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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Resenting men for finding me attractive

39 replies

Perlosa · 20/05/2023 21:11

I may be having some sort of identity issue. Just prefacing.

So, I've had clinical depression since my late teens. Has been managed with medication and psychological treatment. Just after Christmas I had a bit of a breakdown. There was something so terrifying about entering the year I turn 30 and not having achieved anything meaningful (to me).

On paper I am successful. Considered conventionally beautiful, good figure and intelligent.

Anyway, I gained a lot of weight at the beginning of the year and allowed mother nature to reclaim me. i have very thick, dark hair so it is very easy to impersonate a cave woman. I have long hair hair which is complimented often but only if it is styled daily, otherwise, I truly look like Hagrid.

I gave up caring about my appearance and it was clear that I was no longer a head turner. That in and of itself did not bother me.

It's just now that I have lost the weight (basically by starving myself) that I have issues. Men have started paying attention again. The man I am on the verge of starting a relationship with would not have looked twice at me several months ago. May have even made a nasty judgement. I almost hate him for it. For the superficiality, the fickleness. It's weak in my eyes. I just dont know what to do with these feelings.

AIBU?

OP posts:
bibbityboppityboo · 20/05/2023 21:18

I think men (and women!) find certain types and things attractive, I'm not sure many men would have Hagrid at the top of their list!

I'd say it's normal to notice and perhaps dislike the way people treat you when you make a huge change, like weight loss / surgery etc. Personally, I think a change in attitude from someone based on those factors does say more about the person than it does about you, normal as it may be.

Did the man you're thinking about a relationship with know you several months ago when you were in your Hagrid phase? If he didn't, then I think you are perhaps assuming things of him and treating him unkindly in your head (unless of course he's made some very obvious horrible comments or similar, in which case I'd reconsider the relationship part!).

Let the feelings flow, but don't internalise them. They're totally valid and I've definitely felt similar, but I don't let it rule my mind. I just don't surround myself with people who feed into that sort of behaviour, it's always going to be out there but I'm not responsible for it and it doesn't really impact me if I don't engage in it. If that makes sense?

If you've got anyone you talk to about the mental health side it might be worth exploring it with them 😊

Curseofthenation · 20/05/2023 21:19

Surely you prefer men that look attractive to you? You admit that you didn't take care of yourself. I wouldn't date an overweight man that stank of BO and hadn't had a hair cut or shaves in yonks. Who wants to sleep with someone like that when they can do better? Come on now.

Sissynova · 20/05/2023 21:20

I think it’s clear you have some very deep routed insecurities.
It’s only mid May but somehow you totally stopped caring about your appearance, piled on weight yet also then lost all the weight again by now.
You could only have gained and lost a relatively minor amount of weight in that time.

Don’t get into a relationship if with anyone you have doubts about but it’s not really reasonable to expect attraction to have no part in a normal adult romantic relationship so yes resenting him for finding you attractive seems like it stems from pretty unhealthy place.
Do you not find him attractive?
Is that different? Why?

silverspoonsz · 20/05/2023 21:23

All physical attraction is superficial and fickle. Presumably you don't pick men that look like gollum?

It's our natural biological instinct to be attracted to certain traits and not others. Some physical traits are biologically desirable and some aren't. There's nothing inherently wrong with that.

You do sound like you're struggling though. Maybe therapy could help you through some of your thoughts/feelings?

x2boys · 20/05/2023 21:25

Well that ,s the way it goes surely?
in the early days of dating you only.have looks to go off to be attracted to.someone clearly there needs I be more than looks for a relationship to develop but can you honestly say you would be attracted to someone so you found repulsive physically even though if you got to know them they might be your ideal mate?

missmollygreen · 20/05/2023 21:44

Would you have dated the man you are about to start a relationship with if we was significantly less attractive than he is now? Or very overweight?

Original poster
Perlosa · 20/05/2023 21:59

I lost 3 stone.

I can lose weight very easily when i find myself repulsive. Have always lost weight one way; fast for 6 days (strictly water only, maybe a broth of water and cayenne pepper) and then a "treat" in the form of a Deliveroo on Sundays. Have always lost weight this way. Only weigh I can do it. Not encouraging this at all but I'm an all or nothing kind of person. Psychiatrist said "you, think?" when I came to this conclusion once.

Please don't lose weight this way. My joints are very clichy now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Perlosa · 20/05/2023 22:00

The guy I'm seeing was in my circle. When I was in my low I barely left my house. Noone other than my immediate family saw me.

I was clean but scruffy.

OP posts:
Bopcorn · 20/05/2023 22:05

Perlosa · 20/05/2023 22:00

The guy I'm seeing was in my circle. When I was in my low I barely left my house. Noone other than my immediate family saw me.

I was clean but scruffy.

I suspect not leaving the house much is more likely to have been unappealing to him than how you looked. People have preferences though which is fine, it's different imo to have particular ideals when it comes to dating than being shallow overall and treating people differently or dumping someone you already know and love as they've gained weight. I wouldn't date a hugely overweight man because I don't find that attractive.

JaneJeffer · 20/05/2023 22:33

The man I am on the verge of starting a relationship with
It seems you are not in the right headspace to start a relationship with anyone at the moment. Are you still seeing a psychiatrist? What do they say?

Original poster
Perlosa · 20/05/2023 23:18

I see my psychiatrist every 6 weeks.

I agree I'm not in the right headspace for a relationship but one of the things causing me intense anxiety is the prospect of leaving it too late to find a suitable partner.

OP posts:
Mrsmillshorse · 20/05/2023 23:41

Have you ever looked into your childhood to unpick how you became "clinically depressed " ?

