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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate the term 'pull the cancer card'

43 replies

Rosabellll · 19/05/2023 08:44

Okay so I know it's a sensitive. A few years back was diagnosed with a rare aggressive cancer. Im in my 20s so I'm quite young to have it, and statistically, very young to have my type of cancer. 10% of people hit the 5 year mark which is where I'm currently at and things are stable and long May it continue. I have made peace with it all.

I have a wonderful support network of friends and family, but what I'm continuing to hear, and it bugs the hell out of me, is 'just pull the C card'. Examples, if I go on a rare night out, 'pull the C card' and get us a few free drinks. Now I have done this once, in passing, in a bar a few years back the bartender asked if we were celebrating and I told him it was my first year 'stable' and he kindly bought a bottle of champagne over to my table. I did not intentionally do this to get free drinks I just answered his question.
Another, on our honeymoon a friend said to me 'pull the cancer card you'll get upgraded.'
There are so many times it has happened but what has REALLY bugged me, I was out to dinner with a friend last weekend and she took it upon herself to tell the waitress that I was a cancer patient and deserved 'special treatment' (boak). I don't want to be seen as different from everybody else. I'm very open and honest about living with cancer and have written blogs and I'm in the process of writing a book. But I'm sick of people exploiting my illness as a way to get freebies. This friend has done this a few times now and I don't want me to be her excuse of some free drinks or whatever else. I'm a working, paying citizen just like everybody else. AIBU to think what she said was really grabby? Maybe I'm reading into it too much. It's none of anybody else's business what I am going through and even though I'm open about my diagnosis, I didn't appreciate being told to a poor waitress who probably thought she had to give us something 'free.' She did, but I tipped her the value of the item on top of her tip anyway so I ended up paying for it. Maybe it's because I'm 5 years down the line and this is my life now. I tend to forget on a day to day basis even though the effects of everything are very much there.

Cancer shouldn't be all doom and gloom and light hearted comments are welcome, but my life is not about 'pulling a cancer card'. It's not a get out of jail free card and id much rather have no card to pull and lead a normal, healthy life.

Thoughts please!

OP posts:

virginpinkmartini · 19/05/2023 08:55

Yikes. That's insensitive from the friend. Its one thing to make light of dark times and make the best out of a bad situation, but this friend is crossing the line with you and using your health to emotionally blackmail others into providing perks. They don't know what that server is going through in THEIR private life.

Have a word with her if you feel up to it, it's the only way to get this sorted. The boundary has been crossed and they don't likely have a reason to stop unless you say something.

RhosynBach · 19/05/2023 08:58

Wow that’s awful! My sister has just recovered from cancer aged 26 and she would feel the same way as you! She wants to be treated the same way as everyone else and would hate to be used for freebies. You need to tel your friend that it’s insensitive, inappropriate and you don’t want it to happen again. If it does happen again then she isn’t really a friend

musixa · 19/05/2023 08:58

It's not for your friend to say when you should disclose your condition.

MatildaTheCat · 19/05/2023 09:00

In all honesty you need to tell your friend this In exactly the way you’ve written it here. It’s all kinds of wrong and you know it.

Talk to her and say you’ve always appreciated her support but please no more cancer card talk, ever and also please don’t share your medical history with anyone at all. It’s yours and private.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 19/05/2023 09:01

Your friend is nasty, that's awful. I'd be having words and, if she didn't stop, ending the friendship.

PlanningQuestions · 19/05/2023 09:03

There are either not genuine friends or they have list all sense of perspective. They should be taking your lead on how much you want to mention/not mention your medical history.

PlanningQuestions · 19/05/2023 09:05

Sorry, 'there' should read 'these' and 'list' should read 'lost' -autocorrect!

CandyLeBonBon · 19/05/2023 09:08

I hear you op. My exH and his gf asked my eldest autistic ds (now 21) to 'pull the autism card' whilst at Chessington a couple of years ago, to get them all to the beginning of the queue and couldn't understand why ds and my other kids were so upset by it. He still can't won't understand what's wrong with it and insists 'it was just a joke'.

It's crass, insensitive and thoughtless. Your friend sounds like a dick.

Redebs · 19/05/2023 09:09

Firstly, massive congratulations on being well after all you've been through.
I can understand how embarrassing it must be to have a friend who does that and refers to it so insensitively. Tell her to stop.

Nordicrain · 19/05/2023 09:09

Yeah I wouldn't be friends with someone who said this

Cherryana · 19/05/2023 09:13

I absolutely see why this makes you angry. They are using your pain to get things -it’s terrible behaviour from your friends.

You also do not want on a night out to be exposed as some sort of special case who needs pity.

You have come through so much and you don’t need or want your friends to cheapen or reduce it to what they can get for free. It cost you a lot.

lookingforMolly · 19/05/2023 09:15

My best mate had teenage cancer that involved losing half her leg... I would never say that to her or even think it!!

