Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother supporting me through leaving abusive partner but is now singling out eldest child

39 replies

Gettissuesgotissues · 20/05/2023 21:21

Looking for a bit of advice on how to handle this situation. My mother has been staying with me for a few months. During this time she's given me the strength and encouragement to leave an abusive relationship, my partner has left after years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse towards me and our three children, which I'm extremely grateful for. Since he's been gone she's provided lots of emotional and practical support, I think I'd struggle without her here with three young children. Although she does pressure me over every decision I'm making about contact between him and the kids etc.

Our relationship has been tumultuous over the years, with periods of no contact, usually due to me saying or doing something minor that has upset her. This was a pattern throughout my childhood, and I'd often be subjected to the silent treatment. She now seems to have singled out my eldest as troubled and not liking her. I think he reminds her of my ex. He's only 6, and sometimes does come out with hurtful comments. Today it was he didn't want to go in the kitchen 'whilst grandma was there'. She takes huge offence to these kinds of comments, and says it's extremely hurtful, I just see it as things kids say sometimes. All day she's been leaving the room when he comes in, and then took herself off upstairs for most of the afternoon/evening. She sent me a message saying I was 'being short with her' and she's 'disappointed for being a scapegoat for issues'. I was probably a bit short with her afterwards as I was dealing with a crying baby and tantruming toddler, and didn't have the mental space to deal with something I see as a non issue. This has come up a few times with my eldest and her over the last few weeks. She adores my baby, and I think it's obvious to my eldest as she doesn't make much effort with him.

So what the hell do I do now? She's my main support during an incredibly stressful time.

YABU - Your eldest's behaviour is a major issue and you should do everything you can to make sure he doesn't hurt your mother's feelings

YANBU - He's only 6, she's and adult and is overreacting and you should ask her to leave

OP posts:
Daniki · 21/05/2023 12:17

Sounds like swopping one manipulator for another, what a horrible way to treat a 6 year old 😩

FictionalCharacter · 21/05/2023 12:17

AxolotlOnions · 20/05/2023 21:44

Your mother needs to go. Silent treatment is no way to treat a child and I suspect her behaviour normalised abuse and primed you for your abusive marriage, it's time to break the cycle. Find a local support group and build a healthy support network.

100%.
Your child sees through her, which is why he doesn't want to be around her. Because he has the honesty of a child, he says so.
If you don't stop her treating him like this she'll affect him badly.

Cherrysoup · 21/05/2023 12:38

Your mother is also abusive. Get rid.

BlastedPimples · 21/05/2023 12:55

Your mum needs to go. Your ds needs to know you've got his back 100%.

If your ex was abusive to your kids are they still seeing him? If so, why?

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 21/05/2023 13:20

Well done for dealing with your mum calmly. I can't imagine you found it easy to do. You should make sure she actually goes though and wasn't using it as emotional blackmail. Ask her her plan for going back home, emphasise how much she has helped you and thank her, especially if you want to maintain a relationship. Reassure your wee boy that you are there for him while talking about kind words etc. It will be a challenge for you but you are doing a grand job. Having brought up two kids myself mostly, being super organised was my way of coping. Not sweating the small stuff either. Good luck for the future

Sprinkles211 · 21/05/2023 14:35

Your taking your child away from one form of abuse and his grandmother is now causing another you need to tell her and if she doesn't stop you need your own place that's a disgusting way for someone to act towards a child

Fiddlededeefiddlededoh · 21/05/2023 14:48

@Gettissuesgotissues there is a reason you were vulnerable to your husband’s behaviour, I suspect it was your mother normalising the behaviours in your childhood. It was rife in my own family growing up too and what I have learned is that you have to distance yourself from people with these traits. They are harmful people who don’t take responsibility and do not change. Protect yourself and your children. In your situation temporarily I’d suck up enormously your mother but also get her to move out and detach massively from her because you do not need the hassle of a second narcissistic person sapping your energy at the moment. Take it step by step.

aloris · 21/05/2023 15:10

I think it will be easier without her there. There are advantages to having a second adult around, in terms of being able to run errands more conveniently, backup childcare, etc. But there are also disadvantages as you have to cater to their needs in how you organise the house, your day, how you parent, etc. Your mother's emotional problems are exacerbating that. On your own, you'll be able to set things up the way that works best for you and your children.

LittleHare · 21/05/2023 15:33

Your child is sensing your mothers attitude towards him, and is reacting. To be labelled as 'trouble' by an adult when you've not done anything to warrant that is extremely harmful. I should know as my dad always referred to me as a trouble maker when in fact I was too scared of him to even dare do anything.

Perhaps your mum has been with you long enough, and its time for you to stand on your own 2 feet - for the sake of your children if nothing else.

DelphiniumBlue · 21/05/2023 15:37

There's a reason he's saying he doesn't want to be around grandma, this is not just accidental, unintentional comments. He can see she doesn't like him. She might be hurt, but he's saying it because she hasn't been nice to him, not because he's trying to upset anyone.

Original poster
Gettissuesgotissues · 22/05/2023 09:06

She left this morning, after asking if I was sure I didn't want her to stay. I said I thought it would be better for our relationship if she went just now, and thanked her for everything she's done for us. She left without saying goodbye to me or the kids, but did send me a message later saying she loved me and would always be there if i needed her.

In future I'll keep her visits shorter, hopefully we can find a positive way through this.

Thanks for all of your support, it kept me strong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gettissuesgotissues · 22/05/2023 09:07

Now to find my own way through this with my beautiful children.

OP posts:
LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 22/05/2023 12:38

It sounds like you have dealt with this really well. You have been honest, calm and forthright about the relationship and it seems like your mum has listened. You can do this. Your children have a great mum and role model

IWasOlderThen · 22/05/2023 12:57

Gettissuesgotissues · 20/05/2023 21:21

Looking for a bit of advice on how to handle this situation. My mother has been staying with me for a few months. During this time she's given me the strength and encouragement to leave an abusive relationship, my partner has left after years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse towards me and our three children, which I'm extremely grateful for. Since he's been gone she's provided lots of emotional and practical support, I think I'd struggle without her here with three young children. Although she does pressure me over every decision I'm making about contact between him and the kids etc.

Our relationship has been tumultuous over the years, with periods of no contact, usually due to me saying or doing something minor that has upset her. This was a pattern throughout my childhood, and I'd often be subjected to the silent treatment. She now seems to have singled out my eldest as troubled and not liking her. I think he reminds her of my ex. He's only 6, and sometimes does come out with hurtful comments. Today it was he didn't want to go in the kitchen 'whilst grandma was there'. She takes huge offence to these kinds of comments, and says it's extremely hurtful, I just see it as things kids say sometimes. All day she's been leaving the room when he comes in, and then took herself off upstairs for most of the afternoon/evening. She sent me a message saying I was 'being short with her' and she's 'disappointed for being a scapegoat for issues'. I was probably a bit short with her afterwards as I was dealing with a crying baby and tantruming toddler, and didn't have the mental space to deal with something I see as a non issue. This has come up a few times with my eldest and her over the last few weeks. She adores my baby, and I think it's obvious to my eldest as she doesn't make much effort with him.

So what the hell do I do now? She's my main support during an incredibly stressful time.

YABU - Your eldest's behaviour is a major issue and you should do everything you can to make sure he doesn't hurt your mother's feelings

YANBU - He's only 6, she's and adult and is overreacting and you should ask her to leave

I am not trying to be unkind to your mother here but she seems a bit sensitive to the point of paranoia? Seems she has her own issues going on which she is projecting on to your child who btw sounds like a normal six year old who has been through an awful time of it and is probably processing some trauma of his own.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page