To think I should get a bit more sympathy and less judgement!

[Firstimemumfear]

This is going to be very outing so name change tho I doubt those involved here. Sorry in advance for the long story!

I am 34 weeks in toa stressful pregnancy. My main supporters are DH and DM. I think I have made a rod for my own back by occasionally moaning about each of them to the other so I have come here to rant a bit instead.

I feel my mum has been trying to care for me but she just has such a judgemental way of doing it.
I tested positive for Covid yesterday and I feel pretty rough. Her response: "how have you got Covid? And does this mean we have it too? "

Bit cold seeing as I am just living normal life, I'm not going round seeking out and licking Covid patients! Plus me and DH seem to be the only ones who still mask and sanitize when we go to the hospital. I told her she probably gave it to us which she did not like.

Week before I got diagnosed with gestational diabetes. " What were you doing wrong then? You obviously need to loose some weight!"

Well all the nurses and information videos I have seen have said it's not my fault it's something in my hormones and I am hardly planning to loose weight at 33 weeks pregnant!

She is convinced that because she has twice found take away packaging in our house that we have take aways " all the time". No matter how often I tell her that's not true! We probably have take aways every other week and not even the most unhealthy ones normally! And yes I had a more few ice creams and sweet treats during my pregnancy - half of which she bought me but i had cravings (all of this before GD diagnosis, I am much more strict now, no sugar minimal carbs etc.)
I have also had to change my excercise routine during pregnancy, but in general I do some excercise everyday and even before GD are v healthy meals - lots of fruit and veg ect.

At 12 weeks, a few days before my scan, I slipped on some ice and broke my arm. Honestly terrified that I had hurt my baby I immediately called mum and dad to take me to hospital (DH was at work).
I'd been out walking the dog and had a choice between two directions, I picked the one that looked like frosty path rather than clear ice but it turned out to be slippery and down I went. Luckily for baby and the rest of me my right arm took virtually all of the impact.
She constantly picks the story, made me go back to the area afterwards " is this where you fell over? How did you do that! It's not even that steep! " (No mum, it was icy then remember)
On top of that I have DH who will not forgive the dog for " pulling me over" because, as with my mum, it doesn't matter how many times I say it DID NOT happen like that, they do not listen.
DM and MIL both saying I should have "insisted" on having a lead blanket when going for an x-ray, I did insist. The Drs said the latest research was showing that the blanket actually posed a bigger risk than doing it without when x-raying extremities. Should I have not believed them?

And then right at the begging of my pregnancy, before I knew I was pregnant I started getting shoulder tip pain. I had previously had an early miscarriage where the DRs kept asking about shoulder pain so I knew this could be related to ectopic pregnancy. I got a faint positive pregnancy test, called 111 and they ended up getting me an ambulance to A &E. For some reason I still felt like it was "probably nothing" looking at the stats of how rare it was and that I didn't have any other symptoms - long story short I called my DH to come in but didn't tell my mum until I had been fully admitted to hospital and it was clear I was going to be there for a while. She came in to "look after" me and I told her about the previous miscarriage which I had been struggling to talk about and she was so angry at me, called my dad and said I had been lying to them because I hadn't told them about the miscarriage and I did not tell her the second I thought something was wrong. Compared it to things like me hiding cigarettes when I was a teenager ( for the record I am 33 and haven't lived at home since I was 20) again why did I do x, why didn't I call the Dr sooner. Ended up having keyhole surgery to find nothing and the little mischief that started it all is kicking away now months later.

Maybe I am just at my wit's end because of the Covid and lack of sleep but she is constantly saying I need to ask her for help more but all I get is judgment back. I will tell her she is wrong but she will forget all that for next time. (It's on stuff like how clean my house or garden is etc as well) she is positive towards me alot as well to be fair to her.
Or is she right and I have been doing everything wrong?

You seem to rely on your parents a lot. If you’re asking for their help, and you know what they are like, you can expect to continue to be treated that way.
Id suggest you become more independent from them.

It sounds like your mum is very critical and judgemental, OP.

I imagine that's been her style throughout your life.

She's unlikely to change, and you are probably programmed to expect it. You might even be a bit like it yourself, as that's what you've always known.

It's quite a lot road to unravel all these years of behaviour. You have to start with yourself - understanding the situation and starting to think more neutrally about your mum's comments and behaviour,

Are you kidding? These are 4 medical incidents over an 8 month period. Before this I didn't even live in the same area as them but we would make an effort to go down a socialize. Never asked them for help or money. I don't think I rely on them that much at all! Because I asked for a lift to the hospital once? AFTER being told off for not telling them about being in hospital. Or because my Mum comes over for a hour a week to help walk the dog (in the later part of my pregnancy) and dad another hour. ( I pay for kennels if she needs looking after longer and am trying to get a dog walker but my god if my parents helping me for two hours a week is too much!?) Mum always asks if she can be more involved and of course I take her up on that as I can't move about as much and I do generally enjoy spending time with her.
I have barely relied on them for anything since I left home and was pretty independent before that, not because they were bad parents u just like to be independent - Mum's main complaint is that I don't tell her enough, ask for help enough etc. And like I said I am uneasy on taking her up on stuff because of how she is.

@CantFindTheBeat
Thank you yeah she has always been a bit like this.
Your right I do need to get better at taking it neutrally.
I am going to work hard to make sure I am not like this to my daughter.

She's stifling and shouldn't be blaming you for things like this. I felt stifled just reading that.
This stood out: "called my dad and said I had been lying to them". I wouldn't stand for being called a liar.
You'd be less stressed and have a more peaceful life if you pulled away from your parents a bit and lived more independently from them.

