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Original poster

DH leaves the house without saying goodbye

90 replies

nogoodbye1 · 20/05/2023 08:42

I've NC as I am embarrassed that this bothers me so much.

Basically DH sometimes leaves for work without saying good bye in the morning and it upsets me. Not in floods of tears or anything just like 'oh fine bye to you too'

He will say he thought we were asleep and didn't want to wake us. But baby DS was winging/ chatting in his cot. I was awake in our bedroom. By the time I heard him getting in his car I was up battling with a wiggly DS who was screaming that he didn't want his nappy changed.

I wouldn't want him to wake us but if he had a quick check to see by opening the kitchen door it'd be nice!

I've phoned him before to say why didn't he say good bye and he knows it bothers me.

OP posts:
Xrays · 20/05/2023 12:16

I’m sorry to hear about what happened with your Dad.

I’m with you - I think it’s really rude to not say hello / goodbye when you come in or out. When my dh moved in with us we realised he’s the type to not shout out hey / hello when he comes in and I (and dd who was 5 at the time) really hated it as that’s what we’ve always done and it felt so rude! Over the years we’ve now managed to change him 😆 - been together 15 years now and he’s turned into one of us!

Unicorn2022 · 20/05/2023 12:22

I agree with you OP - it's rude. It would also anger me that he can't even be bothered to see if his baby is awake and spend a few minutes with him before leaving for the day.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 20/05/2023 12:23

DP leaves often in the morning without telling me. I'm usually still in bed (although awake) so she'd have to trek back upstairs in order to say it, which I'd see as a waste of time.

If she died, I'm sure there'd be a hell of a lot else I'd be upset about rather than whether we'd said goodbye to each other.

I do think both sides of this are valid, and I think that given your experience with your Dad @nogoodbye1 , you probably place more importance on this than maybe 99.9% of other people would.

I'd explain to him exactly why this is so important to you, linking it to your father's death. This isn't important to your husband, but if you can explain why it's important to you, then if he's a good husband it'll become important to him too.

Eliza121 · 20/05/2023 12:27

I absolutely hate this. It takes 2 seconds to say you're leaving, I've been very vocal to my DH about it as he does it often,

TheMoops · 20/05/2023 12:34

We're not needy in that respect.

It's not needy to expect your partner to show some respect and basic manners towards you

Onomatopoeia4 · 20/05/2023 12:51

I always shout to my husband when he leaves the house "drive safely", as his job involves a lot of driving.

I also give him a kiss before he leaves if I have time.

Whichwhatnow · 20/05/2023 12:55

My DH does this and it really irritates me, he also comes home and goes straight to the living room to stick on the TV without coming to see me sometimes (although has been better at not doing this recently after some very firm words were had!). It's particularly annoying because I work from home in our bedroom, which he passes on his way in/out of the flat, and work longer hours than him so am always at my desk when he leaves or arrives. It would literally cost him nothing to pop his head in and say hi/bye and give me a quick kiss!

I am very secure in our relationship and know he adores me but I still find it rude! He does try but it genuinely just doesn't occur to him I think. Apparently his parents never said hi or bye to each other (despite a very long, happy marriage) whereas mine always did so I think it really often is just whatever was the norm when you're a kid.

SirenSays · 20/05/2023 12:56

This would bother me I think it's bad manners. We kiss hello, kiss goodbye and kiss goodnight. I wouldn't want anything less.

Prettylittleroses · 20/05/2023 13:00

we also say bye, it’s common manners. I find just walking out without a word quite odd. I guess folks only know if their partner or kid has left by the sound of the door closing,

Original poster
nogoodbye1 · 20/05/2023 13:00

We live in a bungalow so no stairs to trek. Most mornings I do say good bye in the kitchen with a kiss 'I love you' and 'see you later'.

I have told him I don't like it so he said he will check in future if we are awake.

It's a fairly even split so I'm glad I'm not alone on this

OP posts:
Polis · 20/05/2023 13:00

We're not needy in that respect.

We aren’t needy for “respect”.

Oysterbabe · 20/05/2023 13:03

I think it's really rude too. We always kiss goodbye before leaving for the day, the kids too.

Furrybutts · 20/05/2023 13:15

People have complained about me doing this all my adult life. I honestly never remember to do it.
I grew up in a house where we didn't do it.

I understand why people find it upsetting though.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 20/05/2023 13:34

DustyLee123 · 20/05/2023 08:54

Why does he need to say bye, you know when he’s going !

Really? A husband saying goodbye to his wife before leaving for the day is now wrong? Proof majority of the so called marriages on mumsnet are just roommates breeding children.

