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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cocky junior colleague

66 replies

Curioussss · 19/05/2023 18:09

Colleague in my team who is a lot more junior than me and I sometimes manage in a team (but I’m not their line manager), can be cocky. I an female and they are a younger male if it makes any difference. He is also good at his job.

I ended up working late on a task and he messaged me after to thank me (patronising?) and then messaged me asking me to pick up another task today as he was so busy. I was a bit hmm about his phrasing as he asked if he could “let me pick up the task” as he was so busy - “let me”?

how would you deal with someone like this? Nothing big so far but lots of small incidents like the above where it is clear he is desperate to progress and really lacking in humility.

OP posts:
Drywhitefruitycidergin · 19/05/2023 18:45

"Very generous offer but unfortunately I'll have to decline due to other planned activities"

multivac · 19/05/2023 18:49

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/05/2023 18:38

“Herbert - it would appear you have misunderstood the structure here. You are a new colleague and the most junior in the team, whereas I am senior to you. I therefore find both the tone and content of your messages to be very unprofessional.

xX task is usually carried out by the junior team member, so I will end you to complete it by close of play.

Yours,
@Curioussss“

This is hilarious; would any professional person really consider a communication like this?

It'd be a red flag from anyone in my team...

PinkFrogss · 19/05/2023 18:52

It’s clumsily worded but I don’t think he’s done anything wrong.

If you don’t have capacity say so, tell him the task is usually picked up by his role and suggests he reviews his current workload with “insert appropriate person”.

All he’s done is thank you for something, and asked if you’re able to pick up a task you say is technically shared between you. Hardly anything to put him in his place about Confused

Scottishskifun · 19/05/2023 18:53

Curioussss · 19/05/2023 18:40

@Scottishskifun i agree, I’m just providing context, i don’t regard myself as senior or junior to people generally - I do have an issue when someone who is not my manager essentially tries to manage me or tell me what to do. I work in a male dominated and sharp elbowed industry and am fairly gentle / chilled as a person - so I can see exactly what I’d happening and it feels like this one is taking advantage

Oh I know what it's like to work in male dominated environment did nearly a decade in the oil and gas industry so I know exactly what you mean and in the past had engineers also think I am the tea girl or secretary! Attempts to micromanage are infuriating!

In that case I would be fairly to the point and make it clear you are doing him a favour if you have capacity to do so. If you don't then simply reply with if your struggling with your workload then I suggest you discuss this with your line manager.

Blondewithredlips · 19/05/2023 18:53

Curioussss · 19/05/2023 18:40

@Scottishskifun i agree, I’m just providing context, i don’t regard myself as senior or junior to people generally - I do have an issue when someone who is not my manager essentially tries to manage me or tell me what to do. I work in a male dominated and sharp elbowed industry and am fairly gentle / chilled as a person - so I can see exactly what I’d happening and it feels like this one is taking advantage

Please do something straight away. I have been in this situation and did nothing. The CF behaviour just got worse.

Howdoesitworkagain · 19/05/2023 18:54

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/05/2023 18:38

“Herbert - it would appear you have misunderstood the structure here. You are a new colleague and the most junior in the team, whereas I am senior to you. I therefore find both the tone and content of your messages to be very unprofessional.

xX task is usually carried out by the junior team member, so I will end you to complete it by close of play.

Yours,
@Curioussss“

What kind of twat would actually write this? 😂

Original poster
Curioussss · 19/05/2023 18:54

For all those who having a go, I had hoped I’d clearly stated that it wasn’t what was being asked that I had an issue with - it was the tone of the comms. I don’t have an issue with his productivity, I do have an issue with how he sometimes speaks to me.

OP posts:
PinkFrogss · 19/05/2023 18:56

Curioussss · 19/05/2023 18:54

For all those who having a go, I had hoped I’d clearly stated that it wasn’t what was being asked that I had an issue with - it was the tone of the comms. I don’t have an issue with his productivity, I do have an issue with how he sometimes speaks to me.

Fair enough, might be worth finding some better examples to discuss with his line manager in that case.

AlisonDonut · 19/05/2023 18:56

'I'm good thanks. Have a nice weekend and remember it is due on Tuesday'

Blondewithredlips · 19/05/2023 18:57

Curioussss · 19/05/2023 18:54

For all those who having a go, I had hoped I’d clearly stated that it wasn’t what was being asked that I had an issue with - it was the tone of the comms. I don’t have an issue with his productivity, I do have an issue with how he sometimes speaks to me.

I agree with you. The message was inappropriate. He is being a dick and needs to stop this immediately.

coxesorangepippin · 19/05/2023 18:59

He would not do that if you were a man. Guaranteed

Airdustmoon · 19/05/2023 18:59

I knew you’d be a solicitor OP before I got to your post confirming it! This is such typical junior cocky male lawyer behaviour and it absolutely needs stamping on. When stuff like this happens I think you should directly call him out on it - “You don’t ‘let me’ do anything David but yes I’ll pick this up seeing as you’re busy.”

