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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

At what age did you learn to not take crap from anyone?

27 replies

Alwaysmyfaults · 17/05/2023 21:13

I’m late 20s mum to 3. Just gone back into the corporate world after many years of being a SAHM.

absolutely love my job but my god some people are dreadful and talk to me like shite.

I don’t want them to think I’m just going to nod my head and say yes and be polite like I always am. I am naturally a quiet person and hate confrontation but I can’t carry on like this because I know people will just take the mick.

I made a small error earlier, the person that picked up my email slagged me off to someone else but the other person replied to me instead.

I have to talk to these people everyday but don’t want to cause a fuss but feel like I should say something.

Is it an age thing or is it a confidence thing when you stop taking crap of people? I know the woman I want to be but I don’t know how to be her.

OP posts:

Witchpleas · 17/05/2023 21:20

I'm 40 and very much in the category of not giving a shit anymore, but I don't think it's so much age that did it as having my kids. I've done things to speak up for them and protect them that I would have completely avoided if it were for myself, and I think that has taught me the power of using my voice. I love a withering put down, and in your case I'd love to tell your colleagues to grow up and stop acting like bitchy teenagers.

BlueLined · 17/05/2023 21:21

Be the woman you want to be is my best advice. There are lots of people - men and women - who will pick up on you not taking shit and happily run all over that simply to get rule over you and not because they're in the right but because they see that they can.

strawberryjeans · 17/05/2023 21:22

Following, also in my 20s and like you I fear I’m perhaps seen as the weaker link because I am quiet and usually agree to things

BlueLined · 17/05/2023 21:22

taking not not taking

TomatoSandwiches · 17/05/2023 21:25

MaggyNoodles · 17/05/2023 21:26

I'm not sure what age I was, but I don't take any crap from anyone any more; I'm in my 50's.
I don't think you need to be particularly confrontational though. More factual.

I'd speak to the person who slagged you off and ask them, calmly, why they didn't come to you to discuss it, and why they thought it was ok to put it in an email.
(Learn the power of pauses in conversation to make other people speak.)
Tell her you'll take it to HR if she does it again.

Start focusing on your personal development; confidence, assertiveness, communication skills etc. There's loads of free stuff online if you look around, and some great paid-for courses that will be worth doing. Investing in yourself is one of the best things you can do.

Maray1967 · 17/05/2023 21:29

I have always been able to stand up for myself but only realised how forceful I can be when pregnant with DS2 at 40. Midwife who mockingly questioned why I’d written ‘baby will decide’ in response to ‘how will you feed the baby’ got a very firm response. She clearly decided not to raise it again. I realised I came across as a professional woman not to be messed with.

ImAnExcavator · 17/05/2023 21:30

After having baby number two! No time to care what people think anymore, but I'm also confident that everything I do is for the benefit of my children so I don't question the decisions I make anymore.

Original poster

Alwaysmyfaults · 17/05/2023 21:30

@MaggyNoodles that’s brilliant thank you so much.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/05/2023 21:31

It was gradual and tended to be 'types of people'. I could give 20 something men shit in my 20s. It's taken quite a while to work up to everyone in authority. I'm in my 50s and now it's basically everyone it wouldn't be dangerous to do it to. (And some it would.)

Maray1967 · 17/05/2023 21:32

Sent too soon. I stay polite but firm. I smile - but students know I mean business. I role play it with younger colleagues who can struggle with dealing with students sometimes.

towriteyoumustlive · 17/05/2023 21:34

Mid 20s I realised that some people are just horrible and they're not my sort of people.

So they can say what they want about me but I don't care because the only opinions that matter are from those people I do care about.

BarleySugars · 17/05/2023 21:35

Becoming a mum did it for me. Suddenly I just had no time for bs anymore

CakeBeautifulCake · 17/05/2023 21:36

I've grew out of all the shit stirring and pointless bitching, y'know, since I left school. EVERY job I've had has always been ruined by absolute idiots who still have the teenage mindset. Care homes are really bad for it! I chose that job thinking they'd be a better breed of people! Soon opened my eyes. I've left because these people will never change and in a small town, there's only so many 'enemies' one can have. I've decided when I get my next job, I'm going to fall back into my teenage mindset and not take any shit straight from the off. Being 'professional' and having basic manners and a smile just gets shit on. You'd think people would grow up but the majority don't ever seem to. Teaching is rife with it too.

Hullabalooza · 17/05/2023 21:44

I wouldn’t say teaching is rife with a teenage mindset.

