DD and ‘Best’ Friend

LucyOCS · 2023-05-18T08:24:07+00:00

DD is 7 and a tomboy. All her close friends are boys. She’s had two particularly close boy friends since reception but the relationship with one seems to have gone sour and we don’t know why. Looking back, it might have been going wrong for a while. She hasn’t been invited to his house for ages. We are friends with his parents and I have helped them out with childcare whilst I have been on mat leave, but my recent offers to do this have been ignored. In the last couple of weeks we’ve noticed he won’t even acknowledge her when we see him on the school run. She gave him a birthday present and he barely looked up to thank her, and we’ve just found out he is having a birthday party and she is not invited. This is despite the fact that he is invited to hers which is also coming up (parents have not yet accepted the invite). As we are friends with the parents, he must really not want her there for her to not be invited. It’s pretty obvious he must really dislike her. She hasn’t mentioned anything. Would I be unreasonable to ask his parents what she has done to upset him? Or will that just make things really awkward and look like we are only asking because we have found out about the party (parents don’t know we know he is having one). She’s a lovely kind hearted child, I can’t imagine she has been deliberately mean (but if she has I want to know about it to make sure she knows that behaviour is unacceptable), but something must have happened. A few months ago she liked him so much that she made a valentines card for him (didn’t give it to him was too scared), but I think she did tell a few classmates she had a crush on him so maybe it’s that? She no longer has a crush on him she says so she must have noticed he’s not being as friendly to her. I was wondering if perhaps DH and I done something to offended the parents as well but they seem fine with us so it must be something between the two of them.

Theblacksheepandme · 18/05/2023 09:26

I stopped reading at tomboy.

Sissynova · 18/05/2023 09:28

You're way too involved in the friendships of your 7 year old.

SoTired12 · 18/05/2023 09:28

You should just ask his parents if something has happened x

Mrsjayy · 18/05/2023 09:28

Friendships dip especially at 7 maybe she's been telling other kids he's her boyfriend or something silly and he doesn't want to play with her, or the friendship has drifted. I don't think you should be getting to heavily involved .

HadEnough2023 · 18/05/2023 09:29

You're getting way to involved, they'll probably be friends again in a few months.

HowDoYouDoWhatYouDoToMeIWishIKnew · 18/05/2023 09:31

You're reading too much into it.

She's told their classmates she has a crush on him, kids will have teased him about it so he has backed off from the friendship.

All completely normal.

Nutsabouttopic · 18/05/2023 09:32

I wonder did some other boys tease him about DD being a girl or having a crush on him. Up to this age it doesn't matter if you are boy or girl you are just friends. From this age that changes.

Missmarplesknittingbuddy · 18/05/2023 09:33

"Tomboy" .. I hoped we had moved on from this kind of language.
Do you me your child is a girl and her friend is a boy ? .
Her friend is either embarrassed by the talk of a crush or they have fallen out . Children will change friendships groups over time . I dont think involving his parents will help.

Missmarplesknittingbuddy · 18/05/2023 09:35

Last post should read mean , not me

Original poster

LucyOCS · 18/05/2023 09:36

Sorry didn’t realise there was anything wrong with the word Tomboy…

OP posts:

Original poster

LucyOCS · 18/05/2023 09:38

Nutsabouttopic · 18/05/2023 09:32

I wonder did some other boys tease him about DD being a girl or having a crush on him. Up to this age it doesn't matter if you are boy or girl you are just friends. From this age that changes.

Yes I think you’re probably right about the crush thing. I does also worry me that she doesn’t have any real girlfriends. There are no girls in her year sadly who are like her 😔. It’s a 3 form entry school so you’d think there would be but sadly not.

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fajitaaa · 18/05/2023 09:38

At 7 I think this is just one of those normal friendship things. I don't think parents should be getting involved unless it turns nasty.

fajitaaa · 18/05/2023 09:40

LucyOCS · 18/05/2023 09:38

Yes I think you’re probably right about the crush thing. I does also worry me that she doesn’t have any real girlfriends. There are no girls in her year sadly who are like her 😔. It’s a 3 form entry school so you’d think there would be but sadly not.

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There are no girls in her year sadly who are like her 😔 what on earth does that mean? You need to encourage her to talk to people who aren't "like her".

Eckyftang · 18/05/2023 09:43

LucyOCS · 18/05/2023 09:36

Sorry didn’t realise there was anything wrong with the word Tomboy…

There isn't. Unfortunately there's a section of handwringing wet wipes on the Internet who have a problem with it.

Righthandman · 18/05/2023 09:45

Hey OP, I don't think 'tomboy' is a terrible word and it's actually quite a useful shorthand for what you're aiming to communicate about your DD. Some girls do find friendships with boys easier - and vice versa. Around Y3/4 in school is when friendships can start to become a bit more tricky - younger children seem to be happy to be friends with just other children of whatever sex and then around the age of 7 or 8 they often start to get worked up about boys and girls playing together and peer pressure to segregate can interfere with friendships.

If this boy's family are family friends, I don't think it would be unreasonable at all to chat to the other parents about what has gone wrong in the friendship. Just in a very light way. DD has been missing your DS, would he like to come round and play? Oh, did they manage to have a falling out? And just see where the conversation leads.

Original poster

LucyOCS · 18/05/2023 09:58

fajitaaa · 18/05/2023 09:40

There are no girls in her year sadly who are like her 😔 what on earth does that mean? You need to encourage her to talk to people who aren't "like her".

