To move DS in the middle of KS2? (ASD & ADHD)

[Laso]

Looking for some advice from other parents who may have or had children in a similar situation.

I have DS (8), Year 3, who has just recently been diagnosed with ASD & ADHD. For reference, although I know the language has changed, his ASD is very much Aspergers and his ADHD is much more prevalent. I am 23 weeks pregnant and we are soon moving to another village 15 minutes away.

The plan was always to keep DS at the same school, he has been there since reception. I have no issues doing the 15 minute school run. However, a few things have recently happened which have made me question whether or not it is time for him to have a fresh start in a new school.

DS doesn't struggle with routine change, obsessions or transitions. He is a lovely boy, in fact many parents comment on his kindness. He hasn't got a nasty bone in his body. His ASD / ADHD is almost all social based. In the last month, he started on ADHD medication, which has actually eliminated many of his more problematic ADHD and ASD traits (emotional disregulation, hyperactivity, unpredictability, distractibility). He is very clever and scored 'exceeding' for Maths and English in the end of Year 2 SATS.

His issues have always been with friendships. Unfortunately there are only 7 boys in his class at school, and they are all quite cliquey (as are the mums) and all football obsessed. DS likes Roblox, Mario, manga, comic books, drawing, lego. Not niche interests for a boy his age, but with the small pool of boys in his class, there is nobody who shares this with him. He does play with the girls, and often does drawing or reading with them, but inevitably they want to be in their own 'girls group' and want to play imaginative 'girly' games. He does get invited to birthday parties, but I suspect this is because, with so few boys in the class, it would be mean to leave him out. There were instances of bullying in the earlier years, but this has stopped now. He does fortunately have three family members at the school, but they are in different year groups and again have their own friendship groups.

Outside of school he plays wonderfully with two of my friends children, who coincidentally are also into Roblox etc.

Just recently, DS has started to say he has no friends and wishes to move school. My concern is: what if he moves school and the same issues arise? At least at his current school he has family members that he can spend time with and will look out for him. He is happy at school, in terms of the teachers, learning, but he just has no real, solid friends.

Has anyone any experience or words of wisdom?

Keep talking to him. Explain the pros and cons, get his thoughts. Then tell him to think about it. Give him some time and then have the conversation again.

And maybe talk to his school too. Get their perspective - are there things they can do to support him, socially?

What about the new school? It's worth having a conversation with them too. Speak to the Senco and his prospective class teacher of possible.

Then talk to your son again.

This isn't a decision you can make quickly and you need more information.

Good luck!

Would move be to a bigger school?

I moved my 11 yr old (secondary) 3 weeks ago because she was being bullied and had no friends. She loves her new school BUT only because she has 1 friend who she believes has her back . I dont think she would cope if she didn't have this friend and I worry about them ever falling out

She has asd and adhd and has anxiety and ocd's.
She is socially awkward (she doesn't believe she is) but she is more immature and doesn't always understand some social cues.
She is, like your son bright and in top set but I worry every day for her and worry that kne dah i may have to home school her. Its so hard to get it right.

@ChaosMoon I have mixed feelings about his current school to be honest. They acknowledge DS has issues with friendships, but they don't seem to do much about it. There's very little (nothing) in the way of lunch time clubs for children who struggle in the playground, I've considered volunteering to run one myself. They claim he is happy to be alone, but he says differently. Since his diagnosis, they've also attributed stereotypical ASD traits to him which we don't see at all at home. It's possible that he behaves differently at school, but they say he struggles with things like routine, which we do not find at all at home, in fact the opposite! And we don't revolve our family life around DS, so it's not as though he has a ton of accommodations at home which could explain this difference.

@Hankunamatata The school would be bigger. He's currently at a school with one form entry, so there's very little opportunity for friendship if you don't happen to click with someone in your year group. The new school has 3 forms per year group.

@icannotsay It is so hard. I am also considering home schooling. Glad you're DD has a friend at her new school and I really hope it continues to go well for her. x

My dd is great at school and conforms but very different at home. She is angry and destructive sometimes and I'm like her punch bag for all her insecurities (not physical).
She is also lovely and a great friend.
She always had friends until the middle of Yr 6 and then I think her peers noticed her differences.

I'm glad I moved her but I really wished I'd done it sooner as she was so unhappy for a long time.
I'm working really hard now to boost her self esteem and resilience.

No diagnosis here.
Moved for the last few weeks of Y3, then started Y4. No choice but to move schools de to distance.
He was instantly welcomed, got a group of friends. School were great.
Does he need any accomadations? I'd see if you can go get a visit to the new school, and speak to the SENDCO about what they have available.

If DS is on board, I'd move.

@icannotsay That sounds tough. School says he displays behaviours which we don't see ever at home, he is very kind, polite and considerate, just not very well understood by his peers at school. He gets on well with kids outside of school. I think it's a combination of school not being that supportive, DS being quirky and there being so few boys in his class. I too am worried about DS's self-esteem, as in recent months he has started to say he has no friends, is unhappy etc.

Hi, my son has ASD and dyspraxia. He hates sport, loves minecraft, comics and drawing cartoons. Luckily he has a couple of good friends with the same interests. He never mixes with the other boys who are all in to football and a few have bullied him in the past.

I think a move would be a great idea to help your son find friends who share his interests. I would try and speak to parents at the new school to get a feel for whether your son would likely fit in.

@CatsOnTheChair That sounds wonderful for your DS. So glad he's getting on well.

The school says he doesn't need any accommodations, but I'd argue otherwise. They say he is exceeding academically and doesn't need help accessing the curriculum. He can participate successfully in all parts of school life. However, I'd argue being friendless and bothered by this and it effecting your self-esteem does need accommodations. They've said he will not qualify for an EHCP and have been very clear that they wouldn't support an application for an EHCNA.

