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Original poster

DH leaves the house without saying goodbye

90 replies

nogoodbye1 · 20/05/2023 08:42

I've NC as I am embarrassed that this bothers me so much.

Basically DH sometimes leaves for work without saying good bye in the morning and it upsets me. Not in floods of tears or anything just like 'oh fine bye to you too'

He will say he thought we were asleep and didn't want to wake us. But baby DS was winging/ chatting in his cot. I was awake in our bedroom. By the time I heard him getting in his car I was up battling with a wiggly DS who was screaming that he didn't want his nappy changed.

I wouldn't want him to wake us but if he had a quick check to see by opening the kitchen door it'd be nice!

I've phoned him before to say why didn't he say good bye and he knows it bothers me.

OP posts:
luckylavender · 20/05/2023 10:42

Wouldn't bother me. We're not needy in that respect.

CharlottenBurger · 20/05/2023 10:43

WhereMyRosemaryGoes · 20/05/2023 08:55

I think some families are 'announce your departure' families, and some families are 'leave without fanfare' families. Sounds like you and DH are a mismatch.

We have a ritual in our house (just DP and I live there) - neither can go out unless there has been a 'hug and cuddle' and the outgoing person told sternly to 'be careful', and them promising to do that. The hug/cuddle remains in force for the rest the day, no need to repeat. Just basic warmth, kindness, and do-as-you-would-be-done-by.

luckylavender · 20/05/2023 10:44

@CharlottenBurger - good job we're all different. That would drive me round the bend.

daisychain01 · 20/05/2023 10:52

nogoodbye1 · 20/05/2023 09:13

Exactly!

Yes I am lucky if this is the only thing bothering me in life right now.

My family don't do anything quietly and we always always kissed mum before getting out of the car at school. I didn't one day when I was about 7 and was so worried all day and gave her the biggest apology and kiss at collection time.

Show quote history

That "what if..." happened to me. I am forever grateful that the last words my DH1 and I exchanged were I love You. He died very suddenly and with no warning .

The trouble is you'll never convince someone who it's never happened to and who's never personally lost someone with zero warning.. it's the luck of the draw or the converse in my case, so I know it can happen but the chances are 1 in a million.

The only thing you can do @nogoodbye1 is have a conversation with your DH when it's quiet and he's not rushing out the door. Pick your time and tell him how much it saddens you and can he please think about how it makes you feel. The message may get through with any luck

EmmaEmerald · 20/05/2023 10:55

OP "My family don't do anything quietly"

ah. Is it possible he's trying to avoid noise and palaver by slipping out?

CharlottenBurger · 20/05/2023 10:55

luckylavender · 20/05/2023 10:44

@CharlottenBurger - good job we're all different. That would drive me round the bend.

Neither of us would get on well with a cold person.

EmmaEmerald · 20/05/2023 10:57

luckylavender · 20/05/2023 10:44

@CharlottenBurger - good job we're all different. That would drive me round the bend.

Me too and no one would ever describe me as cold.

when someone you love dies in shocking circumstances - well, my experience is that sort of thing wouldn't enter your head, you're too busy dealing with the devastation and fucking massive hole in your life.

Luredbyapomegranate · 20/05/2023 10:59

derekthe1adyhamster · 20/05/2023 08:52

I'm terrible at leaning without saying goodbye! If my DH leaves first, he always gives me a kiss before leaving. Me I just leave. I'm too focused on the day by the time I leave. Sorry DH

Yeah me too.

If it REALLY bothers you discuss it, but if he has other strong qualities let it go. It ads a little shot of stress to my day not to just be able to focus forward first thing, so I prefer people let me crack on unless they really hate it.

AnnWithoutAnnie · 20/05/2023 10:59

DustyLee123 · 20/05/2023 08:54

Why does he need to say bye, you know when he’s going !

Because it's nice, because it's good manners, because the wants him to...

@nogoodbye1 just tell him you don't care if it wakes you up or not, but that you want to connect with him before he leaves.

In the real world it's perfectly normal to say good bye to your wife before going to work.

Luredbyapomegranate · 20/05/2023 11:03

My family don't do anything quietly and we always always kissed mum before getting out of the car at school. I didn't one day when I was about 7 and was so worried all day and gave her the biggest apology and kiss at collection time.

There’s quite a lot of anxiety and neediness in the fact you are still carrying this, and that you’ve rung him to ask him why he didn’t say goodbye (which is a really passive aggressive thing to do.)

We are all different, and it’s good to express your needs, but his are also valid, and you may have to compromise.

Nothingisblackandwhite · 20/05/2023 11:05

That would bother me too , on fact even if we are asleep Hi by always kisses em and says I love you , see you later

Original poster
nogoodbye1 · 20/05/2023 11:12

JudgeRudy · 20/05/2023 10:39

What?! How is that relavent?

Show quote history

Because some time will be the last time you say good bye. With my dad I was 18 it was summer and I lied. I said I had a shift at work so that I could skip out of the house without being asked to do anything. I went off with friends for the day.

When I got home he had died. A massive heart attack and just gone. I have always felt so guilty that I lied that day.

I told DH I would like him to check if we are awake. If he had opened the kitchen door and not even gone down the corridor he would have heard us. Insignificant to other, but important to me. It will only take him 30 seconds so he said he will check in.

He works for himself as well. His work shed is about a 3 minute drive from our house.

OP posts:
Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivf · 20/05/2023 11:22

I don't understand the responses saying, "You know where he's going!"

