Mother supporting me through leaving abusive partner but is now singling out eldest child

[Gettissuesgotissues]

Looking for a bit of advice on how to handle this situation. My mother has been staying with me for a few months. During this time she's given me the strength and encouragement to leave an abusive relationship, my partner has left after years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse towards me and our three children, which I'm extremely grateful for. Since he's been gone she's provided lots of emotional and practical support, I think I'd struggle without her here with three young children. Although she does pressure me over every decision I'm making about contact between him and the kids etc.

Our relationship has been tumultuous over the years, with periods of no contact, usually due to me saying or doing something minor that has upset her. This was a pattern throughout my childhood, and I'd often be subjected to the silent treatment. She now seems to have singled out my eldest as troubled and not liking her. I think he reminds her of my ex. He's only 6, and sometimes does come out with hurtful comments. Today it was he didn't want to go in the kitchen 'whilst grandma was there'. She takes huge offence to these kinds of comments, and says it's extremely hurtful, I just see it as things kids say sometimes. All day she's been leaving the room when he comes in, and then took herself off upstairs for most of the afternoon/evening. She sent me a message saying I was 'being short with her' and she's 'disappointed for being a scapegoat for issues'. I was probably a bit short with her afterwards as I was dealing with a crying baby and tantruming toddler, and didn't have the mental space to deal with something I see as a non issue. This has come up a few times with my eldest and her over the last few weeks. She adores my baby, and I think it's obvious to my eldest as she doesn't make much effort with him.

So what the hell do I do now? She's my main support during an incredibly stressful time.

YABU - Your eldest's behaviour is a major issue and you should do everything you can to make sure he doesn't hurt your mother's feelings

YANBU - He's only 6, she's and adult and is overreacting and you should ask her to leave

What do you mean when you say he says hurtful things sometimes?

Your mum sounds rather silly 'not speaking' to a six year old. But that might be a separate issue.

I honestly don't remember any of mine saying hurtful things at that age so I can't imagine what you mean. I'm not trying to be snooty here - I don't know if you're being realistic or if you've got your mummy goggles on.

Just things like 'I don't want to go in the kitchen when grandma is in there' and 'I don't want grandma to come with us to x place' (he said that once, I think because he wants time with me on his own sonetimes). I don't think I'd find this particularly hurtful from, say, a friends child, but she does seem to find it hurtful and like a rejection.

Your mother needs to go. Silent treatment is no way to treat a child and I suspect her behaviour normalised abuse and primed you for your abusive marriage, it's time to break the cycle. Find a local support group and build a healthy support network.

I'd say your mother needs to go. That kid has had his life turned upside down by his father (I assume) leaving the household - whether that was what was best for him or not. He is likely to think it is his fault - that he could have been better or done something different to change how his dad treated him/you. He doesn't need to be made to feel guilty by an abusive grandma who is out with her nasty ways.

You can do this alone - and if you fell you can't there are others out there who can support you. Don't go from one abusive relationship back to another!

@LittleOwl153 I think you've hit the nail on the head there. It's almost like I only had the strength to leave one abusive person when another was there. Don't get me wrong, she has definitely helped and given me that strength to do what needed to be done, now I need to dig a little deeper and find the strength to go it alone. I'm just so scared I won't cope, but plenty do I guess. I know I need counselling.

Poor little guy. He will be aware of her attitude, doesnt understand (I don't either) and is reacting by saying he doesn't want to be around her, understandably.

She is being very cruel to a very small child and you can't allow this. Best of luck.

Your mother is abusive. Actually, she set you up to be mire likely than others to end up in an abusive relationship. She has confused you to the point that you struggle to see how horrible her behaviour is.

I appreciate it may be hard,but you need to protect your children and step back from this abusive relationship too.

I don't think I'd find this particularly hurtful from, say, a friends child, but she does seem to find it hurtful and like a rejection.

