Are all 6/7/8 year old girls bossy?

[BossyChild]

DD is 8, Y4.

She’s struggled a lot since lockdown socially. School couldn’t really pinpoint what exactly was going on.

Just observing her play with some similar aged girls at a birthday party of her cousin (cousin is slightly younger, just 7 and at a different school) and she’s just bossing them about.

“You stay here”
“You need to do this”
“I’m going to do this while you do this ok?”

And other similar.

I’ve told her to stop being so bossy but she manages a few minutes and reverts back to bossy.

Is this normal at this age? She’s an only child so that might also be part of it

I'd rather my child was assertive than an unconfident, meek, follower.

If she's being too 'bossy' then she'll find out in due time as kids will avoid her, etc and she'll naturally learn to tone it down.

She just has a different personality to you. Let it develop and flourish.

This a million times over. Ban bossy

It’s not just more polite framing that’s the issue. It’s the children that have to be in charge and are generally ordering the other kids around. The other kids don’t get any say in the play at all.

If people think that’s ‘assertive’ and ‘leadership’, it explains a lot about the workplace tbh.

Very typical.

Not all children who are bossy are just assertive. No issue with assertiveness, it’s a good thing, but being unpleasant and not listening to others, taking overs when others are trying to speak up isn’t assertiveness and that’s what I’d describe as bossy. Not saying OPs child is like that but if she doesn’t have friends, it needs looking at. Some children are like that and my kids, would have avoided them as friends at that age, and have continued to do so as they have got older. They’re good with assertive people, one of them is very assertive, they both have good boundaries, but they understand the importance of listening and giving others a chance too.

Hope you get to the bottom of it OP and she settles into some nice friendships. She’s still so young, there’s lots to learn and it’s hard to get the right balance. You’re on it though and are talking to the school, so I think she’ll be fine.

My daughter wasn’t like that at 8 but I was! I remember playing schools with my easel blackboard and I was always the teacher, would tell all my friends to sit down and be quiet 😂. I’m surprised anyone ever wanted to come and play to be honest!

Yes. I would quite often be bossy. And the. Other children my own age would not want to play with me. I did not understand when it was ok to take the lead, and when to step back (not all children do). It had been ok when I was 4/5/6 and other children were like that, but at 7/8/9 I became increasingly socially isolated and did not understand why. Quelle surprise at an autism diagnosis in my 20s. Some children (boys and girls) don't automatically get the changing social cues as they go through primary school. I think OP has been very astute at spotting this.

Assertiveness is great, and a real positive. But not being able to tell when people do not want to take you lead/ realising that social dynamics are flexible can end up with you left on the outside.

One of my nieces is 6 in year one. She is not bossy if anything she's too much of a people pleaser and the whole family is trying to develop her confidence. I think it varies a lot at that age. As other girls in her class are very bossy and that's been an issue for her.

I do think being bossy is different from being assertive though too. One is about what you want and one is thinking you can control others.

I agree @Bargellobitch about the difference between bossy and assertive. Assertive is about you, it’s not trying to dictate what everyone else is doing.

Lots of children (of either sex!) struggle with finding the balance between asserting themselves and being controlling. Celebrating the girls ordering people around as ‘leaders’ isn’t that helpful to any of them, even if it feels like compensating for general sexism in society.

Some children manage to ‘lead’ play without telling the other kids what to do. Boys and girls - it’s not something one sex does more than the other. It’s very different from playground despotism, and isn’t really ‘assertiveness’ either. They just do their thing, other kids want to join in and they’re able to make room for that. I did some work with an outdoor play project a few years ago and it was interesting to see children like this in action.

Ohhh there is a clear difference between being assertive and bossy. Being bossy is not a great trait (for girls or boys) as they tend to struggle with friendship groups once friends are fed up with being told what to do, it's not fun for them.

I know bossy children of all different ages, it's a good thing to try and encourage kids not to be telling other what to do. Being assertive is a great thing that should be encouraged. The 2 are very different

There's a difference between assertive and bossy imo. To me, being assertive is being confident, forthright with your opinions and not letting others boss you around. Being bossy is ordering people around and telling them what to do, when you are in no position of authority over them. The latter is what the OP observed in her dd. Boys and girls can both be bossy. It's a pretty common trait, and they usually get over it when they realises it's making them a bit less popular!

DS6 is exactly like this. We talk about taking turns, it's only a fun game if everyone is enjoying it, etc. He gets upset when kids don't want to be told what to do. But, I think he will eventually learn to play in a more sophisticated way in his own time.

The sch said they are seeing more socialisation issues than usual, a significant number of children affected. DS year group has had stringent playtime measures in place due to repetitive incidents. Each year group has been affected slightly differently from lockdowns and the long term effects will become known as they move up the year groups. I would definitely assign DS as highly affected, he went from 4 days pre school to zero kids to play with for nearly a year.