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She does talk to and get on with the girls. She seems to get on well with a lot of different girls. What I meant was she hasn’t formed a very close friendship with a girl and we can’t necessarily see where that will come from. All she wants to do at lunch is play football, tag, bulldog etc, and the girls don’t seem to want to join in with that.

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Wheelz46 · 18/05/2023 09:58

My eldest son was best friends with a girl in the lower key stages, they had a lovely friendship until she told everyone she was going to marry him, he was mortified 😆

When you say other children are not like her, not quite sure what you mean, me and some of my closest friends are complete opposites but this doesn't stop us being friends.

If your daughter is struggling with forming other friendships with other children, could you mention to the teachers about teaming her up with a buddy (our school do this for the children who struggle socially to make friends).

Missmarplesknittingbuddy · 18/05/2023 10:01

@LucyOCS I am not hand wringing (or a wet wipe , whatever that is ?? ) .
The issue with the word " tomboy " is that it has been traditionally used to describe a girl who adults feel behaves like a boy or enjoys things associated with boys . I think we should be moving past these gender stereotypes .
I was described like this as a child and hated it . I was not a boy , a simply girl who liked to wear jeans , watch football and had male friends .

SoTired12 · 18/05/2023 10:02

LucyOCS · 18/05/2023 09:36

Sorry didn’t realise there was anything wrong with the word Tomboy…

There isn't.

Just ignore them.

HowDoYouDoWhatYouDoToMeIWishIKnew · 18/05/2023 10:03

LucyOCS · 18/05/2023 09:58

She does talk to and get on with the girls. She seems to get on well with a lot of different girls. What I meant was she hasn’t formed a very close friendship with a girl and we can’t necessarily see where that will come from. All she wants to do at lunch is play football, tag, bulldog etc, and the girls don’t seem to want to join in with that.

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Why does she have to have one close friend?

My dd doesn't have a best friend, she plays with different kids all the time, and she is absolutely fine and never short of people to play with.

Original poster

LucyOCS · 18/05/2023 10:03

Wheelz46 · 18/05/2023 09:58

My eldest son was best friends with a girl in the lower key stages, they had a lovely friendship until she told everyone she was going to marry him, he was mortified 😆

When you say other children are not like her, not quite sure what you mean, me and some of my closest friends are complete opposites but this doesn't stop us being friends.

If your daughter is struggling with forming other friendships with other children, could you mention to the teachers about teaming her up with a buddy (our school do this for the children who struggle socially to make friends).

I think this is what has probably happened. She’s moved on to two other crushes now. I need to tell her to keep them to herself 🙊.

she doesn’t seem to struggle for friends at all, but in regards to the girls I wouldn’t say she has any particularly close girlfriends. Their interests are just too different at the moment.

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SoTired12 · 18/05/2023 10:04

Missmarplesknittingbuddy · 18/05/2023 10:01

@LucyOCS I am not hand wringing (or a wet wipe , whatever that is ?? ) .
The issue with the word " tomboy " is that it has been traditionally used to describe a girl who adults feel behaves like a boy or enjoys things associated with boys . I think we should be moving past these gender stereotypes .
I was described like this as a child and hated it . I was not a boy , a simply girl who liked to wear jeans , watch football and had male friends .

I was called a tomboy and it didn't bother me in the slightest. You sound precious.

Original poster

LucyOCS · 18/05/2023 10:06

Missmarplesknittingbuddy · 18/05/2023 10:01

@LucyOCS I am not hand wringing (or a wet wipe , whatever that is ?? ) .
The issue with the word " tomboy " is that it has been traditionally used to describe a girl who adults feel behaves like a boy or enjoys things associated with boys . I think we should be moving past these gender stereotypes .
I was described like this as a child and hated it . I was not a boy , a simply girl who liked to wear jeans , watch football and had male friends .

But that exact description is how I would describe DD. I would never use the word in front of her though.

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Mrsjayy · 18/05/2023 10:08

LucyOCS · 18/05/2023 10:03

I think this is what has probably happened. She’s moved on to two other crushes now. I need to tell her to keep them to herself 🙊.

she doesn’t seem to struggle for friends at all, but in regards to the girls I wouldn’t say she has any particularly close girlfriends. Their interests are just too different at the moment.

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If she is talking about "crushes" then I don't think she is negotiating friendships very well but she is only 7 in she seems to be focused on boys being her boyfriend, but I think you need to help her by not entering into conversations about crushes

HowDoYouDoWhatYouDoToMeIWishIKnew · 18/05/2023 10:09

Missmarplesknittingbuddy · 18/05/2023 10:01

@LucyOCS I am not hand wringing (or a wet wipe , whatever that is ?? ) .
The issue with the word " tomboy " is that it has been traditionally used to describe a girl who adults feel behaves like a boy or enjoys things associated with boys . I think we should be moving past these gender stereotypes .
I was described like this as a child and hated it . I was not a boy , a simply girl who liked to wear jeans , watch football and had male friends .

I agree, my dd fits the description, but I have never used it. She's 8 and she knows we shop in the boys section for her clothes, but we have also discussed why it's stupid to have girls and boys sections at their age, she is the only girl on her football team, but she doesn't see that, she's just on a team with her friends. Some kids at school say she likes 'boy' things and she questions why they are boy things and never gets an answer. She is 100% confident in herself, her likes and dislikes, and that toys and clothes and hobbies shouldn't be gendered.

Using outdated terms like 'tomboy' is damaging and perpetuating stereotypes.