DD and ‘Best’ Friend

[LucyOCS]

DD is 7 and a tomboy. All her close friends are boys.

She’s had two particularly close boy friends since reception but the relationship with one seems to have gone sour and we don’t know why.

Looking back, it might have been going wrong for a while. She hasn’t been invited to his house for ages. We are friends with his parents and I have helped them out with childcare whilst I have been on mat leave, but my recent offers to do this have been ignored.

In the last couple of weeks we’ve noticed he won’t even acknowledge her when we see him on the school run. She gave him a birthday present and he barely looked up to thank her, and we’ve just found out he is having a birthday party and she is not invited. This is despite the fact that he is invited to hers which is also coming up (parents have not yet accepted the invite). As we are friends with the parents, he must really not want her there for her to not be invited.

It’s pretty obvious he must really dislike her. She hasn’t mentioned anything. Would I be unreasonable to ask his parents what she has done to upset him? Or will that just make things really awkward and look like we are only asking because we have found out about the party (parents don’t know we know he is having one).

She’s a lovely kind hearted child, I can’t imagine she has been deliberately mean (but if she has I want to know about it to make sure she knows that behaviour is unacceptable), but something must have happened.

A few months ago she liked him so much that she made a valentines card for him (didn’t give it to him was too scared), but I think she did tell a few classmates she had a crush on him so maybe it’s that? She no longer has a crush on him she says so she must have noticed he’s not being as friendly to her.

I was wondering if perhaps DH and I done something to offended the parents as well but they seem fine with us so it must be something between the two of them.

@Sotired12 , yes I was obviously precious at age 7 ,8 ,9 and 10 too . Glad the word didnt bother you, I was giving my opinion and experience to which I am entitled, not yours .

I think 7 is maybe just that age where kids become more aware of sex / gender and can start to get a bit funny about boy/girl friendships. I know I was a 'tomboy' with several close boy friends up until that age and then the friendships suddenly cooled around the age of 7. I wouldn't worry too much about it, friendships evolve fast and she'll adapt.

1 of my Dds hung about with mainly boy at the time she was into pokemon and dinosaurs and not really interested in "girl stuff"

That's fine then. She has friends.

I agree. It's very damaging. She's not a subset of girl. She's a girl, no further definition required.

Your DD and my DD sound very similar. We also have an issues with people telling her she likes “boy” things and indeed with her feeling like she’s a boy and not a girl. School didn’t help this as their lesson about gender stereotypes was completely misunderstood by the kids and DD came home talking about all the things they had put into the “boy” category.

This is why I would never use that term in front of her (it was just a quick way to describe her on here) and I would pull anyone up who did.

I agree with PP that someone has told him that your DD had a crush on him and he's embarrassed now.

I remember when I was about 8, I handed out invitations to my birthday party and I later saw one ripped in half, lying in a puddle in the playground. It was for a boy I'd been friends with since birth (our mums are longstanding friends and we were born a few weeks apart). When I asked him why he'd done that, he said he thought it was a love letter - because I'd tried to do my fanciest handwriting and had dotted all of my I's with hearts.

Leave it alone and it will sort itself out, one way or another.

@LucyOCS , sorry if your thread was slightly derailed re the word " tomboy " .
Your last post is my objection in a nutshell , for those who think I am being wet or precious. It is very easy for girls who dont confirm to female stereotypes to think they are not girls at all . In the 1970s there was no education about transgender to help or hinder , but the word alone made me think maybe I should have been a male rather than a female.

I think in her year they’ve all just started talking about having crushes / boyfriends. I don’t think DD even knows what one is. She tell me things like so and so is someone’s boyfriend. I think probably she just felt she ought to have one.

All you can do with that is arm her with some responses for when people are being stupid. My dd has a comeback for just about everything, and she's not afraid to speak up. Only once did I get pulled into the school about it, at the start of this year a boy picked on her for wearing spiderman shoes as they are for boys, she told him that boys and girls have feet so unless he's putting his penis in his shoes they are definitely for girls too (I've said this type of thing multiple times to my older dc when im ranting about people telling me dd should be wearing a dress or doing dancing rather than football) The school got upset as she used the word penis, after they spoke to me she was no longer in trouble and they are going to do some more work in classes about how harmful stereotypes are.

