To be so upset?

[HCA]

DH was having a go at me because at 10pm he was getting his gym stuff ready for the next morning and couldn’t find a pair of shorts, ya know.. organised!

Turned into a bit of an argument (we’ll him having a go at me) and I was just smirking and nodding as I was so ready for bed and he was going ape shit about how I don’t do enough round the house and never on top of the washing and other chores even though I only work 2 days a week and at home with DD the rest of the time, and in half terms (for the 2 days he has 2 yo DD whilst I’m at work) he manages to stay on top of everything and run a house perfectly and I told him to be quiet as not too wake DD and he stormed off downstairs.

I sat here a minute and pondered and thought no hang on a minute I’m not taking that. I do all the cooking, washing up, shopping, cleaning, DD bed times the 5 days I’m not at work, DD bath times, finance organising/planning, grass mowing.. whatever, I feel like I do EVERYTHING!! So I went down and said just that and he basically he went onto say that the house is always filthy and nothings ever done and it’s not that hard being at home most of the time. And I went to go back with another point and he shut the door and called me a cunt. I told him that I heard that and he said that I was meant too.

Wow. A cunt?! That was a hard blow. The mother of his child? His wife? I’m normally not easily upset at all but that’s floored me. I’ve literally just not stopped crying. Its just got me doubting everything home management wise. I try my fucking best. His foods always ready to eat as soon as he walks through the door. And yes there is sometimes a wash pile and a bit of mess but who doesn’t have that? Especially with a 2yo. But he’s got me feeling like a failure!

And as for calling me that on purpose. I don’t even want to consider talking to him tomorrow. I’m crushed. I feel sick and if you’re still reading then thank you.

Childcare of a 2 year old is as time-consuming as working a paid job from home. Yes, you can throw a wash on while they nap and take them to do food shopping but in my house (DS is 4 now) nobody has "finished" the housework since 2018.

The only way things get done here is if DH takes DS at 5 when he finishes work and I whip round for an hour. If you're doing bathtimes what does he do when he gets in from work? Eat his dinner and then?

Was he an abusive can't before your child was born, or has he saved it up for now, like so many do?

Cunt

Bloody autocorrect

Eats his dinner and then plays a game on his phone whilst intermittently interacting with DD an hour until bedtime.
Or this evening he went to the pub when I put DD to bed and came back and we watched the football.

I might be in the minority but I don’t see the C word as a major insult like some others do. Some people think it’s the worst thing you can say to someone, but I wouldn’t take the insult itself to heart as you’re not a cunt. I would be rethinking this relationship however as you’re not really compatible

What an AH he is, and if the house is filthy then he certainly isn't doing 'everything ' during his 2 days. I'm not sure where you go from this.

Now I’m not normally prudish about the word. But it was the delivery, he said it like he really meant to hurt me which is what the problem is a think.

Why am I not surprised. Do you sit and play on your phone on the days you get in from work and he's had DD all day? I'll bet a tenner that's a no.

And I’m not sure whether I’m looking for people to say that that’s not ok for him to do that or whether I’m looking for people to say that they don’t have their shit together all the time looking after a 2 year old.
I just think I’m now be try rattled tbh.

Before I changed jobs and got home at a normal time, I took over the parenting and did the bedtime etc.
Now I work 12 hr shifts so she’s in bed when I leave and when I get back, but even still, nope I wouldn’t!

He looks after DD for two days at half term? He’s a teacher? Give him your role for five days out of seven every school holiday. He’ll learn to appreciate you.

What I'm saying is that if he wants these particular standards ("on top of" the house) he is going to have to contribute beyond earning the money and 20 days childcare a year.

He should NOT have called you a cunt.

You shouldn't have smirked at him and then followed him to carry on the argument.

Both, to answer your questions -

1. It's not OK for him to do that.

1. People don't have their shit together looking after a 2 year old.

He sounds angry and resentful and like he'd rather be somewhere else tbh.