What has that got to do with anything? In our house, if you're leaving, you say bye. Regardless of where you're going and how long you'll be gone. It's basic manners and respect!!

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 20/05/2023 11:34

In the real world it's perfectly normal to say good bye to your wife before going to work.

It's also perfectly normal not to say goodbye, judging by the responses.

DH leaves me sleeping every morning. I would be distinctly unimpressed if he woke up to say goodbye Grin

AMuser · 20/05/2023 11:35

nogoodbye1 · 20/05/2023 09:13

Exactly!

Yes I am lucky if this is the only thing bothering me in life right now.

My family don't do anything quietly and we always always kissed mum before getting out of the car at school. I didn't one day when I was about 7 and was so worried all day and gave her the biggest apology and kiss at collection time.

Show quote history

Bless you

Polis · 20/05/2023 11:36

It wouldn’t bother me. I do it myself.

mulberrybag · 20/05/2023 11:37

With your latest update I think you have a very valid reason for this being a personal 'need' and highly important to you.
Could you explain to your DH why it is so important to you and that you feel it's a non-negotiable for him to say bye to you before leaving ? I imagine there's a fair bit of past pain mixed up in this and why it's painful for you - my apologies if I've got this wrong though Flowers

ssd · 20/05/2023 11:40

Dh does this , so does ds1. They are very like. Ds2 is like me and wouldn't dream of doing it.

Different strokes for different folks.

Its not rude, its just them. I try not to see it as rude though!!

handydandynotebook · 20/05/2023 11:56

nogoodbye1 · 20/05/2023 11:12

Because some time will be the last time you say good bye. With my dad I was 18 it was summer and I lied. I said I had a shift at work so that I could skip out of the house without being asked to do anything. I went off with friends for the day.

When I got home he had died. A massive heart attack and just gone. I have always felt so guilty that I lied that day.

I told DH I would like him to check if we are awake. If he had opened the kitchen door and not even gone down the corridor he would have heard us. Insignificant to other, but important to me. It will only take him 30 seconds so he said he will check in.

He works for himself as well. His work shed is about a 3 minute drive from our house.

Show quote history

Yes something similar is why I always say bye and leave the house on good terms x

melj1213 · 20/05/2023 11:57

In my family we don't announce our exit as default but whether we tell the other people we are leaving depends on a lot of context.

If it's first thing in the morning and people are sleeping or still in bed, you say nothing as they presumably know you'll be leaving early for work.

If it's first thing in the morning and people are still in bed but you know they're awake then you might call "Bye, I'm off to work!" from the door but not make a big performance about going back to the bedroom to tell them personally.

If it's during the day and everyone is in communal areas then they usually see you getting ready to go out anyway (wearing work clothes/grabbing a lunch bag/looking for keys etc) and then as you leave you just say "Right, I'm off to work, I'll see you tonight" but that's more out of courtesy rather than just physically walking past them to leave without a word.

If they're elsewhere in the house you might call out "I'm off, See you later!" but more so they know when they hear the door open it's because you're going out not because someone is letting themselves in.

The only time I'd go and search someone out is if I had a message to pass on (eg "I'm off to work, I've fed the cats but there's only a couple of pouches left so I'll pick up some more after work" or "I'm off to work but just got an email from the school saying DDs after-school activity is cancelled as the staff member is sick ... Can you pick her up because I don't think I can get out of work early?") or if they're somewhere out of earshot of the door eg in the bathroom/out in the garden/in the garage etc and that's mostly for security as they wouldn't hear if someone came in so it would be mostly to say "I'm leaving for work in a minute, do you want me to lock up when I leave?"

handydandynotebook · 20/05/2023 11:57

JudgeRudy · 20/05/2023 10:39

What?! How is that relavent?

Show quote history

I'm glad for you that you don't see how it's relevant

Ladykryptonite · 20/05/2023 11:59

Hadenough2023 - that was a helpful response, if posters only complained about matters that you consider to have sufficient gravitas, then mumsnet would die a quiet death

gamerchick · 20/05/2023 12:00

If everyone was in bed I don't think to say bye before work given I start super early. If people are up downstairs then I do. Just wouldn't cross my mind. My kid would be less than impressed.

JudgeRudy · 20/05/2023 12:10

nogoodbye1 · 20/05/2023 11:12

Because some time will be the last time you say good bye. With my dad I was 18 it was summer and I lied. I said I had a shift at work so that I could skip out of the house without being asked to do anything. I went off with friends for the day.

When I got home he had died. A massive heart attack and just gone. I have always felt so guilty that I lied that day.

I told DH I would like him to check if we are awake. If he had opened the kitchen door and not even gone down the corridor he would have heard us. Insignificant to other, but important to me. It will only take him 30 seconds so he said he will check in.

He works for himself as well. His work shed is about a 3 minute drive from our house.

Show quote history

But what you're saying is don't let the last thing you say be a bad thing, in your case a lie. That's not the same.
If she wants to say goodbye to her OH then come downstairs and do so. Maybe a kiss at front door.

JustKeepSlimming · 20/05/2023 12:15

I have the opposite issue, where DH comes home and doesn't say/shout hello! Anyone else I've lived with always at least said "Hi, I'm back!" and stuck their head round the door, or yelled it as they ran upstairs, but DH just comes in and does whatever he does for ages before coming in to say hello. Can't say it's the worst problem ever, but I find it a bit weird, so I'm with you OP!