We have had a similar experience and it made a huge difference moving from a 1 form to a 4 form entry school - suddenly my child with ASD found a group of children with the same interests and had a great social life.

I would never have chosen the larger school in the first place coincidentally, as I was convinced that 'small' would be warm and inclusive etc. (this was all prior to diagnosis etc.). In fact it ended up being the opposite and things got worse as my child went up the school.

You have the perfect opportunity to move him, just go as big as you can so your DS has the best chance of making friends.

Just read your last message... we had a very similar experience. Our school even argued about the diagnosis and said they didn't even believe they had ASD. However we applied and got an EHCP partly on the basis that our exceptionally bright child needed to meet their potential and needed some small adjustments to do that.

Do not be fobbed off as things can escalate very quickly (and negatively) at secondary at which point getting an EHCP etc. can take a long time. I would be applying now so you are in a good position for year 7 etc.

@Grimbelina That sounds so similar to us. I too thought the small school he's currently in would be very nurturing and supportive. I would love for DS to have genuine friendships and playdates. He would too. He talks about my friend's children all the time and how he would like to see them more often as they all play nintendo, Roblox, silly games together.

I was going to apply for the EHCNA myself, but if we choose to move schools, it will be a different county. So I am guessing I need to decide what we're doing first before I apply? Incidentally the county we are moving from is notoriously bad for SEND support 😤

Would it be possible for him to try the new school
for a couple of days, see if he clicks with the school, teachers, a couple of kids (and vice versa)? If it feels like a good fit you could perhaps build up some new school friendship over the summer? (obvs baby allowing.)

I'd move him. He doesn't sound like he need a ehcp, it's just sound like he needs a wider group of peers.
I'd also look at speciality kids clubs with things he is interested in

Practical things: have you talked to and visited the larger school? Have you checked the boy/girl split in his prospective year group? Is there a place available? Is its SENCo/SEND offering any good?

@BlueChampagne I emailed the prospective school this morning to try to arrange a visit and speak with the SENCO, but we've hit a bit of a brick wall. They are saying we need to apply to the council for a place first, then if there is a place available and he's offered it, it's at that point we can visit, speak to the SENCO etc. Frustrating.

@BlueChampagne

I also spoke to DS's current school today and mentioned that we'd thought about the possibility of moving school due to all of this (it also makes sense as we are moving house). They said that his problems with friendships are likely to follow him and in their experience, changing schools doesn't make a big difference unless the reasons behind the friendships are understood and fixed.

His current school sounds shit in their understanding of his need for additional social support.
I've got twin DC, both ND, in Reception Year and moved Twin 2 to another, larger primary after Easter, as I was sick of the incompetent SenCo.
After a 40 min meeting with the SENCo at the new school, we've achieved more in terms of an action plan for Term 6 (referrals, SEN support in both class and during play time) than I did in the 18 months at her former school (the twins were in Preschool there).
Considering moving Twin 2 across for Year 1, now.

My Ds has Asd and adhd- I would say the higher he got up the school the more obvious the differences became . In your position I would move if the other school feels right .

remember schools are businesses some want you to stay as funding is per child not per class.

I also say trust your gut your his mum

Are there any local SEN groups to the new school where you could meet up with parents who have children with SEN in the new school and hear their experiences? CAMHS suggested this to me and it was really useful advice.

I would apply in the interim as you don't have to actually accept the place until the school offers it to you (well this is how it worked for me a couple of years ago but that could have changed).

Absolutely trust your instincts... especially on meeting the new Head and Senco. You really want them to be enthusiastic about your DC joining. I also think your current primary are wrong about the issues following him unless they are 'fixed'. They won't necessarily be 'fixed', they might just need to form a more niche friendship group, which is very hard to find in a tiny school.

So have they understood the reasons behind the friendship difficulties and come up with some ideas to fix them?
If not, then there's nothing to lose by moving!

It does sound as if a larger school might give a better chance of him finding others with similar interests - as you say, they're not uncommon interests.

Going to the school in your new village would also enable him to get to know kids in that village - he's not got the sort of interests that mean he will get to know them in the park.

Unless the new school turns out to be terrible, I don't think there's anything to lose in moving, other than perhaps the contact with the family members (I'm assuming you'd have said if they were siblings). It's unfortunate that the school won't talk to you - it would be so helpful to have that conversation. Hopefully if he's offered a place they would meet with you then, and perhaps make sure they put him in a class with others who share his interests. Do you have any indication of whether they are full? I can imagine that they might be reluctant to give you time if it's unlikely you'll get a place without appealing.

Just apply, then visit and meet the SENCO, you can always decline the place at that point if you decide it.

FWIW I think it's a bigger school and you get a good impression from the visit and SENCO, you should go for it.

At 8, he is old enough to have some input into the decision, so I think he will appreciate you taking him seriously if he says he wants to move schools, and you should take him to visit with you and ask what he thinks. Although the final decision is yours, he should be involved.

Also have you contacted the SENDIASS service - both for your current council and for the council where you'll be moving? They can advise about getting more support from current school, and may be able to advise about potential new school.

Oh, this is a bit of a tricky one. It sounds rather familiar in some ways though. My son is currently in year six and we did consider moving his school two years ago because we were having massive issues. He sounds very similar to your son, feels the worlds pain. He is very intelligent but struggles socially.
For what it's worth, we were told we wouldn't get an EHCP. I applied anyway as a parent, and it forced them into mediation whereupon we managed to get the school and the LA to listen to what he wanted. They then consulted the local autism, support service et cetera who suggested things that helped him , I wouldn't say he loves school now but he's far less averse to going. Feel free to message me if you would like to chat about this. I feel that because he didn't cause them any problems, he was largely overlooked until I forced the issue.