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AIBU?

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Original poster

Who’s unreasonable me or the councillor

34 replies

Flipflop23 · 17/05/2023 15:31

Ok I will try and keep this short.
i have diagnosed anxiety.
went to see a councillor, had a few sessions and she thinks that I am a “people pleaser” I explained I have adult children, who are 19 and 23, they live away from home and I said my anxiety levels shoot through the roof when they come and stay. One is single the other has a partner but they don’t live together, I said that especially the one who brings his partner makes me really anxious as I struggle with change.
my kids don’t know I suffer with anxiety as I have never wanted to put that burden on them, although they I know I have my “quirk” which is I can’t stand mess.
the Kids generally give me very little notice when they are coming and generally only come when I’m a pit stop for them doing something else… no big deal as that’s what kids that age do.
but the councillor has said that they are trampling on my boundaries and I need to learn to say no to them.
no not only would I find this hard to do but wouldn’t I just be giving them trauma issues?
I said I don’t think I could do that and in not so many words told me that if I didn’t I wasn’t really helping myself.
just to clarify they both live a few hours away and it maybe happens 10 times over a year.
lots of other things were discussed but this is the one playing on my mind the most.

OP posts:
JMSA · 17/05/2023 15:35

My understanding of counselling is that they shouldn't really give you advice as such, but enable you to reach resolve on your own. It sounds like she has been advising you on what you should do, and is a bit forceful.
However I am guessing that what she said has hit a nerve with you?
It sounds like you are struggling to find the balance between being a 'good mum' (which you are!) but also attending to yourself.

Changethetoner · 17/05/2023 15:39

The counsellor isn't telling you what to do - that's not their remit, but they are advising you a course of action they think might benefit you. Of course you don't have to do this, but could you perhaps try?

If one time you are feeling especially anxious, could you try and say NO to the visit? Your children will not be traumatized by being told no, they will simply make other plans. You don't need to tell them why it's not possible to visit, just that on this occasion it doesn't suit you.

You don't have to do it all at once, stopping the visits entirely, but it really can be empowering to say NO on occasion, and definitely gets easier the more you do it.

Original poster
Flipflop23 · 17/05/2023 15:40

@JMSA think you’ve hit the nail on the head, she does it in a way that she not telling me what to do but you defiantly know what she means.
my kids are everything to me and I hate for them to end up in counselling because of me but I also I know I end up in situations that make me really uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Sissynova · 17/05/2023 15:40

I guess what do you actually want from the relationship and situation?
If you only see them/ they only stay with you 10 times a year that sounds like very little.
Would you actually want to see them less for the sake of a bit less mess one weekend a month?

I really don’t view it as them trampling all over your boundaries. I think most people view it as ‘going home’ at that age and don’t view it like a friends house where you would need an invitation. That’s how my family viewed it when I was younger and how I would view it with my kids when they are older. I would want them to feel comfortable coming back whenever they want and I don’t think that is being a push over.

If you don’t want to enforce this ‘boundary’ you don’t have to. Your counsellor sounds quite over involved.

user1473878824 · 17/05/2023 15:41

Why would saying “sorry you can’t stay this time” to a 19 and 23 year old traumatise them so much they need counselling though, OP? Visits which cause you a lot of stress and anxiety…

JulieHoney · 17/05/2023 15:43

What on earth do you think with traumatise them by being told it’s not convenient for them to visit?

Original poster
Flipflop23 · 17/05/2023 15:46

my issues mainly stem from if I don’t say yes to people with things like this then they will fall out with me and that thought really stresses me out.
there are loads of things.I’m like this with. If I think I’ve upset anyone I literally go into panic mode.

OP posts:
Throckmorton · 17/05/2023 15:46

What do you mean by very little notice? There is quite a difference, in terms of how reasonable they are being, between "I'm on my way, see you in an hour", and "is it convenient for me to visit next month?"

Original poster
Flipflop23 · 17/05/2023 15:47

@Throckmorton 3/4 days

OP posts:
Testina · 17/05/2023 15:49

I expect you said a lot more to your counsellor than you said on here.
On here, it looks like the root of the issue is your anxiety not their behaviour.

So if they just drop in at short notice and having other people in the house creates a normal about of mess but you can’t cope with that: it’s your issue, no boundary trampling.

But if you’re clearly explained that you need 48 hours notice and that shoes left lying in the hall upsets you and they still do - then that’s trampling on boundaries.

Or before counselling speak about boundaries overtook our conversational language: they’re just being bloody rude!

So which is it? Do they pretty much abide by your wishes (we all slip sometimes) or do they not even know what your wishes are? Or do, and don’t care?

It makes sense that if you are a “people pleaser” you might find it harder to tell them to phone ahead / put their cups in the dishwasher… but that doesn’t mean they’re crossing boundaries.

username98765 · 17/05/2023 15:49

At 19 and 23 I would explain the situation to them both. They are not children and I'm sure they will understand you need more notice etc.