There are just some people who will try their luck with flexing their perceived superiority over you, and the sooner they learn you are not a person to be messed with, the better. This can be through a small incident but sends a much bigger message. These types of people choose their ‘victims’ as people who won’t stand up for themselves. Sad but real.

littleredsky · 17/05/2023 21:47

I was in an abusive relationship in my late teens. After I finally managed to leave him I carried on as normal, then when I was 23 I had a manager who belittled me and made me feel small like he did. I ended up in therapy. That made me think I will never, ever again in my life have someone make me think they can make me feel that way. I'm now 32 and I will not take anyone elses nonsense or bullshit. Life is too short and your mental health is too important.

whumpthereitis · 17/05/2023 21:47

I have always been like this, honestly. I think I’m naturally inclined to it, and that was supported by the culture I was raised in. I don’t think ‘keeping the peace’ or ‘being liked’ are sacrosanct, and if someone thinks I’m rude then good, there’s a fair chance that’s what I was aiming for. That isn’t to say I go out of my way to pick fights or antagonize people, I don’t at all. I’m just not worried as to whether someone likes me or not (some will, some won’t. Such is life), and I won’t have the piss taken out of me.

I would say…just, be that person you want to be? Because you won’t realize her until you start taking steps towards her. Write your colleague an email addressing your grievance if you don’t want to speak to her in person. It doesn’t have to be aggressive (although I think a woman speaking up for herself can be perceived as aggressive, regardless of how she does it). If you’re fearful of doing that then consider why you’re fearful, and if it’s just a case of being averse to awkwardness then don’t let that be something that stops you asserting yourself. Ride it out, get in the habit of standing up for yourself and it should become easier every time.

shams05 · 17/05/2023 21:47

I'm ashamed to say it took me too long, so around age 33, but before then I was surrounded by like minded people at work and never really had to put up with any crap.
Now at nearly 43 I am still known to be the one to go to with any favours, younger colleagues start off thinking I'll be the one to accept any and all excuses but not anymore. Not at work, not at home and definitely not where my children are concerned.

ooblavay · 17/05/2023 21:51

I'm 40 and still care far too much about what people think of me. I was in a very difficult work situation a few years ago where I had to report a colleague about a serious incident and that has taught me to be more upfront sooner about things like that. It was stressful and I had to work with them for a while after but I survived it. Now less afraid to rock the boat. But I'm still a socially anxious wimp in a lot of ways. Really hope I reach the point where I give no craps.

MaggyNoodles · 17/05/2023 22:40

Alwaysmyfaults · 17/05/2023 21:30

@MaggyNoodles that’s brilliant thank you so much.

@Alwaysmyfaults no problem.
Start with your user name. Its Not Your Fault 😊

SSCCLL · 17/05/2023 22:51

About 28. I left my job and got a new one and haven't taken any nonsense from anyone since. I haven't accepted shit from my personal life since about 27 either. Not sure what switched but I know my worth in my social life and professional life and will always expect to be treated the way I treat people. It's working and I have really positive relationships only now albeit I am single after lots of shit dating experiences. I'll try again when I feel I would like to but my standards and expectations will be high

SmallandSpanish · 20/05/2023 00:04

About 4 years ago I exploded in the playground after a mum complained unnecessarily about my child one too many times. This was followed by 3 more quick explosions elsewhere with other piss takers. I just couldn't take anymore shit. It was good to let rip and walk away from these relationships but I've since refined my 'take no shit' moves to hold my ground without the need for explosives. It's a learning curve. I think the transition into peri menopause has included a lot of shit shedding. I'm wiser to it now and just don't need it in my life.

Hatemylife2023 · 20/05/2023 00:22

No babies, no children.

last 30’s I started standing my ground. I don’t need to prove myself or be second best. You become less willing to accept the treatment of your younger self readily who knew no better. I always remember a 29 year old friend saying to my 16 year self I’m to long in the tooth for this so knew it was only time before I’d adopt the same, whether children came into it or not.

CameraCoffeeCrochet · 20/05/2023 01:46

After I had my son and realised noone was going to step up like I could, I was around 27. I didn't take any crap because I was tired of bullshit 😆
44 now and I'm definitely less angry.

DepartureLounge · 20/05/2023 03:00

MaggyNoodles · 17/05/2023 21:26

I'm not sure what age I was, but I don't take any crap from anyone any more; I'm in my 50's.
I don't think you need to be particularly confrontational though. More factual.

Yes, I agree with this, factul and calm but no-nonsense, and also with the poster who says you learn how to be assertive when it's for your children instead of yourself.

One other piece of advice: stay well away from men who prefer you to be non-confrontational, and men who are non-confrontational themselves and won't have your back when needed. It can be incredibly confidence sapping to want to go to bat for yourself or your children and have some lily-livered nonsense about not rocking the boat etc dripped in your ear at the wrong moment.

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