To let them call him dad?

[sksiisifjelo]

I have NC’d and made this vague so it’s not too outing, apologies. Also typed this three times and accidentally clicked off each time so this is the exasperated post.

I have 2 DC under 10. I have a chronic health condition so I’m a stay at home parent/wife (nearly). DP is not their father. DP earns enough for me to not have to work (not a boast, I’ve been maxed out of my overdraft before and it’s just comfortable, not in any way rich). My DP and I are getting married at the end of the year and DP asked me about the idea of the DC having the option to call him dad once we’re married. DP reads them bedtime stories, takes them places, pays for everything for them (I guess we both do as our income is shared but realistically, he actually earns the money). He loves them very much and they love him too. Their father has them 2/4 or 3/5 weekends, which he does turn up to but doesn’t have a job because he can’t be bothered, he lives with his parents and just does nothing but somehow has holidays. Anyway, he doesn’t pay maintenance, he doesn’t provide for them, very rarely takes them places, doesn’t do much with them at all, but they love him dearly (which I understand of course). I’ve given him every opportunity to step up but he refuses. I never say anything bad about him to them. The younger DC heavily hints that they want to call DP dad, I’m unsure that the older one would want to, which is totally fine, it’s about giving them the option to with no pressure at all, especially as we know one of them wants to. We are concerned that their dad will tell them off if they do refer to my partner as dad in front of him- they would still call their biological dad dad too, to be clear, but I worry that he will be very cross with them when I’m not there if he hears them call him dad. WIBU to give them the option to once we’re married, considering we know at least one wants to, or is it opening up something that will make their lives harder?

They need a different name for him as the Dad one is taken already.

He is not their dad though so no he should not be called dad.

Honestly no, don’t encourage this.

Their dad is their dad, regardless of how well he fills the role.

My child has a step parent my end, and her dad’s. They are referred to by their names.

I have a step parent, of 25 years. I have never directly called him “dad” but refer to him as such in conversation outside of the family, and have given him “dad” cards for birthdays/Christmas/fathers day for a very long time. So I think of him like he’s my dad, love him like he is, and acknowledge that openly, including to my dad, but still refer to him by first name.

The op has said that she's going with nickname idea. So no need for anymore outrage.

Surely if the children feel the need to call someone else dad they have a reason. Not sure why a few people on social media feel so strongly about their situation.

My dd7's friend lives with her dad and step mum 5 days a week. She calls her mum.

They could call him Pop or something, but only if they want to.

I would also have a serious conv about whether he will maintain a relationship with them even if you separate, and both of you commit to that, before you considered it. If he gets an official title, even though it isn’t (and cannot be) Dad, it can’t be a relationship that would evaporate with divorce.

My dc now call DH dad. He has raised them whereas their bio dad was an abusive deadbeat who pops up maybe once a year. Their choice.

Imo anyone can be a father but the title Dad is earnt. Leave it up to them.

Their stepdad isn't their dad. I think you're right to find a different way to express their connection.

Come up with a different version of dad, if that is what bio parent is called. I think it's up to the children to decide.

I think it's totally up to the kids. They can decide/see for themselves who is fulfilling the dad role in their lives. Dad is as dad does. I wouldn't either encourage or discourage them.

This so completely misses the point.

Being a dad is much more than genetic. They have a dad, but someone else is doing the day to day role of father. Someone else is buying their food and housing them and being there for them.

If the children themselves choose to call the person who is actually parenting them Dad, that is up to them. Not OP, not their father, not you or anyone here. Just them. As long as they can freely choose, it's fine.

If he gets an official title, even though it isn’t (and cannot be) Dad, it can’t be a relationship that would evaporate with divorce

Of course it can be. And do you know how many bio dad relationships evaporate after divorce? A fucking LOT of them.

Sure… as long as it won’t be. Problem when your exs new partner gets called mum?

Not the same thing, is it? She won't be anything close to fulfilling a maternal role.

Up to the kids. Ex will always be their father but doesn't sound like he's much of a dad. If DH is fulfilling this role and they want to call him dad then it should be there choice.

YANBU. I have two wonderful amazing dad's, they've both been there for me my whole life, love me unconditionally and I can turn to them both for anything. One is my biological dad and one is my step dad. But to me, they're both just dad.

I only have one mum, but that's because my biological dad didn't remarry until I was in my 20s.

My niece also has 2 dad's. Her mum's husband and the sperm donor twat of an ex. Her step dad is more of a dad to get than her biological father has ever been or ever will be.

I called my stepdad Dad and he was my Dad, when ever I saw my bio dad I’d refer to SD by his name as he hated it, but tough, he was never there for my. SD was more of a Dad than bd ever was.

Let your children decide

DP may not be called Dad because he is not their father, and they already call their father DAD.

Its estrememly weird that he even wants to be called Dad; because he must know that conflict is damaging to the children he professes to love.

Children are not idiots, they can call 2 people Dad. He's more of a father to them than their actual father.

He wants to be Dad only if they want that. Nothing damaging there. No conflict necessary.