I'm not saying I agree with the way she's behaving but it's not a friend's child, it's her grandchild so of course she'll be hurt by it

Firstly well done for leaving your ex, that must have been tough but sounds like it was absolutely the right thing to do. As for your mum - I think she is behaving like a child, not an adult. She really shouldn't be taking offence at a 6 year old! I
would be looking for ways to move away from her and start to live a less enmeshed life.

My dm used to like me until I got a voice. In my 20's...your dm needs gone...
Ime.

Would you not put that aside if it was said by a really small child who has already been the victim of domestic abuse and is in the midst of a really difficult situation as his parents separate?

I cannot imagine thinking it was appropriate to centre my feelings over their need for love and security, especially when it's so clearly just an attempt to get his mum to himself.

Thanks for all of your comments. She asked me today if I was 'over' yesterday, and for once I was honest and said I'd found it hurtful she kept walking out of the room when my eldest came in. She said she's only ever tried to help, she always gets the blame for everything, she's too old to be arguing with a grown woman, it's affecting her health. So I calmly said I thought it was best if she went home. She agreed.

Shit. I know it's for the best, but bloody hell this is going to be hard on my own.

I think you've definitely done the right thing, for your children, the long-term relationship with your mother and you. Your DS was expressing, in the only way he knows how at that age, that he was unhappy with his home life and you've taken action.

It'll take a bit of time to get into a new routine but you can do it. Are there friends you can call on for a little bit of help if needed?

for a start he is probably saying that as he intuitively recognises she herself isn’t kind to him or favours the other siblings or just gives off bad vibes

For second she’s an adult and he’s a small child. You don’t sulk and ignore a child for saying childish things. That’s pathetic

OP you are in a potentially abusive relationship with your mother. Hard as it may be she has to go. You sound a kind and empathetic mother yourself- trust your thoughts here and protect your children. Solo parenting is HARD with three children and I can totally see why you needed her help but you won’t heal and thrive whilst she is there.

Thank you. Yes I've got a few really good friends around, I'm terrible at asking for help so I need to get over that and just ask.

Yep, I just need to settle into new routines. I've already done that since ex has left, for example I was dreading doing bedtime with all 3 but it's actually really lovely and calm for the most part now.

Honestly I think you've been told it's hard and you won't manage alone.

I think you will find it's easier when you aren't having to accommodate an extra demanding adult in the house.

Looking after children alone is easier than doing it while tiptoeing around an abusive adult.

I think your mother needs to leave. She's damaging you and your children. You can do this alone. Not having to deal with your mother would be huge.

Great so you have effectively gotten rid of one abusive family member and replaced it with another? Narcissistic traits are abuse and your mother has them? What the hells she doing living with you? Get her gone.

If I got hurt every time my children were mean to me I'd spend my life upset. Children say and do hurtful things sometimes especially when they've experienced trauma.

My DC witnessed and were subjected to abuse and when their daddy left it hurt and they lashed out. I was triggered a lot of the time so I went and got extensive therapy. Your DM is being ridiculous and abusive and I'm pleased you've asked her to leave.

OP go and get some therapy, I really didn't think I could do it on my own because I was told that I couldn't all my life but I'm smashing it now.

I brought up 3 autistic children on my own and everyone kept telling me how hard it would be but quite frankly, it was easier to do it alone.

Then you would need to grow up a bit and remember you are the grown up. Unless you are also 6.

OP I know it's tough but at some point you need to go alone any way, unless you plan for your mum to stay with you long term. Your 6 year old has been through a tough time, he deserves his home to be a safe place where he can act out a bit sometimes. You can do this. Best of luck to you.

Glad she's going. You'll be fine. You can do this and I promise you'll find it much easier when you're no longer worrying about emotional abuse from anyone else and can just focus on logistics of raising your children.

This is really helping, thank you. Especially hearing from those of you who have and are raising kids alone. I will seek therapy. I'm so focused on trying to give my children the best environment and make sure they're happy that I've neglected myself. But if I don't sort myself out then it's not going to help the situation.

OP I haven't done it myself, but my DM did, my brother's were 6, me in my teens. She managed, more than, and you will too x