Resenting men for finding me attractive

[Perlosa]

I may be having some sort of identity issue. Just prefacing.

So, I've had clinical depression since my late teens. Has been managed with medication and psychological treatment. Just after Christmas I had a bit of a breakdown. There was something so terrifying about entering the year I turn 30 and not having achieved anything meaningful (to me).

On paper I am successful. Considered conventionally beautiful, good figure and intelligent.

Anyway, I gained a lot of weight at the beginning of the year and allowed mother nature to reclaim me. i have very thick, dark hair so it is very easy to impersonate a cave woman. I have long hair hair which is complimented often but only if it is styled daily, otherwise, I truly look like Hagrid.

I gave up caring about my appearance and it was clear that I was no longer a head turner. That in and of itself did not bother me.

It's just now that I have lost the weight (basically by starving myself) that I have issues. Men have started paying attention again. The man I am on the verge of starting a relationship with would not have looked twice at me several months ago. May have even made a nasty judgement. I almost hate him for it. For the superficiality, the fickleness. It's weak in my eyes. I just dont know what to do with these feelings.

AIBU?

Thanks for the kind messages. Sadly, I'll always be overly concerned with how others perceive me. Very exhausting.

More important, do you think he is attractive?

Yes, he did make a comment about my profile pic on WhatsApp which was thoughtless. It was very odd for me to share that I probably have body dysmorphia and he still chose to comment about me physically.

@Mrsmillshorse

I was physically abused as a child. Slippers, remotes, coat hangers were all commonly used.

There were also fairly cruel punishments from both parents which have scarred me emotionally. E.g. my father once spat on me and I remember my mother trying to shove a pair of soiled knickers (period) in my mouth. Have even worse memories which I just can't allow myself to think of. Its very hard because my brother often says things to the effect of "yeah, but we were bad kids". We really weren't.

My weight fluctuates enormously and I kind of understand what you mean. But, I also think that when I am at a weight I consider acceptable by my own standards, I give off a much more confident and approachable vibe. Plus, like you, my grooming is a lot better when I am not in a binging phase, and that in itself is surely more attractive. Am so sorry to read about your childhood, it must be very hard to form
a healthy balanced relationship for you, as it is me for different reasons. I hope you make progress with your therapy and that if you do try dating this acquaintance he turns out to be kind and good for you.

I'm the nicest way, I think you're too vulnerable for a relationship. You are starting to recognise red flags but you are confused about next steps.

A quality you need in a long term partner is kindness and its rarer to find than it should be. From what you've said I don't think this guy is exhibiting kindness.

There are a lot of men who unconsciously see women's value in their attractiveness (it's to do with their social status). These men will not help you raise a family except financially.

You are worthy of a happy, supportive relationship. You are more than your looks and job.

Gross isn't it, it's like you're not a person worthy of niceness if you have weight on you. The truth is these types of men see us as bits of fuckable meat and the niceness is a come on. Whereas women are nice because they just want to be nice.
I have 2/3 stone I vary between and the treatment I get varies massively. And the heavier weight is only size 14.

Huh? I don’t understand your OP at all. Are you attracted to this man? If he grew his hair like Hagrid and had the body of James Corden, would you still be attracted to him?

I mean this gently and kindly, but it sounds like you need to work on yourself before considering a relationship. It doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong but if you feel this way towards him because you're assuming it's how he feels then that's unfair on him and it won't end well.

Op this isn't about weight. You really need to get help for your trauma or I don't think you'll be able to have a iced full relationship with anybody.

@Perlosa the entirety of the thread has been about being judged by appearances - by yourself or others. So maybe the “and intelligent” aside I overlooked.

I agree with PPs that I think you need to to get to grips with your own issues around your appearance and self worth before you think about a relationship.

I really do wish you all the best. And hope you can find some peace with who you are.

Eating one meal week? I don't see how you could survive that