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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate the term 'pull the cancer card'

43 replies

Rosabellll · 19/05/2023 08:44

Okay so I know it's a sensitive. A few years back was diagnosed with a rare aggressive cancer. Im in my 20s so I'm quite young to have it, and statistically, very young to have my type of cancer. 10% of people hit the 5 year mark which is where I'm currently at and things are stable and long May it continue. I have made peace with it all.

I have a wonderful support network of friends and family, but what I'm continuing to hear, and it bugs the hell out of me, is 'just pull the C card'. Examples, if I go on a rare night out, 'pull the C card' and get us a few free drinks. Now I have done this once, in passing, in a bar a few years back the bartender asked if we were celebrating and I told him it was my first year 'stable' and he kindly bought a bottle of champagne over to my table. I did not intentionally do this to get free drinks I just answered his question.
Another, on our honeymoon a friend said to me 'pull the cancer card you'll get upgraded.'
There are so many times it has happened but what has REALLY bugged me, I was out to dinner with a friend last weekend and she took it upon herself to tell the waitress that I was a cancer patient and deserved 'special treatment' (boak). I don't want to be seen as different from everybody else. I'm very open and honest about living with cancer and have written blogs and I'm in the process of writing a book. But I'm sick of people exploiting my illness as a way to get freebies. This friend has done this a few times now and I don't want me to be her excuse of some free drinks or whatever else. I'm a working, paying citizen just like everybody else. AIBU to think what she said was really grabby? Maybe I'm reading into it too much. It's none of anybody else's business what I am going through and even though I'm open about my diagnosis, I didn't appreciate being told to a poor waitress who probably thought she had to give us something 'free.' She did, but I tipped her the value of the item on top of her tip anyway so I ended up paying for it. Maybe it's because I'm 5 years down the line and this is my life now. I tend to forget on a day to day basis even though the effects of everything are very much there.

Cancer shouldn't be all doom and gloom and light hearted comments are welcome, but my life is not about 'pulling a cancer card'. It's not a get out of jail free card and id much rather have no card to pull and lead a normal, healthy life.

Thoughts please!

OP posts:

Remaker · 19/05/2023 10:28

That’s terrible behaviour from your friend. I suggest having an honest conversation with her about how it makes you feel.

I have cancer and I would never dream of deliberately using it to get freebies. Absolutely fine to use it at home for a cuppa in bed of course!

OldTinHat · 19/05/2023 10:32

I'm sorry you've been through such a traumatic time with your health.

I'm disabled and it's amazing how, suddenly, everyone is offering me a lift to places (don't forget your blue badge, Hat, we can park for free!) and to events (I'll take you, Hat, there are free carers tickets so we can share the entry cost!). I'm going away with 3 friends next week and they're already planning how to 'share out' the free carers entry to places.

I try to just smile and wave but it's infuriating. I know exactly how you feel, OP.

tonkywonky · 19/05/2023 10:54

Sorry you're going through this. My sibling was diagnosed with incurable cancer in their early 30's and I've never ever used that term or it even crossed my mind. I often remind her to use her "disability" to her advantage, I.e be able to take time off work, be given priority but never as a way to get freebies or for MY benefit.

I would turn around to your friend and tell her your condition is not for her benefit.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 19/05/2023 11:15

Wow, that's an awful way for a 'friend' to behave. Honestly it's like she's using your situation to get discounts or freebies. I would tell her it makes you uncomfortable, if she continues, I'd pull away from the friendship.

Merangutan · 19/05/2023 11:23

YANBU. Their behaviour is plain greedy and insensitive.

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/05/2023 11:26

I have literally never heard the expression.

Anyway, just tell your friends they are weird and ignore. You’d health issues are not a route to free drinks

I am glad you’re doing well

Original poster

Rosabellll · 19/05/2023 12:13

Well this is possibly outing but safe to say the friendship is over!

I called her this morning, wasn't confrontational but simply asked her to stop trying to get freebies and telling (normally bar / waitressing staff) about my health situation. She told me to 'loosen up' as she does it all the time. When she said 'I do it all the time' I don't know if she meant she, herself pretends to have an illness or she does it to other friends.

I don't need loosening up. As mentioned I'm a pretty open book and I'm happy to chat about my situation etc but I really don't want people asking, for me, for freebies for her to benefit.