I make sure we have plenty of books and watch films and programmes with girls just like her in them as well so she can see that she's totally normal.

Your dd sounds lovely, and popular as well, there's really no need for her to have a best friend, that can sometimes be damaging in itself.

I have two 7 year olds, and I've always taught them that it's ok to have different friends.

Lots of kids struggle to understand the concept that as you grow up you change, get different interests, develop your own ideas and opinions etc... so quite naturally your friendship groups will change.

(adults also forget this is normal throughout life too!)

In Y2, it's a really common time where kids start losing connections from "old" friends (e.g. people they played with because their parents were friends) and start making different friends with other kids they might have more in common with.

I'd just encourage your daughter to ask someone else round to play.

I'd say the boy and his parents probably freaked out about the crush thing. And are now putting major distance in place. Tbh I'd be a bit ick about 7 year old sending valentines cards to peers

I definitely knew what a crush was at 7/8 . I played in a football team with a boy called Chris and thought he was gorgeous and usually passed the ball to him, even when it wasnt the best option .

And as a complete aside this is my worry with all the early education on transgender. I’m pretty sure DD is a girl who likes football and computer games, but if when she has grown up she wants to be a boy she will have my full support. It doesn’t take much to put the seeds of doubt in her mind about her gender identity, even just something someone says at school and we have had periods of her insisting she is a boy.

This however seems to have completely gone away since the women’s Euros and her joining a girl’s football team, so it also doesn’t take much to change her mind that actually she is comfortable with who she is.

I was a tomboy growing up, and to some extent I still am. That doesn't change that I'm a woman, I don't understand why this has caused so much upset.

Boys and girls tend to separate at around 6 or 7.i have read that the ending of platonic friendships gives them a ckean break so that when they come together again after puberty, it is in a different way -based on sexual attraction

Oh thank you, and good on your DD for sticking up for herself! We try to show DD lots of examples of girls like her too. We watch lots of women’s sport on TV and have taken her to women’s football matches. Oh and DD owned some Spiderman sandals at one point. They now fit her little sister (who refuses to wear them 🤣).

Luckily all the kids seem really accepting of her for who she is (boys and girls). I’ve only ever heard one nasty comment from a girl who said “is she even a girl (said in a really nasty tone), because she’s going round telling everyone she isn’t”.

Well said 👏🏻👏🏻

@LucyOCS I would talk to his Mum & ask if she knows what's going on with them.

OP,

I hope she is involved with lots of sports.

One of my daughters was a high energy girl that loved tag at playtime rather than walking and chatting.
Her good friends loved chatting so she would often play with the "sports heads" as I would call them.
The football, hockey, tennis crew who loved sports.
10 years later she is still hugely sporty and whilst she loves her non sporty friends, loves the friendships on court and pitch.

Yes she is. She plays several sports inside and outside of school.

FGS I can’t believe the word police are out!!!!

As far as I know there is nothing wrong with the word tomboy? Can some of you actually get a life!!!

id be curious too in your shoes but perhaps your DD has made other friends or more to the point she hasn’t complained to you so try not to worry too much

So a not to derail Ops thread further I will bow out of the discussion on gender s
Stereotypical terms .
I am not sure why others are using insulting language to support their viewpoint and dismiss mine . I certainly wont be descending to this level .
Historically there was also a term used to describe boys who liked " girlish " hobbies or dressed atypically.
This term would attract almost universal negative criticism if used on this forum . I personally think we owe our females the same respect .

Good on your daughter for doing things she enjoys, being healthy and active, rather than feeling like she should play different games just because she is a girl.

I would ask the parents definitely. I wouldn't ask if your daughter has done something to upset him, as that implies it's her fault and she has done something wrong.

Its fine to say, 'hi, do you know what's gone on between (daughter) and (son)? I've noticed they don't seem to be getting on so well. Do you know if something happened or have they just drifted apart? Do you think they need any help sorting stuff out?'

OP, your DD sounds happy and popular and she is enjoying being her own person , and you are doing a great job of supporting her in this .