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Original poster

Are all 6/7/8 year old girls bossy?

62 replies

BossyChild · 20/05/2023 14:56

DD is 8, Y4.

She’s struggled a lot since lockdown socially. School couldn’t really pinpoint what exactly was going on.

Just observing her play with some similar aged girls at a birthday party of her cousin (cousin is slightly younger, just 7 and at a different school) and she’s just bossing them about.

“You stay here”
“You need to do this”
“I’m going to do this while you do this ok?”

And other similar.

I’ve told her to stop being so bossy but she manages a few minutes and reverts back to bossy.

Is this normal at this age? She’s an only child so that might also be part of it

OP posts:
UWhatNow · 20/05/2023 15:55

I hate the word bossy for girls but it is quite useful and universally understood so I would equally apply it to bossy boys.

I think bossy children - both boys and girls - should be encouraged and celebrated for their leadership and organisational abilities but reminded of other skills and qualities like kindness, forgiveness and empathy.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 20/05/2023 15:55

Maybe lockdown affected other children so they aren't comfortable saying 'you aren't the boss of me' and are using avoidance to get around dealing with your DD.

Is it imaginary play where this is showing up? I used to come up with all kinds of stories and kind of swamp my friends with my ideas. Not fun for them at all.

Xmasbaby11 · 20/05/2023 15:56

Plenty of girls are bossy at that age. My dad are 9 and 11 and I’ve seen it a lot with their friends, esp my 9yo. I think they do need feedback and guidance to listen to others and not immediately take charge and tell others what to do.

SquidwardBound · 20/05/2023 15:57

Liorae · 20/05/2023 15:54

Jerk? That's what I would think, male or female.

Show quote history

i certainly wouldn’t be praising a boy just ordering everyone else around and not letting them have any say in the direction of play for his ‘leadership’. I’d tell him that he’s not in charge if everyone else and he needs to stop ordering people around.

ConsuelaHammock · 20/05/2023 15:57

Some children can be bossy and it does become an issue if their friends don’t like it and leave them out because of it. A chat about how to be a good friend might be an idea . You cant have good friends if you’re not a good friend yourself

SpringBunnies · 20/05/2023 15:58

It’s her personality. I wish mine is as assertive as yours. It’s a very good trait. She will learn in time how to take turns and work as a group. For the time being, she saw she could be a leader in that group and took the lead.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 20/05/2023 15:58

Y4 has been an interesting year to observe as a parent. Up till now they have all been friends with everyone, class parties, mixed groups on the playground, playing what they want with who ever is playing it rather than sticking with their 'group'. This year they've been trying to form smaller groups of friends but very clumsily, because they're still learning about this stuff. So there have been squabbles and callings out 'I won't be your friend if you don't......'

Long car rides work well with my DD for chats about how friendships are playing out, what she could do differently, who is maybe better friends with other people and should be allowed to have their space to make that choice.

Freefall212 · 20/05/2023 16:00

In boys it is called controlling. Controlling (boys) and bossy (girls) are different from assertive and being a leader.

LynetteScavo · 20/05/2023 16:01

Well, she's certainly being assertive, but she's not being a leader as other children are removing themselves from playing with her. A boy who continually told others what to do might be considered controlling.

If your DDs assertive way of playing is not working out well for her, then she needs to be shown how to give and take, accept others ideas and sometimes do what the other children want to do. You could leave her to figure it out for herself, but it might take years and be really tough for her, so helping her learn to give and take, and to share ideas, rather than just telling her not to be bossy is the way forward.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/05/2023 16:02

Can you get your dd involved in after school activities, where she can practice social skills? Brownies, dancing or whatever she likes.

My dd was like this but at a younger age. Some of it was a confidence issue. Activities helped a lot as they were doing stuff and being directed, which encouraged cooperation and the regulation contact with other children increased her confidence.

There is a difference between being bossy and being assertive. My dd was being the former.

LaMaG · 20/05/2023 16:04

JulieHoney · 20/05/2023 15:12

Confident, assertive, commanding, authoritative, in firm control etc etc.

Not bossy. Bossy in a gendered insult.

This is so true, about the gendered element I mean. Funny I never thought of it before.

Lcb123 · 20/05/2023 16:07

But how would you perceive that behaviour in a male child? I bet you wouldn’t call them bossy, but assertive.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/05/2023 16:09

Lcb123 · 20/05/2023 16:07

But how would you perceive that behaviour in a male child? I bet you wouldn’t call them bossy, but assertive.

Bossy.

Freefall212 · 20/05/2023 16:09

Lcb123 · 20/05/2023 16:07

But how would you perceive that behaviour in a male child? I bet you wouldn’t call them bossy, but assertive.

You would call it controlling. Ordering people around and telling them what to do is called controlling in boys.

Freefall212 · 20/05/2023 16:11

Read threads on here. No one is referring to men who order others around and tell them what to do as confident or assertive or as leaders. That is a weird trope to perpetuate. They are called controlling or abusive or assholes.

powerrangers · 20/05/2023 16:48

Well clearly all girls her age are not bossy as she was bidding the others about

Shadyladyo · 21/05/2023 12:04

Gendered insult. Like feisty

Sheisthedarkness · 21/05/2023 12:15

I think of feisty as being used more as a compliment?

I don’t think of bossy as a gendered insult - especially when talking of small children. Both boys and girls can be described bossy. And I have certainly told my son off when he was younger for being ‘bossy’. I don’t agree bossy is the same as assertive.

Sheisthedarkness · 21/05/2023 12:19

(And now that he’s a bit older I would still call him bossy if he was being bossy.)

NotAHouse · 21/05/2023 12:23

I know you're getting a pasting here, but I have similar concerns of my DD and her classmates. Her teacher has said all the girls in her class have "a strong personality" and they all seem to be falling out with one another as they are all very assertive in what they want to do / play / etc. I wonder if it's typical for their age or if it's a covid era thing.

RedHelenB · 21/05/2023 12:26

BossyChild · 20/05/2023 15:03

Thank you everyone, fair enough on the bossy comment @SeasonFinale it's great she's assertive of course

I'd call those situations bossy not assertive. Whether it was a male or female.

Pinkywoo · 21/05/2023 12:36

Freefall212 · 20/05/2023 16:09

You would call it controlling. Ordering people around and telling them what to do is called controlling in boys.

Show quote history

No I would call it bossy, I quite often tell DS1 to stop bossing people around.

SmurfHaribos · 21/05/2023 12:42

Only those whose parents don’t teach them to think about other’s feelings.
I am a TA and see it a lot. Parents want their child to be “strong, a leader, dominant, the alpha” which is all well and good, but they seem to see it as weakness to get their child to think of other’s feelings and consider what others might like to do and enjoy. These children aren’t popular with their classmates or adults at the school.

SmurfHaribos · 21/05/2023 12:43

Bossy is not gendered!

StaringAtTheWater · 21/05/2023 12:51

A lot of what we think of as 'bossy' in children is just blunt framing rather than true 'controlling'

E.g. In imaginative play 'You be X. I will be Y' sounds a bit bossy, versus 'How about you be X and I be Y? Let me know if you want to swap in a bit'

Perhaps you can suggest to her how she can phrase things more politely? There's no need for her to stop making suggestions or putting forward her ideas.