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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if you do reciprocal holiday childcare arrangements

40 replies

Starwarslover · 20/05/2023 21:48

I have one school age child and two in nursery age
. I work 4 days a week and on my day off I find the time with all three a struggle. We muddle through the school holidays and for the time myself and my partner work we use holiday club and a bit of family care which we are lucky to have.

A school mum friend has asked if we could get into a reciprocal arrangement whereby in the school holidays I have her son on my day off and she has mine on hers. Mentally I don’t think I can cope with adding another child into the mix but I know her son will likely struggle with holiday club (additional needs) and her only family support is her mum who is quite young (60) but not in the best of health. She is a single parent.

AIBU to say no to this request? Do others get into these arrangements a lot?

OP posts:
Seashor · 20/05/2023 21:58

I used to but I love having children around. My two friends worked and I was term time only so in the holidays I’d have five boys. We all had passes to a local attraction which we used to go to a lot or I’d take them camping. Great memories.

discan · 20/05/2023 21:59

No I wouldn't want to get tied down like that. I can se show it may work for some though

gardendream · 20/05/2023 22:00

I wouldn’t say yes as find it stressful having more kids around (and expensive - the amount they eat!!)

Do whats right for you, don’t sweat it.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/05/2023 22:03

Nah. You still got two other kids to have to sort childcare for or look after on your days. Be different if you both end up with a child free day each.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/05/2023 22:04

Seashor · 20/05/2023 21:58

I used to but I love having children around. My two friends worked and I was term time only so in the holidays I’d have five boys. We all had passes to a local attraction which we used to go to a lot or I’d take them camping. Great memories.

Did they ever reciprocate on weekends etc?

cocksstrideintheevening · 20/05/2023 22:07

No chance

Shinyandnew1 · 20/05/2023 22:09

No, I think I’d find that too stressful. If it ended up with a child-free day, I’d consider it.

prescribingmum · 20/05/2023 22:11

I would consider it for a week but no longer if it is going to make my life harder rather than easier. Especially if you are home with the other 2 on the day she would have your child.

Now both mine are school age, I find having their friends home generally makes the day smoother as they have company and are occupied. If this was not the case, I would not do it on a regular basis.

reluctantbrit · 20/05/2023 22:13

No, I was always glad when I had my day off work and could just relax with DD who also needed peace after 4 days holiday club.

purpleme12 · 20/05/2023 22:13

I tried to ask other mums for this.
More out of desperation than anything else as there are no childcare options after school anymore.
But I would have had to reciprocate whenever.
But no one wanted to do it

Original poster
Starwarslover · 20/05/2023 22:13

@Shinyandnew1 no Childfree day unfortunately. I wouldn’t ask or expect her to have all 3. Realistically for me it means he’s at someone else’s house instead of holiday club (which tbh he loves and has no issue going there) and the flip side is I would have an extra child to look after on my day off. She seems to be surprised I’m not keen though

OP posts:
NeverTrustAPoliceman · 20/05/2023 22:15

I did it but the children were best friends anyway. It worked brilliantly for everyone but I wouldn't do it if the child or children involved wouldn't choose to play together anyway. It's not fair to impose another child on them if they don't want it.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 20/05/2023 22:17

I wouldn't. Do you drive, would you be able to fit all 4 kids and car seats in your car if you needed / wanted to go somewhere? That would put me off.

How old are your and her DC?

MiddleParking · 20/05/2023 22:22

If I was going to do this I’d only do it with a parent with the same number of children as me and only if it led to a roughly even workload that led to roughly even benefits for both parents. Doesn’t sound like any of that is the case here.

Original poster
Starwarslover · 20/05/2023 22:26

@GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut my son is 5 and twins just turned 2. Her son is 6 (same school year though). I couldn’t take them all out in the car as wouldn’t have enough isofix points but I do drive.

OP posts:
HaveSomeIntrospect · 20/05/2023 22:31

No, I wouldn’t. Another child will be a lot more work for you, you won’t get to spend a day with just your kids.
and she isn’t glint to have all of yours in return.
what benefit is there for you?

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 20/05/2023 22:35

When they all get a bit older (5+) it can work well especially if each child has a friend - they play with their friends rather than annoying each other. Only helps though if a day with just the twins would be nice. You may also need to be firm about playing with younger siblings nicely. Having said that it sounds as if for now it doesn't suit you so stick with what suits you.

SparkyBlue · 20/05/2023 22:45

I personally wouldn't. It adds a completely different dynamic to things. Even if you are having a lazy rainy day or whatever with loads of tv you wound still need to be mindful that you have to care and entertain someone else's child. It makes it more difficult to get out and about which could all just make you feel even more stressed and make it all even more of a struggle.

FatGirlSwim · 20/05/2023 22:50

I wouldn’t want to as I would want the time with my own children on my day off. If it means you can’t go out in the car on your day off that wouldn’t be ok for me, although can’t a 5 or 6 year old go in the front and another between two small ones safely?

I just wouldn’t want to. I’ve said yes to the occasional favour but for me the price of holiday club that I’d save wouldn’t be worth it at all. My dc also need down time.

TenseTessa · 20/05/2023 22:52

I think this would only work if you swapped the same number of kids over on the reciprocal days.

You'd have two drop offs if he went to hers on that day
And 4 kids on your day off - no thanks !

youveturnedupwelldone · 20/05/2023 23:07

Having been in one such arrangement - they are incredibly binding. If I could do the time again I'd say a big fat no.

The way these people get you is that you feel sorry for their circumstances and prioritise them above your own out of guilt.

It will only be useful for you if she has all your children for the reciprocal days, because then she's doing the same as you are, right? 100% she won't do it.

TenseTessa · 20/05/2023 23:14

TenseTessa · 20/05/2023 22:52

I think this would only work if you swapped the same number of kids over on the reciprocal days.

You'd have two drop offs if he went to hers on that day
And 4 kids on your day off - no thanks !

What I mean is that if you had one kid and she had one kid total.

What I said is what she wants. Didn't mean that. !

lugur · 20/05/2023 23:18

I haven't done it, DD1 is only reception age so not been approached. I think I'd only consider it as a play date sort of arrangement, to enable my DC to play with friends, which she couldn't do it they went into clubs or other childcare. But I'd be a bit annoyed at the sort of arrangement proposed by OP's friend. It's not equal as the friend's DC has additional needs (I have a DC with SEN so know that he takes more work than other DC) and the fact that the friend would get child free time but OP wouldn't. So more work for OP, and less benefit to her. I think it's also a bit cheeky to ask a mum with three young dc too - I wouldn't dream of burdening a mum with even one nursery age kid with an extra child, let alone 2.

Jellos · 20/05/2023 23:20

There are definitely a lot of school mums that are looking for that kind of thing but no, not for me! I’d hate to be stuck in that routine and also having to be responsible for someone else’s child.

blahblahblah1654 · 20/05/2023 23:30

I wouldn't want to commit to that. Seems very restrictive and knackering with 4 kids at once. Would also make holidays etc pretty difficult when you want to take them. If you're managing as you are now, carry on.

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