AIBU to not want to tell pregnant friend about my birth trauma?

[Ginnyfromtheblock]

A friend of mine is 3 months behind me in her pregnancy journey but has recently found it she might be in a similar situation to be with regards to reduced fetal growth and being induced.

She seemed quite upset and panicked so I reassured her everything will be ok and baby will be fine (my baby was born healthy). I described the steps taken for my induction and at what stage I took different pain relief etc. However I did have a traumatic birth (currently having therapy) but I didn't mention all the bits that I found difficult (a not so great midwife, not realising baby's heart rate has dropped, forceps, haemorrhaging etc). Should I tell her? I feel like it will cause unnecessary anxiety but my DH said she should know the risks etc.

I went in for my induction quite relaxed because I had a fairly positive approach to giving birth. Now however,I don't think I ever want to risk going through that again because of my experience and I just feel it won't be helpful for my friend to have the information about my friend. Maybe one day after she has had her baby, I will tell her, but I feel like it isn't fair to do so now. I also do wonder if she will be upset I didn't tell her the full truth.

YABU - you should tell your friend ahead of her induction
YANBU - you shouldn't tell your friend ahead of her induction

Congratulations on your baby, I’m sorry you had such a tough time.

I’d probably be honest but vague, just say that the experience wasn’t what you’d hoped for but also reassure her that it was largely due to individual circumstances (the midwife you had on the day etc) and maybe say that because of your experience you wish that you’d been more prepared/had more information about potential interventions and outcomes before you went in for your induction. That gives her the opportunity to have a chat with her midwife/doctor who will be able to talk her through it in a way that isn’t upsetting for both of you.

I absolutely would not share it with her before her birth. I too had a horrendous experience with induction but I also had two friends who got on just fine without even a stitch so I think it would terrify her rather than prepare her for any trouble. When you are happy to share and she has already given birth though I think that’s perfectly fine but she is probably already worried!

I work in birth trauma resolution. The worst case I ever had was someone who had a physically perfect birth. Keep your own counsel, stick to the facts and know that your way is not her way.

I do recommend a doula if you can afford one.

I wouldn't tell her. But I would recommend she voices her concerns to her midwife so she can talk her factually through induction.

I think there can be a middle ground. What would you wish you had known? I agree she doesn’t need the gory details right now, plus you are in the early days of recovery from it so how you tell your story will be impacted by that. I’m sorry btw.

But one of my friends told me that she wished she’d known that she could ask for another midwife. This was v helpful info to me as it was soooo uncomfortable to do, but instantly helpful once the midwife I didn’t like was out of the picture. I think you can give helpful bits of advice on the bits that she might have control over. Also I think normalising that it’s ok to be scared.

Depends on your friend and her preference. Personally I'd want every detail as fore warned is fore armed. I'm actually a bit annoyed at all the people who told me that my births would be 'fine' then afterwards admitted to not wanting to scare me. I'd have felt so much more in control if I'd known more what to expect and been able to prepare for the worst.
However, for every person like me, there's another who would rather not know as it will increase their anxiety. Possibly needlessly as they may have a far better experience.
The half way point and most constructive is to prepare her for the things you think knowledge will help her control.

I'd tell her what I tell every single woman going into an induction to do. Find out what your Bishop Score is and talk to a medical professional about the chances of you actually giving birth naturally. Mine was very low and I ended up with an unplanned C section.

Following on my comment about low Bishop Score, I absolutely wish I had gone for a planned C section given I had a low Bishop Score. The chances were I was always going to need one and I went through 18 hours of agony first.

I think you should tell her that it was traumatic, and whether you would have chosen a different course of action with hindsight.

I think women need to be aware of the risks of induction. The risk of instrumental delivery are downplayed.

YANBU - go with your gut! Not quite the same but a friend and I were expecting our first's at the same time, she was a month ahead of me and she had a friend I vaguely knew who was due in between us. One week after my close friend had her baby, the other lady's baby was tragically stillborn. My close friend chose not to tell me until a few weeks after my baby was safely delivered and I was very grateful for her thoughtfulness.

Further to my Bishop score rant (sorry, but it is a real bugbear that women aren't properly informed!) "Research shows being induced with a low Bishop’s score significantly increases the risk of c-section birth. Another study looked at women who were induced with a Bishop’s score of less than 7. The c-section rate among these women was 42% for first time mothers, and 14% for women having subsequent pregnancies."
If 42% of women end up having a C section I imagine a significant percentage on top of that end up, like you, having an instrumental birth. And that's for Bishop scores under 7, which was high compared to where I was when I was merrily told to have an induction.

YANBU it will only get her stressed and there's every chance her experience will be different

I'm torn on this because without knowing you and your friend it's impossible to tell. Firstly it's your story so if you cant or dont want to tell it then that's fine.

However for me, the best thing i did for my own birth was get all the information i could. I did the hypnobirthing, the classes, watched lots of medication free-water births so I had a positive mindset. I also listened to many, many brave women, both in real life and on YouTube, who had difficult and traumatic births. Im the sort ot person who needs a plan A-Z. It helped me immensely as I felt armed and empowered.