Stop telling her stuff.

I've had to do that with my parents.

Your parents won't change. They are caring for you but in their own way. You can either put up with it or not. I understand that it is hard but it sounds like this is nothing new?

And I would stop complaining about your DH to your parents and vice versa. It could all get really nasty.

I think pp who said you're relying on them too much missed the bit where you said "she is constantly saying I need to ask her for help more".
She sounds horrible tbh. I hope your DH is more supportive.
Do you have other family to offer support when the baby arrives? Are you comfortably off so you can afford childcare and a babysitter when the time comes? She seems like she'll be a nightmare grandmother tbh.

Your relationship with your mum sounds very enmeshed- no boundaries, so space between you.
You definitely need to put some strong boundaries up and not confide in her. My mum is the same. I've had to be really strong as I realised I was nearly 40 and my mum was still treating me like a little girl. It did take quite a bit of therapy though

Remember that you are 2 separate people - the relationship is what happens in the space between you both and YOU get to chose what goes in that space.

You also don't need us to tell you that your decisions are ok, just because your mum says they're not. Have confidence in your decisions that you make as an adult.

Bigs hugs OP

And definitely agree re not complaining about DH.

Have you tried talking to your mum about this? I agree that it may be hard for her to change but I’d want to give her the chance first, before distancing myself when about to have first baby! Get yourself as calm as possible before, be ready for how she may likely react, speak calmly and factually and own your feelings rather than blaming. Ie ‘when I got GD you said it must be because I did something wrong, this is not how it works and it made me feel…. In future could you try to be aware of how critical you can be? Etc. Even try to explore how her own mum was with her. You could be the bigger person try to offer balance, speak about the things she offers you and what you’d like to emulate in your parenting, but explain that you want to have a positive relationship with her and part of that is it evolving into an adult relationship. Would she speak like this to her friends?

Hope the covid passes soon, no wonder you’re feeling sorry for yourself 💜

I told her she probably gave it to us which she did not like.

ha! Sounds like a spikey relationship all round. Giving as good as you got.

Try to not let people get under your own skin so much.
Look for ways to take emotion out of the interactions. Eg., if they comment on your weight that's on them, you don't have to agree or care.

My mum is quite similar but actually since I had my DC she is much better, as if it’s given her something else to focus on, she is very good with them and does help but they go to hers rather than her coming here. I try not to tell her too much or tell her details.

Is this perhaps your mum's way of dealing with things she'd otherwise find upsetting? There's another post about a dad who ranted and raved when a grandchild fell down the stairs with similar undertones.

When your mum is upset or worried for you, she focuses on other controllable things because she can't cope with what is out of her hands. It's a more extreme version of when we read about something bad happening in the media and think 'why did they go there or they must be involved ' because if we accept it was random chance we have to acknowledge it could equally happen to us.

A difficult pregnancy for you is uncomfortable for your mum because you are hee baby - even if she's being a total pain in the arse about it. My mum hated it when we were in labour because it is inherently risky.

As for how you deal with it, maybe start buzzword bingo in your head and try and laugh (internally) at what she'll blame for this one. Treating it as a funny quirk will be less anger inducing.

I can completely see why you might want to strangle her but as others have said, you won't change it and fighting it will upset you more.

And without being patronising, I look back at some of the things I got really worked up at in late pregnancy and laugh at myself. In hindsight I was a bit mental in my reactions to quite minimal things but that's the hormones.

@FirstLaburnum this is my exact worry tbh. She wants to help with childcare and it's very tempting to take her up on it for various reasons.
Do I think she will be a bad grandmother? Not really but she might have opinions of how I am as a mother.

You need better boundaries. Your mum sounds interfering so you need to be more independent. Is there a reason why you can’t walk your own dog, for one thing?

I wouldn't want help that came at this sort of price. She sounds pretty unpleasant.

@Calmdown14 yes I think you might be right!

I hadn't considered that actually. It might be her way of coping.

I was surprised that you said "My main supporters are DH and DM" then wrote a post about them not being supportive.

In an ideal world you can tell your mum anything and she'd not be judgemental. But you and her are stuck in a similar dynamic to when you were a young child. It sounds like she doesn't see you as an adult at all.

I would feel suffocated so wouldn't ask for help or tell her stuff. Based on her past behaviour, it sounds like she can't help but stick her oar in and make situations more stressful with her grilling of you. I understand why you want the help but taking it fuels this infantilising behaviour.

I found it interesting that your h and mum both reacted similarly towards your fall on ice and made things more dramatic than necessary. Strange how they both knew better than someone who went to medical school 🤔

The biggest problem is how to maintain a relationship with your mum while protecting your dd from listening to your mum's judgement. Her behaviour risks your dd treating you like a child and casting judgement on you too because she will be growing up thinking that it's ok to do that to you.

@BriarHare DH and parents both are convinced that the dog will pull me over (since the arm break) although I completely disagree I have gone along with it as they phrase it in away that I am putting my baby at risk.

Also DH does majority of the dog walking and it is his own dog as well. They just do a couple during the week when he is at work and on those days I take her round the block in the morning.
Prior to breaking my arm I did 99% of dog walking DH very little.

What makes you think they gave you Covid?

I don't think they gave me Covid @Billyoh . I was being cheeky because she said I could have given it to her.
To be fair I could have caught it from them or anyone.

Your mum sounds awful.

My friend got gestational diabetes she's a size 8 fitness fanatic.

I would try to create a bit of distance with your mum, she's an additional source of stress to you. Just concentrate on your health and staying calm and relaxed

She sounds like a nightmare but so do you!

Well you’ve got a mutually disrespectful relationship, just reduce contact.