a chance that you would need to register with Ofsted in order to do this. I’m fairly certain there was a case of two policewomen who got in trouble for doing the exact same thing, having
both children on their days off. It counted as being paid for providing childcare, as the ‘payment’ was also childcare.

This was a couple of years ago though, so maybe things have changed.

No way

Changes the dynamic too much

I'm not 100% sure but seem to remember when investigating all possible childcare options back when mine were little that anything over 2 hours where there's a reciprocal arrangement would fall under childminder regulations and you would both need to be registered childminders. Having done a similar thing with my DSis (allowed because family) to each avoid one day's nursery fees I can categorically say I wouldn't do it.

No way, I've done this before, for about a year, and absolutely hated it. Having someone else's child is hard work. Not only is there an extra kid but it's not like having your own child. I can to really resent this child which wasn't his fault and I'd hide it from him but never ever again.

I couldn’t take them all out in the car

That would be a good enough reason for me.

Honestly, OP-you don’t want to do it, so that’s that. I wouldn’t want to do ut if I was you. She can be as disappointed/hurt/annoyed as she wants but something like this has got to be an arrangement that benefits both sides or it just won’t work.

Thank you all for your advice! Very sensible answers and you’re right if it doesn’t work for both parties then it doesn’t work. I’ll say no for definite and hope she’s not too offended! I’m worried she will think it’s because of her sons additional needs rather than just it’s an additional child. Sadly he doesn’t have many friends so she’s limited on parents she can get into this arrangement with, but it is what it is

I've done a bit of this in the past and it really only works if the circumstances on both sides are similar and/or another DC adds something positive to the mix i.e. if the DCs are friends. Definitely say no in your circumstances.

I don't think she should be offended. Some of my favourite memories of my children's primary school days were those odd holiday weekdays I had at home with them bumbling about in PJs, or going out for a little picnic. When you work a lot of the hols there are precious few of these days. Having a guest there all day completely changes the dynamic, you become more the facilitator of a playdate.

It was completely reasonable of her to suggest a childcare swap. But "no thanks, I've got my plate full with my 3" is absolutely fine. Maybe try to get together with her over the hols when you are both around instead.

I did it when DS was much younger but the other Mum kept flaking on me when it was her turn to have DS so I soon put a stop to it.

She said I was being VVVVU and we haven’t spoken since (he’s 17 now) and I know I had a lucky escape.

We did quite a bit of reciprocal childcare with a few mums, the big difference was all the children were only children, they were good friends and actually having someone to play with made life easier so win-win all round. I would have 3-4 at a time some days, but 3-4 friends playing together is very different when you add the dynamics of younger/older siblings in the mix.

If it doesn't work for you, then just say so.