Polis · 20/05/2023 15:14

Really? A husband saying goodbye to his wife before leaving for the day is now wrong?

I don’t think anyone is saying it’s wrong, just that it isn’t always necessary, or even a reliable indicator of a stable loving relationship.

CharlottenBurger · 20/05/2023 15:18

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 20/05/2023 13:34

Really? A husband saying goodbye to his wife before leaving for the day is now wrong? Proof majority of the so called marriages on mumsnet are just roommates breeding children.

Show quote history

That's how it seems to me. What happened to affection?

L1ttledrummergirl · 20/05/2023 16:35

Dh left for work before 6am this morning. I didn't need to be awake until 745. Last night I kissed him goodnight and said see you when you get home tomorrow. Then kissed him to say hello when he got home.

I'd still not have been impressed if he'd woken me to say goodbye this morning.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 20/05/2023 17:05

That's how it seems to me. What happened to affection?

Why do you think the only way to show affection is to kiss someone goodbye when they go to work everyday?

GeraltsBathtub · 20/05/2023 17:12

YANBU OP, this would make me sad too. Even if I am asleep DP comes and gently kisses my forehead goodbye.

PuppyMonkey · 20/05/2023 17:40

I think it’s very ignorant and rude. Fair enough if he leaves at 3am but a quick shout “byeee!” is all he needs to do, doesn’t have to come in for your official permission to leave the premises or get his papers signed or anything. Grin

Prettylittleroses · 20/05/2023 17:41

Polis · 20/05/2023 13:00

We're not needy in that respect.

We aren’t needy for “respect”.

I’m quite surprised someone said it was needy to want to say bye to each other befor leaving the house. It’s different if it’s early or you’re asleep but to routinely have partner or kids leave without saying bye , just silently leave the house for me is quite sad. Its not something I’d teach my children,

It’s the sort of thing id expect in a house share, where strangers are just sharing a house, not a life, it’s not something id expect in a family home, so you live and learn.

but then I also wasn’t aware folks routinely didn’t answer their doors, don’t let their kids into their bedrooms, hide chocolate in their rooms , fight about food portions , report their neighbours rather than talk to them, and all manner of other things I’ve learned from mumsnet 😂

sandyhappypeople · 20/05/2023 18:20

nogoodbye1 · 20/05/2023 13:00

We live in a bungalow so no stairs to trek. Most mornings I do say good bye in the kitchen with a kiss 'I love you' and 'see you later'.

I have told him I don't like it so he said he will check in future if we are awake.

It's a fairly even split so I'm glad I'm not alone on this

We always say goodbye and hello, my DH wakes me up at 4:30 when he’s on an early shift to say goodbye and have a kiss and cuddle. I always find him and DD in the house to say goodbye when I leave, and the dogs too!

maybe it’s a superstitious habit at this point!

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 20/05/2023 19:04

CharlottenBurger · 20/05/2023 15:18

That's how it seems to me. What happened to affection?

Show quote history

I see some weird posts on mumsnet, one where her husband was crying outside and refused to tell her why and some posters actually told her off that her husband doesn’t have to tell her why he was crying.

I see posts about wives should not have to know their husbands fiancés etc and just makes me wonder if people truly know what a partnership in marriage means.

CharlottenBurger · 20/05/2023 19:12

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 20/05/2023 19:04

I see some weird posts on mumsnet, one where her husband was crying outside and refused to tell her why and some posters actually told her off that her husband doesn’t have to tell her why he was crying.

I see posts about wives should not have to know their husbands fiancés etc and just makes me wonder if people truly know what a partnership in marriage means.

Show quote history

I see so many posts saying e.g. 'my husband hits me for being 30 seconds late meeting him - is this normal? Maybe it's my fault for answering him back last week' etc, and I have to remember that, in a way, any web medium attracts outliers and people with problems disproportionately (like product reviews on Amazon). And weird comments in response too.

Jux · 20/05/2023 19:12

DH is known to say goodbye up to half a dozen times before he actually leaves. Each time, we have to stop what we're doing and saying, anything we're attending to or concentrating on, to wish him farewell and hope whatever goes well/he enjoys it or something. It's incredibly annoying. When we first married I found it puzzling,but treated it as I would have treated it from anyone else "oh! Thought you'd gone/not gone yet?/yeah cheers/just go fhs!" with varying degrees of humour. Didn't make a blind bit of difference. It's still like he's saying "hey every body, STOP EVERYTHING IMMEDIATELY, your Lord and Master is leaving the home to perform incredibly arduous and dangerous feats, bid him fitting farewells" 🤣

I may tell him that, actually. It might just work, but he's over pension age now so I'm not really full of hope.