I told her I'd appreciate if she didn't call me again, and I'd cancel next outing booked for next month. She's blocked and removed from social media.

I don't know what in the cheeky fuckery she's playing at but evidently I don't know her as well as I thought I did.

OP posts:

HowDoYouDoWhatYouDoToMeIWishIKnew · 19/05/2023 12:29

I'm sorry to hear that @Rosabellll

Unfortunately with any situation where there is trauma involved you get grief/trauma vultures.

They like being around tragedy and upset and using those things to gain physical things (like this person did) or attention.

There's a massive difference between you feeling comfortable to share your own story, and somebody else taking it upon themselves to do so.

You've made the right call ending the friendship, and I'm sorry this has caused more heartache for you 💐

SouthCountryGirl · 19/05/2023 12:42

OldTinHat · 19/05/2023 10:32

I'm sorry you've been through such a traumatic time with your health.

I try to just smile and wave but it's infuriating. I know exactly how you feel, OP.

I'm visually impaired and was informed several years ago that if I have a guide runner, their entry free for races is free. Someone found this out (not from me) and pestered me to do a marathon with them. I said no thanks which seemed to almost anger them, partly because I'd asked someone else to run with me. (She lives too far away and isn't fast enough)

Emmylou22 · 19/05/2023 12:52

I have cancer. I think it's ok to judge yourself whether you can joke about 'pulling the cancer card' (honestly I have to make a joke about it sometimes as humour is the only way I can get through this shitshow). But it's not ok for a friend to do this in a serious manner. It's crass and exploitative. And how odd to use it for free drinks. It's not like you're asking for a seat on the bus or something similar. I'd be expecting her to sincerely apologise and feel awful once you'd told her how it made you feel.

Emmylou22 · 19/05/2023 12:55

That is absolutely shameless @SouthCountryGirl ! People are baffling

Troubledwaters34 · 19/05/2023 12:56

We have this issue sometimes with daughter, she does not have cancer but another illness same level of severity etc
we were invited to invited to a theme park a few years ago with a friend and her sons and she was issued an access card and the friend went “ this is why it’s handy having DD come “

LumpySpaceGoddess · 19/05/2023 13:13

My husband has cancer and he makes jokes about pulling the cancer card but he is never serious about it, he is the type of person to keep things lighthearted and silly.

Your friend does sound horrible, I can’t imagine ever trying anything like that and it’s really disrespectful to you and what’s you’ve been through. I’d be telling her to pack it in as it’s not up to anyone else to disclose another persons health issues.

bringonyourwreckingball · 19/05/2023 13:19

I have breast cancer, the kids (teenagers) and I sometimes joke about pulling the cancer card because it’s our way of keeping things light-hearted and it’s always about silly stuff. Your friend is completely out of order.

LuvSmallDogs · 19/05/2023 13:48

My chemo buddies and I have a running joke about using the cancer card, but we don't actually go around blagging stuff, let alone doing it on someone else's behalf.

I'd have blown up at that friend a long time ago, OP, you have more patience than me.

I'd have said something like "Maybe to you this is just something interesting happening to someone you know, but it is actually happening to ME. I'm the one facing my own mortality, having pieces of my body cut up and analysed, and getting knackered by the side-effects of treatment. I will tell who I want, what I want. Now fuck off and grow up."

EddieHoweisMYmanager · 19/05/2023 13:55

My best friend has MS and we sometimes joke about ‘pulling the MS card’ between ourselves but never would I do it on her behalf to someone else.

nofashionflair · 20/07/2023 19:37

What I think is almost worse than asking for freebies is that she is sharing personal information about you without even asking if you're okay with that. In a way the freebie thing is similar to telling staff it's your birthday or whatever - just letting them know that it would be nice to make you feel extra special. But it's wrong to do that as a regular grift, and it's horrible to talk to strangers about your illness without your permission. I think you're right to no longer consider this woman a friend.

Kazzyhoward · 20/07/2023 19:47

Not quite the same, but when DH told friends he had cancer, the first thing a couple of them said was "don't forget to apply for your blue badge" and "make sure you get a nice motability car". Really out of order as he'd never given it a thought as he wasn't actually disabled/debilitated from the treatment enough to warrant it. But our "friends" thought we should exaggerate the side effects to get "everything you're entitled to". Needless to say, we've not!

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