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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let them call him dad?

43 replies

sksiisifjelo · 19/05/2023 22:09

I have NC’d and made this vague so it’s not too outing, apologies. Also typed this three times and accidentally clicked off each time so this is the exasperated post.

I have 2 DC under 10. I have a chronic health condition so I’m a stay at home parent/wife (nearly). DP is not their father. DP earns enough for me to not have to work (not a boast, I’ve been maxed out of my overdraft before and it’s just comfortable, not in any way rich). My DP and I are getting married at the end of the year and DP asked me about the idea of the DC having the option to call him dad once we’re married. DP reads them bedtime stories, takes them places, pays for everything for them (I guess we both do as our income is shared but realistically, he actually earns the money). He loves them very much and they love him too. Their father has them 2/4 or 3/5 weekends, which he does turn up to but doesn’t have a job because he can’t be bothered, he lives with his parents and just does nothing but somehow has holidays. Anyway, he doesn’t pay maintenance, he doesn’t provide for them, very rarely takes them places, doesn’t do much with them at all, but they love him dearly (which I understand of course). I’ve given him every opportunity to step up but he refuses. I never say anything bad about him to them. The younger DC heavily hints that they want to call DP dad, I’m unsure that the older one would want to, which is totally fine, it’s about giving them the option to with no pressure at all, especially as we know one of them wants to. We are concerned that their dad will tell them off if they do refer to my partner as dad in front of him- they would still call their biological dad dad too, to be clear, but I worry that he will be very cross with them when I’m not there if he hears them call him dad. WIBU to give them the option to once we’re married, considering we know at least one wants to, or is it opening up something that will make their lives harder?

OP posts:

Northernparent68 · 19/05/2023 22:19

Yes in a word, yabu. Your partner may be a good Step father and husband but he’s not the children’s father. You picked your ex to father your children, it’s too late to change your mind.

handydandynotebook · 19/05/2023 22:21

Sorry but all the money and stuff is completely irrelevant and makes me angry. If your current partner ended up in a coma and couldn't provide would you make them stop calling him dad.

If they want to call him daddy Fred or whatever then fine as long as they are old enough to know he is not their real father

handydandynotebook · 19/05/2023 22:22

Ps. If my stepchildren wanted to call me mummy notebook I'd be fine with it but not mum. They have a mum. She may not be the ideal parent but she will always be their mum.

Original poster

sksiisifjelo · 19/05/2023 22:24

@handydandynotebook no, I wouldn't. It's not about the money on its own, he chooses to be there for them and put them first and himself second- something their dad doesn't do.

OP posts:

AnotherDelphinium · 19/05/2023 22:24

YABU. How would you feel if their dads new partner got them calling someone else mum?

EOW hardly equates to a deadbeat dad 🤨

Original poster

sksiisifjelo · 19/05/2023 22:26

@AnotherDelphinium Last year it wasn't eow and he cancelled a lot, but I do take your first point (and sorry for the small drip feed, as I said it was a short version as this was my third time typing it).

OP posts:

Smartiepants79 · 19/05/2023 22:26

I’ve never been in this scenario so I’m not sure I’m qualified to comment but my first instinct would be to say it’s totally up to you children. I wouldn’t necessarily be encouraging it but I’d it’s what they want of their own accord I’d not be stopping them either.
What about a different form of it? Or a special nickname?

Howdoidoit100 · 19/05/2023 22:27

Sorry, I don't agree with this. If they didn't have their dad in their life then I would probably think differently. Their dad might be crap, but he is still their dad and deserves to be the only one that the kids call dad. To be honest, I am surprised your DP even suggested this.

TomatoSandwiches · 19/05/2023 22:29

YABU, they can call him papa initial or something not dad, imagine your children calling someone else mum.

milkshakebringsallthebuoystotheyard · 19/05/2023 22:29

YABVU. They have a dad, you procreated with him twice. You cannot change biology just because you have a new squeeze.

AmbleInAnnBoleyn · 19/05/2023 22:30

What do the children call him currently?

Maybe they could call your DP papa Steve or something?

Please don't put the children in the firing line for conflict from their dad by encouraging them to use the same term for stepdad and dad.

BonnieGlasses · 19/05/2023 22:30

They have a dad and it's not your DP so no, it's not appropriate for them to call him that.

Fortunesmiles · 19/05/2023 22:31

God, no! That would be terribly confusing and inappropriate given that they have a dad (even if he’s a deadbeat one). None of the money or maintenance stuff changes the fact that he is their father and they have a relationship with him, so YABU. Your DP does sound like a nice stepdad though.

AppleKatie · 19/05/2023 22:31

I think the children should call him whatever they like. It’s a hugely personal decision and it is theirs to make not anyone else’s.

I would just let them choose naturally.

enforcing it or suggesting it in any way would be weird.

what’s important here is the children’s feelings nobody else’s. And they are quite capable of understanding that he isn’t biologically their dad.

Fortunesmiles · 19/05/2023 22:32

Also, you’d be opening yourself up to accusations of parental alienation by their father

Original poster

sksiisifjelo · 19/05/2023 22:32

@Smartiepants79 for one of them, it's definitely something they want (and we've not encouraged it or even suggested it), but I think you're right with your special nickname approach, I think we'll be going with that, thanks everyone

OP posts:

Socktupus · 19/05/2023 22:33

Has their dad got a girlfriend that he might tell the dc to call mum? Or a set

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 19/05/2023 22:33

My DC dad isn't even involved at all, has not paid for or seen them in over 2 years, half their life. I still wouldn't let them call another man dad if in this situation. If getting married and been together a long time then I'd certainly entertain the term of stepdad, but no. Not dad.

Socktupus · 19/05/2023 22:33

Whoops...a series of girlfriends, all called Mum?

MrsRinaDecker · 19/05/2023 22:35

I regret allowing my older children to call my second husband dad. I thought it was the right call at the time, but it wasn’t, and it caused probably more hurt further down the line. A special nickname could work, but otherwise no. Especially seeing as dad is on the scene (might be different if he wasn’t, but even then I’d think long and hard). I get your reasons, and agreed with them once upon a time, but hindsight and all that.

supersonicginandtonic · 19/05/2023 22:35

My nephew calls my brother dad because his dad has absolutely nothing to do with him and never has.
My older children don't call my partner dad as they have a dad who is involved. Same as my step daughter doesn't live with me even though she lives here permanently.
You have to also think about how confusing it would be for the poor kids. Just carry on calling him what they do now, a marriage certificate doesn't change anything .

Original poster

sksiisifjelo · 19/05/2023 22:35

@Socktupus tbh I have no idea if he does. I know he had one but no idea if they're still together; I do know that he's had a few since we divorced but I've only had DP (for years).

OP posts:

Original poster

sksiisifjelo · 19/05/2023 22:37

@MrsRinaDecker I think you're right, and I'm sure we can think of a lovely special nickname.

OP posts:

Original poster

sksiisifjelo · 19/05/2023 22:39

I'm off to bed but I think special nickname is the way to go. Night all

OP posts:

Actupfishy · 19/05/2023 22:41

Good God, no.
My lovely Stepson called his stepdad ‘daddy’ up until recently, confusing as hell for him and a pure dagger in the heart to my husband.

Only circumstance I think that it’s ok is if the father had gone awol and not interested.

They have dad.

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