Have you heard anything about depression being a trauma response?

I was diagnosed with a bunch of issues, put on various drugs from 20s-30s. Turns out there was nothing wrong with me though, I just had the misfortune to have an abusive mother.

Power of Now was my starting point to unpick it all and claim my life for myself. Worth a shot

SW2002 · 20/05/2023 23:57

So when you are at your most 'beautiful' (your words) and looking like some kind of model you presumably have the 6ft, chiselled, hunky guys fawning over you? Would you go out with a 25 stone chubber who has given up caring about his appearance, hasn't cut his hair in months and frankly you're not certain he even owns a razor?

I doubt it.

Giving up caring about appearance is about more than the way you look, it's about pride in yourself and valuing yourself. I know it's a cliche often trotted out by some women that they 'look good for themselves, not for the benefit of men', but honestly in many cases it's true. If you don't value and respect yourself enough to run a comb through your hair and eat something a bit better than an iced bun, then how do you expect a man to care for and respect you?

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 21/05/2023 00:20

Do you think your general vibe is just different when you're looking after yourself better? There are plenty of larger women who look after themselves in relationships. People aren't so drawn to people who don't at least look after themselves and maybe your body language is different when you're in the place you're not looking after yourself? It may not be as much about being slim an attractive as much as about your general demeanor.

I know when I'm not in the best head space I don't give off approachable vibes.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/05/2023 00:26

It seems to me op that it’s you, you are the one putting all the emphasis on looks. I mean, your version of successful is to have a good figure? Really?

Yet you resent men who prioritise exactly the things you apparently do too

UWhatNow · 21/05/2023 00:27

I think some of these posts are absolute sexist bullshit. YANBU op to want someone to find you attractive because of who you are, not how you look superficially. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate and resent attraction that is shallow. Perhaps others have a low bar?

Aquamarine1029 · 21/05/2023 00:33

UWhatNow · 21/05/2023 00:27

I think some of these posts are absolute sexist bullshit. YANBU op to want someone to find you attractive because of who you are, not how you look superficially. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate and resent attraction that is shallow. Perhaps others have a low bar?

Get a grip, already. Being, or not being, physically attracted to someone, for any reason, does not make anyone shallow. In most relationships, physical attraction plays a very large role, especially at the beginning.

Grumpy67i8 · 21/05/2023 00:35

I think you need to focus on your mental health first. The “diet” you are describing is actually quite disturbing and the way you talk about yourself and this poor man is not very nice. You have plenty of time to meet a suitable man but you won’t be making any good choices in men while you’re in this very unhealthy headspace.

Take some time off dating, focus on health and be kind to yourself.

LadyJ2023 · 21/05/2023 00:35

Mrsmillshorse · 20/05/2023 23:41

Have you ever looked into your childhood to unpick how you became "clinically depressed " ?

Have you heard anything about depression being a trauma response?

I was diagnosed with a bunch of issues, put on various drugs from 20s-30s. Turns out there was nothing wrong with me though, I just had the misfortune to have an abusive mother.

Power of Now was my starting point to unpick it all and claim my life for myself. Worth a shot

Not all depressions have anything whatsoever to do with any traumas actually. The majority are brain chemical imbalances and need to be helped, controlled with the right medications. If there not just like any other illnesses you will become very ill.
To the poster, if anyone in your situation came to our counciling sessions we would first highly recommend you had been to see a medical professional or Dr you clearly need some help with regard to several issues. Starving your body and then over filling with a weekend takeaway that in itself is not normal behaviour and in itself can cause alsorts of health issues including depressions.If your not already please get yourself help, until youve fixed yourself a relationship is neither healthy for you or the person you start it with right now.

MsCactus · 21/05/2023 01:04

I found this exact thing when I was heavily pregnant. I'm usually quite attractive and men I meet are extra nice to me - when I was v pregnant, swollen face/hands etc and out of breathe, all the niceness from random men stopped.

I found it quite annoying - now at five months pp I've slimmed down and men are back to being lovely to me again 🙄

thecatinthetwat · 21/05/2023 01:06

If you feel this way about the guy, you could try asking him about it /talking to him. He may surprise you. If not, end things.

Original poster
Perlosa · 21/05/2023 01:10

@BitOutOfPractice

I mean, your version of successful is to have a good figure? Really?

Your decision not to include the fact I described myself as intelligent isn't exactly fair (objectively true...went to one of if not the best grammar school in the country, LSE grad, first job was a Times Top 100 grad scheme etc). Anyway, the point I was trying to make was that despite outward appearances of "success", I consider my life a failed experiment.

OP posts:
Hairday · 21/05/2023 01:11

Try not to care how attractive you are to men! Remember, they have sex with goats when there are no women available. Their attraction to you is in no way a measure of your success as a human. I know, society is always grooming us to think it's the most important quality we have, but it's a slavish mentality. You are worth more.

Hairday · 21/05/2023 01:15

Eh, maybe I misread your post. Maybe this guy is shallow, maybe not. Hard to say. More important, do you think he is attractive?

Original poster
Perlosa · 21/05/2023 01:16

I did have an eating disorder during my A-Level and University. Obviously, continue to have an unhealthy relationship with food. In 2nd year, I once locked myself in my room and didn't eat for 11 days as I wanted to feel good in my bikini.

I did have a psychologist drop me as they felt my food issues contributed heavily to my GAD/depressive disorder.

Just sharing the above as I've spent the better part of a decade "working on myself". And have made absolutely no progress. I just want to get on with it now.

OP posts: