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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at how I was treated

33 replies

dontknowwhybutitsbad · 20/05/2023 09:45

Work in a large company. Very busy with a lot of work.

sent an email yesterday saying

”Hi Mary

”name of document” for approval

Thanks
Anne”

5 min My boss takes me into a room and gives
me a dressing down about the email and how it’s really rude, what was I thinking sending an email like that, I look like I have a problem with Mary.

I was a bit bewildered tbh. I said to him that I stand by the email being ok. It’s short but I don’t see a problem with it. He was furious and wanted it recalled and changed to his wording. For an easy life, I changed it then he sent a message saying “actually don’t change it” by which point I’d done the recall and change.

the irony is that I got an email from Mary and all it said was “approved”

I just feel so taken aback with how I was spoken to. I do find him strange at times - quite controlling and just a bit odd.

any suggestions on how I deal with this - I’ve felt rotten all last night and today I still feel really nervous.

i feel like I can’t let it lie.

OP posts:
Original poster
dontknowwhybutitsbad · 20/05/2023 09:45

By the way the names used aren’t the real ones

OP posts:
Itsanotherhreatday · 20/05/2023 09:47

had similar last week.

First you can’t change him, second ask him to put his request in writing - with fuel examples of how he would like the emails.

Always bat it back.

OhComeOnFFS · 20/05/2023 09:47

So had he just come across the email or had a complaint been made?

Your email was fine as long as you're friendly with Mary. I think if there was some antagonism between you it might be different.

Original poster
dontknowwhybutitsbad · 20/05/2023 09:49

@OhComeOnFFS no complaint. He just didn’t like the email. He wanted it to be more flowery language.

I send the same email every month and yesterday I was stowed out with work and just sent the email quickly. The lady who received it wouldn’t care tbh.

OP posts:
oishidesne · 20/05/2023 09:51

Start looking for another job as your manager seems like a dick

AlizeeEasy · 20/05/2023 09:52

I receive emails like yours. Wouldn’t bother me. I get worse emails where they don’t even bother to put any salutation or thanks, I usually just eye roll at that and move on with my day. Your boss sounds awful and I would not be ok with working under someone like that

Daffidale · 20/05/2023 09:52

Assuming Mary was expecting the document and it’s her routine job to approve it the email was fine. Indeed many people would be grateful to get such a short and concise email. Given Mary sent you a one word reply herself I’m guessing she’s one of them.

exception as others have said would be if you have a strained relationship with Mary or there’s been issues over this particular approval in which case you might abbé wanted to soften it a bit or give more context.

Boss is being unreasonable. And given he tried to rapidly withdraw his request for you to recall and rewrite I suspect he knows it or someone else has pointed it out to him.

catgirl1976 · 20/05/2023 09:52

Things like this make me a bit malicious compliance-y. I’d be sending him huge emails going into minute details and rambling on for pages.

but then I’d probably get sacked so don’t listen to me.

bluebeck · 20/05/2023 09:57

How did he know? Was he copied in? Was this different from how you would normally word the email?

Is he shagging Mary?

It all sounds bizarre, there’s nothing wrong with your email as far as I can see.

I might speak with Mary about it off the record but maybe just start looking for another job?

Deathbyfluffy · 20/05/2023 09:59

catgirl1976 · 20/05/2023 09:52

Things like this make me a bit malicious compliance-y. I’d be sending him huge emails going into minute details and rambling on for pages.

but then I’d probably get sacked so don’t listen to me.

This! Whenever I got a roasting for something silly I’d go out of my way to do my job while completely over-doing whatever I was unfairly chastised for.

Great fun 😆

Banksyboo · 20/05/2023 10:00

That's ridiculous - does he usually micromanage you to this scale? I couldn't cope with that. I would show him her response and just ask him he feels Mary is being rude. What an absolute plonker - kicking up a fuss over nothing!

Camillasfagwrinkles · 20/05/2023 10:06

I don't see a problem with the email you sent at all.

JMSA · 20/05/2023 10:07

Your email was fine!
Sorry if I've missed something, but how did your boss know about it?

Original poster
dontknowwhybutitsbad · 20/05/2023 10:10

So I suppose Mary is a bit of a difficult character at times. I get on well enough with her even though She’s been difficult with me in the past but tbh it’s work and these people aren’t my pals so I don’t give it much thought.

I sent the email quickly to get it done and was maybe email 20 in a line of 35 I had to get done that day.

it just felt like being hauled into a room was massively over reacting and the getting me to change it then decide it didn’t need changed was like a weird power play.

yep he’s a micro manager.

sends emails about dress codes we need to abide by even though there isn’t a dress code 🤔

OP posts:
Original poster
dontknowwhybutitsbad · 20/05/2023 10:12

I think what annoys me more is that I am super nice and helpful in work and everyone knows it.

I plaster a smile on even when I can’t be fucked because it’s better than looking miserable.

to be spoken to like a piece of shit over an simple approval email has really rattled me

OP posts:
CharlottenBurger · 20/05/2023 10:13

I used to work for a large legal organisation and we had a lot of communication with Crown and County court judges. We took on an agency temp, nice young woman, and one day a senior judge complained to the office manager (me) that the temp had started an email 'Hi Judge', and ended it 'Best wishes, Mary' with 'Mary Smith (new line) Big legal office' under that. This (male) judge felt this was too informal. I took her in a room and explained that some, mainly older judges thought that 'court etiquette' applied everywhere, not just in the court, (it doesn't) and maybe, for the sake of a quiet life all round, she should play safe and start 'Dear Judge Jones' and end 'Best regards' and her first and last name. She started doing this. After a couple of days I started getting phone calls from other judges saying 'Have I upset Mary? She's gone all formal on me'. She stayed about 6 months and then got a job in hospitality where she has done very well. So maybe look for a better job where you will be appreciated?

Original poster
dontknowwhybutitsbad · 20/05/2023 10:21

@CharlottenBurger mary sounds like a keeper!

I don’t know why I’m so upset about this. Well I do. I’ve worked my arse off in this job and this guy is an utter twat.

OP posts:
Annonymiss123 · 20/05/2023 10:27

Was he copied on the email? If not, how did he see it.

I recently left a job I’d done extremely well for 14 years - couldn’t take the ridiculous micro managing by a newish manager.

Livelovebehappy · 20/05/2023 10:32

I'm guessing theres a back story to this, and that your email sounds curt to what you usually put in the email to Mary. Have you had issues with each other recently?

Original poster
dontknowwhybutitsbad · 20/05/2023 10:37

Sorry he was copied in.

@Livelovebehappy mary can be difficult although I generally get on with her. She takes exception to a lot of people around the office but tbh I generally always keep on her good side.

she’s given me a hard time about various work related things in the past but it’s never been personal so tbh I’ve always been decent with her and I do email her for things and speak to her on teams from time to time.

id emailed her 20 min before I sent the email in question asking her something else.

it’s more my boss’ reaction to go off his rocker about something that is pretty insignificant. Especially when her response is a one word answer

OP posts:
NeedToChangeName · 20/05/2023 10:49

I think your email was rather abrupt

"Please could you approve this?" would be a little more polite / warm

TeaAndCock · 20/05/2023 10:54

Yanbu and you need to give your boss some feedback on his management style, I'd tell him on Monday that you didn't appreciate him micromanaging like that, that's how he would write the email which is irrelevant as you wrote it your way and there's absolutely nothing wrong with your email - it has the pleasantries of hi and thanks. I've been pulled up for being too abrupt in emails similar to yours but I won't change something where there's nothing wrong. We don't need a cursory hope you are well etc just for the fucking sake of it.

EmptyBedBlues · 20/05/2023 11:02

It would be considered abrupt to the point of rudeness at my workplace, but presumably you know what’s normal for yours.

ChildcarePanic · 20/05/2023 11:05

I often send emails with literally just an 'FYI. ta' and get similar back. We all get on amazingly though and have team meetings and catch ups through the week so we know how we all feel about each other/how much we have on. If it was someone I wasn't very close with I might expect a slightly nicer email.

Sererus · 20/05/2023 11:09

I don't see a problem with what you wrote, especially given the context.
What I really don't like is

"Hi Sererus,

I hope you're well!

I wondered if I could ask you to do me a favour - would you be able to approve this document if you have the time?

...etc."

Replying to the fluff (they don't care if I'm having the best or worst day of my life let's be honest 😂) just takes more time and seems a bit fake.