Did you sacrifice your job because it was the best thing for your child.. or because you both agreed you'd be the Keeper of the Gym Shorts?

I agree with the first poster, looking after a 2 year old can be really bloody intense. Even cooking something balanced for them, persuading them to eat, clearing up after them can take a big chunk of time...three times a day. Unless they sleep well at night and nap for a good few hours a day and you use all of this time to scroll your phone whilst your husband is slaving away down the mines then of course he is being unreasonable. What does he actually want you to do? Leave your toddler alone to eat while you hoover and choke? Sit them infront of the tablet all day while you scrub the bathroom? Ban them from painting in case they make a mess? Stop them playing with toys because they're untidy? Not take them out anywhere so you can dust? He is being completely unrealistic. I bet when he has them on his own he isnt simultaneously doing all those other things that you do as well, all the organisation and planning etc.

When you add up all the free time you have between tasks, and add up all his free time, how does that compare?

You will probably get people telling you to list all the jobs you do in a day / week (pointing out that having a toddler is a full time job as well) and how long they take and then list all that he does plus work and show him the million things you do.

But honestly, even if he had a point, calling someone a cunt is not the behaviour of a decent person. So I'm not sure if there is any point, as he doesn't respect you or value what you do and it's going to be very hard to change his opinion given it's so down in the gutter.

Tell him to cook his own dinner and do his own washing...men think looking after a child is easy it may seem easy for a couple of days then they start to realise it ain't u are doing a great job and next time he calls u a cunt say c u next Tuesday and laugh

Thank you for your replies everyone.
I do feel a little calmer but I think I am still upset with DH so think I’ll be swerving his texts.. if he does text that is..
argh I’m just so annoyed, I feel like a don’t bloody stop and I work hard to make sure everything is nice for us and we eat nice, fresh dinners everyday and he’s just thrown it in my face implying I’m lazy and do jack shit.

It is NOT OK for him to do that or say that.

It is 100% normal not to have your shit together all the time looking after a 2-year-old.

You need to think about whether he treats you like shit generally and doesn’t pull his weight domestically, and if you might need to consider going back to work closer to full-time.

And this started over gym shorts. So who's looking after his child while he's at the gym?

Sounds like projecting, he came home from the pub and called you a cunt because he can't get his gym bag together.
Jeez, sleep on the couch mate and come at me when you can use your adult words.

Why did you divide roles like this? Was it a mutual choice? So you both understand and appreciate what the other does doesnt sound like it. i think you need to sit down and talk about expectations particularly around communication.

Well I hope he feels like a right cunt himself right now, not least because instead of losing his shit he could have found his gym shorts, given them a quick handwash and they'd be dry in the morning.

As you will point out, after you compose yourself, when stating "Because Cunt, that's what gym shorts do" as you throw them at him.

When I had a 2 year old I was a SAHM.

There were many days the house was a tip.

There were no mobiles then, but even so my DH came home, we had tea and he did bath and bed.

Clearing up was done to a degree but if knackered stuff was left.

We both chipped in at the weekend depending on what needed doing and he did a lot of DiY.

Your husband is an arse

Well make sure for the next little while, as far as he's concerned, Jack Shit is all you do.

No washing, cooking or sorting for him. If it's so easy he can do it himself.

Oh love, isn’t it just the worst when you have an awful argument like that?! Maybe it’s time to book a few days away with the girls and see how well he’s got on with it all when you return. I remember when mine were small it was the mundanity of it all that made me lose my mojo for housework. It’s tough. We spent so much time out walking that we were knackered when we got home and didn’t have much energy for housework but did it, piecemeal. Now I’m back at work housework is a nice change so I enjoy it. You really should book a few days away and see how quickly he loses his momentum with it. He must’ve got his gym shorts in a right old twist to call you cunt. You’re definitely not a cunt by the way. I’m sure of it. 😘