To move DS in the middle of KS2? (ASD & ADHD)

[Laso]

Looking for some advice from other parents who may have or had children in a similar situation.

I have DS (8), Year 3, who has just recently been diagnosed with ASD & ADHD. For reference, although I know the language has changed, his ASD is very much Aspergers and his ADHD is much more prevalent. I am 23 weeks pregnant and we are soon moving to another village 15 minutes away.

The plan was always to keep DS at the same school, he has been there since reception. I have no issues doing the 15 minute school run. However, a few things have recently happened which have made me question whether or not it is time for him to have a fresh start in a new school.

DS doesn't struggle with routine change, obsessions or transitions. He is a lovely boy, in fact many parents comment on his kindness. He hasn't got a nasty bone in his body. His ASD / ADHD is almost all social based. In the last month, he started on ADHD medication, which has actually eliminated many of his more problematic ADHD and ASD traits (emotional disregulation, hyperactivity, unpredictability, distractibility). He is very clever and scored 'exceeding' for Maths and English in the end of Year 2 SATS.

His issues have always been with friendships. Unfortunately there are only 7 boys in his class at school, and they are all quite cliquey (as are the mums) and all football obsessed. DS likes Roblox, Mario, manga, comic books, drawing, lego. Not niche interests for a boy his age, but with the small pool of boys in his class, there is nobody who shares this with him. He does play with the girls, and often does drawing or reading with them, but inevitably they want to be in their own 'girls group' and want to play imaginative 'girly' games. He does get invited to birthday parties, but I suspect this is because, with so few boys in the class, it would be mean to leave him out. There were instances of bullying in the earlier years, but this has stopped now. He does fortunately have three family members at the school, but they are in different year groups and again have their own friendship groups.

Outside of school he plays wonderfully with two of my friends children, who coincidentally are also into Roblox etc.

Just recently, DS has started to say he has no friends and wishes to move school. My concern is: what if he moves school and the same issues arise? At least at his current school he has family members that he can spend time with and will look out for him. He is happy at school, in terms of the teachers, learning, but he just has no real, solid friends.

Has anyone any experience or words of wisdom?

@lanthanum @Grimbelina The school says that he likes to play with one person, and cannot understand if that person wants to play with someone else and he's also inflexible with the games he's prepared to play e.g. it always has to be his games. They said that children do approach DS asking him to play. DS says that this isn't the case, he has asked other children if he can join in in the past and they've refused, so he's now 'given up trying' (in his words). School suggested today that they could try social stories with him. However, I have observed him playing with children outside of school, and he does not command play or only want to play with one person. For example, if playing on Roblox or the nintendo with friends, he's happy to play with multiple people, take turns, let them choose the game etc. He also loves making video recordings with his friends outside of school, and will happily act / reenact / play whatever role he's given. He can have a 6 hour playdates with 2 + friends and there are no arguments / concerns. So I am not sure where the disconnect is coming from between what the school is observing and what we observe at home.

@AuDHD4Me If you don't mind me asking, how is your DS doing, friendship wise?

@NameChange30 I haven't contacted the SENDIASS service, that's a good idea, thank you x

Better, now.
I think a lot of what was holding him back friendship wise is that he wasn't comfortable at school. He's a lovely boy, but he's very shy and when he's uncomfortable doesn't speak to anybody.
Now he is more comfortable, he's smiling more and far more interested in talking to other people. He has more friends now, and he is re-integrating with his class very nicely.

Is it possible that in school he has lots of other small stressors building up so that he is maybe not as able to play flexibly? I know my son can be very domineering in play at times and very flexible at other times. It seems to depend on mood and what other things are happening at that time. So when he's able to have play dates at home and get on with the other kids, maybe it's because he feels safer and more secure there?

The other possibility obviously is that they actually have no idea what your son like when he's playing because they aren't actually paying much attention and are just making assumptions.

maidmarianne I was thinking along the same lines and how behaviour can be so different depending on the situation, stressors and the amount of stress accumulating at any one time (and of course how well and for how long they can mask). My child appears NT to nearly everyone. Excellent at masking and when relaxed and happy could take turns, be empathetic etc. However, too long masking and things can look very different and his behaviour can surprise people. The challenge is then to work backwards and unpick the masking etc. (because sometimes it looks like they are happy and coping and not masking). Often this is almost impossible to work out. We also had coping at school/letting it all out at home... which often means the school jumps to the conclusion that home is the problem not school. It's incredibly hard.

@maidmarianne @Grimbelina This could well be the case. I don't think my DS is quite capable of masking, he's only 8, and his ADHD (definitely before the medication) was so prevalent that he was just hyperactive a lot of the time. I'm still not sure that the school setting he is at is right for him if his behaviour is so drastically different.

Some other things that disappointed me, I found out the SENCO is only in school 2 days per week. Is that normal, not to have a full time SENCO? I know it's a small school, but what about if children need support the other 3 days? The SENCO also said they used to run a lunch time club (once a week), but she wasn't sure if that was still running... which I don't think is good, there will be lots of children struggling in the playground who need support, they should know what they have available. And besides, what about the other 4 days? There has always seemed to be woeful playground support, there also aren't any teachers out at lunchtime, only generic lunchtime staff, so I'm not even sure how they are observing DS and making assessments about the way he tries to play / interact with his peers. I'm not sure how common that is with other schools?