That said, I was so focused on giving birth i couldnt effectively advocate for myself (very easy to say stand up for yourself, very hard to do in practice). But because I'd gone through it all my partner was amazing. He knew what I wanted, and made sure I was heard even when I couldnt really speak or make decisions. If I hadnt been prepared he couldn't have done that. I was able to make choices so despite it not being the easiest birth in the world, i look back on it with great happiness.

If you feel able to, consider what would have or could have made a difference and go with. 'everyone's experience is different but I found it tough. Here is what I wish I'd known or done - you can request to change midwife, be clear about why and if you cant make your partner say it. You can insist on painkillers for the induction, ask for wireless monitoring so you can move...' whatever it is.

And look after yourself through all of it. Congrats on the little one.

I would be honest and say it was difficult but I wouldn't tell her the details unless she specifically asks.

If they are pregnant neither myself or my sister tell anyone our first birth stories truthfully because although both bad my sister's was horrific. I would just advise people to be as informed as possible, watch as many birth programs as they can and a live and healthy baby is the best outcome. However, I have said mine isn't a great feel good birth story and that is why your own research is so important.

I think the one thing that both my sister and I would emphasise is the unexpected mental toil of labour and delivery not just the physical.

I feel very conflicted about this. I never ever share birth horror stories with pregnant women, but I think that women are often fed a very unrealistic narrative around birth (vaginal birth in particular) and that they deserve to know the truth.

I would do something along the lines of "I've been thinking a lot since our last chat and I perhaps left some of the more negative things out to not scare you - would you be open to hearing a few of the 'things i wish I knew'?"
and she can say yes or no

then structure the info in a helpful, valuable way..

'one of the things I found most difficult was the communication with the mid-wife. I wish I had asked more questions about X'
'I didn't realise that X can happen. It made it much more scary at the time, when in fact all went well and it was a common thing'

Don't scare her with the full details but if there's anything useful you learnt by all means pass it on.

Everyone has a different experience. There is a link between the comfort of the mum and progression so scaring her is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I have one friend that had a horrific 5 day induction process with drips, episiotomy, forceps, stitches, you name it. Another, mamaged to get to the water breaking fairly quick, set her right off and baby was out a few hours later with no need for drips or interventions. Probably much better than many non-induced vaginal births. No idea why, no reason for it. Hopefully she won't go through what you did and I hope you're getting all you need to recover and heal.

Good suggestion

I actually asked for my bishop score with my first before I was induced and was told they needed to put the pessary in first. It was the most painful thing I ever felt in my life and more painful than labour itself. It was like someone shoved a cactus up there. I was was still never told my score, just given paracetamol to ease the pain. They knew my body wasn’t ready and the induction failed. Three days and only managed three centimetres. I didn’t even want to be induced in the first place, repeatedly said so for weeks and asked for evidence that it was necessary and the only thing they would do was quote stillbirth stats for all pregnant women and tell me I was harming/killing baby by not doing so I caved. Never got an apology when the hospital not only said I shouldn’t have had one but couldn’t explained why I was given one in the first place. Oldest was 6lb 14oz and they didn’t even disclose that he wasn’t breathing when they did the emer-cs. Found that out after we reported them.

Looking back, the consultants were out of order on a lot of things but since it was my first, I thought it was standard procedure until they wouldn’t answer my questions or give me any evidence-based reasoning. I was simply expected to simply take their word for everything and not question things, especially when tests were coming back normal and they still were pushing to induce.

I think you could give her advice based on your experience about how to prepare, research, how to be assertive and how to interact best with the medical staff. I wouldn’t lay it out too bare though.

Agree with the majority, I wouldn't tell her. Both my births were quite traumatic in different ways but I have come to realise that most women aren't prepared for the unexpected and find an element of their experience unsettling.

On the baby circuit (classes, playgrounds) women often start telling me about their difficult births. I realise they just want to get it off their chest as they haven't made their peace with it yet, so I just offer sympathy and agree it must have been tough. The Trust should offer a 'reflections' scheme where you can arrange an appointment with the midwifery team to make sense of your experience.

So sorry you went through that. It's crazy, the whole thing. The chances are, you're going to end up in the operating theatre one way or the other, so why not inform properly about the risks and likely outcomes? In a lot of circumstances, inductions aren't going to work but they ARE going to cause total agony and total exhaustion.

Of course you bloody shouldn’t! Do you really need to ask?!

The chances are, you're going to end up in the operating theatre one way or the other, so why not inform properly about the risks and likely outcomes?

Because it’s easier to have women accept them without really looking into what is entailed. I knew the risks of inductions hence is why I didn’t want one but all I was told was I needed one and from others that doctors knew better 🙄 which I disagreed if they can’t answer or provide evidence something is medically necessary.

The leaflet given at the time made me scoff because it pretty much painted it as some type of “natural” step to move things along and downplayed the risks and outcomes. It talked about the percentages of success of course but not the failures, the amount of interventions when it does fail, or the risks to baby.