Timeforabiscuit · 19/05/2023 09:18

We are dealing with dh having a non curative cancer, none of our friends or relatives behave like this. People have been very generous, setting up holiday funds and meals out, which has really been heartwarming, but also a bit embarrassing, as you say there's nothing special about living!

To be honest, the thing that's been truly transformative is the blue badge.

However, while the kids are holding their own at school, we have told them to "play the cancer card" in that they need extra support, they might be teary and need some time out, they might be distracted on a scan day, and that it's absolutely OK to tell a teacher that they are dealing with this.

HowDoYouDoWhatYouDoToMeIWishIKnew · 19/05/2023 09:20

I currently have cancer, my dc and I joke about it all the time, and I constantly 'pull the cancer card' when I want one of them to make me a cuppa, or tidy their room, it's our way of getting through this difficult time.

I would be furious if someone else took it upon themselves to do it for their own gain though. She's no friend of yours, I would cut her loose.

SallyWD · 19/05/2023 09:22

I had cancer and no one ever said that to me! I've known lots of people with cancer and have never heard that as a concept. Awful.

Timeforabiscuit · 19/05/2023 09:22

@HowDoYouDoWhatYouDoToMeIWishIKnew Ha! We do that too, in the very strict privacy of our own home!

saraclara · 19/05/2023 09:24

MatildaTheCat · 19/05/2023 09:00

In all honesty you need to tell your friend this In exactly the way you’ve written it here. It’s all kinds of wrong and you know it.

Talk to her and say you’ve always appreciated her support but please no more cancer card talk, ever and also please don’t share your medical history with anyone at all. It’s yours and private.

That. You need to talk to her about it. Apart from anything else she's giving other people your private medical information.

weebarra · 19/05/2023 09:24

That's awful! I'm about to hit 10 year survival and while in active treatment I did joke with DH about pulling the cancer card, it was definitely a joke and I never did it. For a friend to co-opt your illness is just horrible and I would speak to them about it!

saraclara · 19/05/2023 09:28

Presumably you don't use the phrase "plsy the cancer card" though.
I've been where you are, and I told my DDs to let people know when they were struggling, but I would never use "play the cancer card" because of the connotations behind it, which are absolutely not positive or reasonable.

xogossipgirlxo · 19/05/2023 09:33

Never heard of this term, but it's horrible for people to say. They can have your cancer if they fancy free champagne and upgrades so much.

strawberryurchin · 19/05/2023 09:37

you need a frank conversation with your friends about how you find this offensive and would rather they avoid using the term. You appreciate why they might think they are being on your side but from your perspective it makes you very uncomfortable.

They probably misguidedly think they are doing you a favour, after all, they've never been in your situation. So set them straight now without getting personal on it just correct them. if they continue then I guess you need to consider your friendships!

ShimmeringShirts · 19/05/2023 09:42

In your first example about the barman - that was fine. He was sweet, you didn’t share your news to get free drinks, there was nothing wrong with that situation. But it was you that disclosed your own medical information which makes the difference.

With the rest, your friend sounds horrible. She has no right telling anyone else your medical info and has no right using you to get freebies. You come off as uncomfortable about it through text (where it’s hard enough to relay emotions!) so I can imagine you feel extremely uncomfortable with it in person too, either she’s a dingbat with no emotional intelligence whatsoever or she just doesn’t give a crap that she’s using you and making you uncomfortable (and means she’s not really your friend either).

This is something you’ve been living with long term, it’s up to you what and how you share that with others and she shouldn’t be blurting it out to everyone and their dog in the hopes of free stuff.

Star0Fire · 19/05/2023 09:42

I wouldn't like this either, I'd feel
Like they're using me for freebies.
I think you should send them a text, just say you're trying to move forward with your life and don't like the constant reminders, plus you don't really want every stranger knowing it about you, so can they please not mention it in public again

HerrenaHarridan · 19/05/2023 09:48

You’re right op. It’s a super shitty way to behave.

Is the friend otherwise nice? Have you told her you don’t like it? Could she think she’s doing you a favour as you wouldn’t do it for yourself?

I once had a stranger grab me and drag me to the front of the gig shouting at people in wheelchairs at the very front to get out of the way as I have cancer (I don’t but she assumed that’s what my hair loss meant)

I was mortified but it’s really hard to shake a determined drunk person in a thick crowd and no amount of shouting over the music would make her relent. Eventually i managed to break her hold on my wrist and get away. Now I’ve learned how to do that more quickly and effectively but it really spoiled that event for me at the time as I was nervous of running into her and embarrassed she’s told so many people (at full volume over loud music) that I had cancer when I don’t!

Mardiarse · 19/05/2023 10:25

That’s terrible. Never encountered this and can’t imagine exploiting a friends illness in such a way.

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