I would recommend being less easy going generally, it’s a recipe for getting screwed over in law. As a junior partner, female and mother, I’ve had to be uncomfortably direct and ballsy in a way that doesn’t come all that naturally to me to get where I have.

cadink · 19/05/2023 19:02

Changingplace · 19/05/2023 18:17

Say sorry but you don’t have capacity to pick up his workload, Cc in his line manager and ask if someone else can help?

Yeah kinda passive aggressive but alerts his line manager to the tone of his message, and in terms of helping his workload, they’re the person he should go to, not you.

This is brilliant

Doingmybest12 · 19/05/2023 19:03

Thanks for your email. Absolutely no need to let me do that task as you are more than capable. However of you need some advice please do phone me for advice.

nosyupnorth · 19/05/2023 19:06

Different orgs and industries have different cultural normals, but from my pov you seem to be reading a problem into some very trivial things and if you launched into an uppity 'i am the senior don't you dare ask or suggest things of me you lowly incompetent peon' response like some people here are suggesting it would be percieved as incredibly unprofessional and raise questions about your comptenence and ability to work in a team.

I see nothing patronising about him thanking you. Surely that is the normal polite response to a colleague completing part of a shared workload, especially if they are putting in extra hours to do so. If you think that is odd behavior then I wonder how unappreciative/disrespectful you're coming across to other colleagues.

As for 'can I let you pick that up', I'd consider it nothing more than a clumsy working along the lines of 'can I leave that for you to pick up' and unless he's doing follow ups about how generous he was to let you, then pulling him on the phrasing is just pedantic.

Obviously there may be more going on here than in your post, but from what you've shared it sounds like you've got a chip on your shoulder about being female in a male dominanted industry and are getting defensive about your colleague being ambitious (nothing wrong with that). As for how to deal, be polite and professional, respect the fact there's nothing wrong with him putting himself forward to progress unless he's throwing others under the bus to do so. If the task is a shared responsibility then be reasonable about who picked it up, maybe you do have more capacity than him at the moment, maybe you don't, that should be the deciding factor far more than seniority and thinking yourself above him. And for the love of god don't start cc'ing your manager to complain that he's asking you to contribute to a shared responsibility or complaining that he thanked you.

Nononotorious · 19/05/2023 19:07

I think your update that you aren't his line manager and the tasks are for either of you changes things a lot! I don't see any problem with what he said.

Alicay · 19/05/2023 19:09

Airdustmoon EXCATLY nailed it. It's very hard though - you're fighting millennia of male entitlement here, crossed with the vagaries of the legal profession. He's a cheeky sod. I'd like to see him try that kind of thing on a legal secretary - they'd probably deck him....

Original poster
Curioussss · 19/05/2023 19:12

@nosyupnorth in not sure you’ve read my thread but ok thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Curioussss · 19/05/2023 19:13

@Airdustmoon @Alicay nailed it indeed! Thank you

OP posts:
Mummy08m · 19/05/2023 19:18

"Sure, I'm happy to do this one if you're struggling with the workload at the moment. Let me know if you need any efficiency tips in future"

Booksandclocks · 19/05/2023 19:25

Might be reading into it ... But I'm just imagining a scenario where you're a senior associate, he's a junior associate, the deal is crazy and the partner has sent a mark-up on a document and normally he'd be the one to do it but he's sent you an email saying "thanks for working so late last night on our deal, I've just seen the partner has marked up that doc, but I'm super busy, ok if I let you pick it up?"

In this scenario, and having been on both sides, unless this is a thing that happens all the time and is a pattern, I would think this is a product of everyone being a bit tired and sensitive on a tough deal and I'd let it go. If this is a pattern wait for the deal to end and have a sit down about how he talks to you.

Eugenieonegin · 19/05/2023 19:25

This.

helpfulperson · 19/05/2023 19:27

Have I got this right? Someone emails both of you and says 'X task needs to be done by tomorrow evening, can one of you do it?' He then emails and says 'can I let you pick this one up' If so I don't see a problem with this. You just go back and say 'I don't have the capacity either, we'll need to go back and say we can't make it happen' In similar circumstances I've done the job, the other person has done the job or where necessary someone else has been found to do it. In an 'all hands on deck' scenario seniority doesn't matter. Many moons ago when things were sent out by post there was an almighty balls up in my department resulting in everyone from admin to the director to me who was an HR professional stuffing letters into envelopes to get them out in that evenings post..

Clymene · 19/05/2023 19:30

This is absolutely an age/sex related thing. Unless people have worked in professional services they don't get the willy waving by apprentice big dick swingers. It's very tiresome.

I'd go with replying that you don't have time because you're leading on XYZ (something above his pay grade) and copying in his manager so they can see what a dick he's being.

Doingmybest12 · 19/05/2023 19:31

On the other hand are you not pulling your weight and so he is being direct or was there a list of actions he took on and he said 'let you do this' rather than ' can I leave this for you as I have taken the rest' . Just a turn of phrase.