FiveNineFive · 17/05/2023 15:51

Of course your kids know you suffer from anxiety.

AnxiousShep · 17/05/2023 15:52

You see your children visiting as change when it sounds like more of a regular thing. What is it about the visits that make you anxious and what changes would make it easier for you? Are there small steps you can put in place that means you are slightly less anxious but that make them still feel welcome? Maybe you want a little more notice each time?

Original poster
Flipflop23 · 17/05/2023 15:54

@Testina i can’t say no to anyone. So I end up doing everything for them because I don’t upsetting people and I think that saying tidy the bathroom after you ect will upset them.
the mess isn’t the issue. I’ve cancelled my own plans if they ask if they can come because I can’t say no

OP posts:
Anonymouseposter · 17/05/2023 15:56

You do sound anxious. I don't think your adult children would be traumatised, or need counselling in the future, if you asked for more notice of a visit. It isn't unusual for young people of that age to visit and make a bit of a mess though. It will tidy up quickly when they have gone.
Your counsellor seems to have read all the current blurb about "people pleasing" and "trampling over boundaries".
What do you really want to do? Do you like your children to visit? Do you enjoy seeing them, or are you overly anxious that saying No will do them harm? Would you like to stop worrying as much and relax more?
Doing things for other people isn't always people pleasing, if we care about family sometimes it makes us happy to do things for them.
If you dislike the visits and accept them out of obligation and fear of upsetting anyone that's different. Are there ways it could all be made more enjoyable that you could discuss with them?
Do what YOU want in the end. Your counsellor doesn't necessarily know best and shouldn't be telling you what to do

GalileoHumpkins · 17/05/2023 15:56

wouldn’t I just be giving them trauma issues?

It's doubtful they'd be traumatised by being told they couldn't stay this time.

CheersForThatEh · 17/05/2023 15:56

Is your counsellor actually saying that she thinks you're in a state of anxiety currently and that having your kids drop in and make a mess will further exacerbate your current anxiety and push you further into it?

In which case, do you think she has a point? Are the boundary issues that you dont feel able to give your kids rules about coming by with no notice and making the house a mess and making your mental health worse?

user1473878824 · 17/05/2023 15:56

Flipflop23 · 17/05/2023 15:54

@Testina i can’t say no to anyone. So I end up doing everything for them because I don’t upsetting people and I think that saying tidy the bathroom after you ect will upset them.
the mess isn’t the issue. I’ve cancelled my own plans if they ask if they can come because I can’t say no

Reading this made me feel very sad for you OP. That must be so stressful. You aren’t going to damage your children by saying no, they’re adults who love you.

Throckmorton · 17/05/2023 15:57

The issues isn't really the kids, it's that, as you know, you are a people pleaser. You could say to your kids the next time they say they are coming, "hey, it's fine this time, but if you could give me a week's notice next time that would be fab, as sometimes I have stuff on and I'd hate to say a visit isn't convenient because I didn't get enough notice to plan things around you coming."

CheersForThatEh · 17/05/2023 15:58

Flipflop23 · 17/05/2023 15:54

@Testina i can’t say no to anyone. So I end up doing everything for them because I don’t upsetting people and I think that saying tidy the bathroom after you ect will upset them.
the mess isn’t the issue. I’ve cancelled my own plans if they ask if they can come because I can’t say no

Based on your update, I agree with your counsellor.

I'm also curious how you raised civilised human beings without saying no to them? My kids would take advantage of that.

Sissynova · 17/05/2023 15:59

@Flipflop23 but why would you even need to cancel your plans because your children are going to stay for a few days?
It sounds like you have quite ridged rules which are dictated by your anxiety, can’t ask someone to do X, can’t have plans when Y stays but these seem unnecessary and at the end of the day if you don’t ever voice these things it’s not really a case of your kids trampling over your boundaries then.

Stompythedinosaur · 17/05/2023 16:01

I think you are probably being a bit over the top, you won't give an adult "trauma issues" by asking them to ask if it's ok before coming to stay in your house. But I get that it's easy to catastrophize when you are anxious.

Your councillor isn't there to ell you what you have to do, but I think it might be a fair comment that if you want things to change, you will need to do some things differently.

It sounds like she's asking you to give a bit more value to yourself and your own needs.

Original poster
Flipflop23 · 17/05/2023 16:02

@CheersForThatEh it’s got so much worse since they moved out. They are both in the armed forces so they are used to hearing no a lot which is ironic.

OP posts:
Evaka · 17/05/2023 16:05

Hi OP, sorry to hear about your anxiety. It sounds rough. Something you mentioned concerned me:

there are loads of things.I’m like this with. If I think I’ve upset anyone I literally go into panic mode.

I think you should dig into this with your counsellor before you start enforcing boundaries with your kids. Learning to care less about impact of your actions on others is very important- unless you learn how to break this pattern you'll find your counsellor's advice confusing and stressful as you're not getting to the root of your anxiety.

wildfirewonder · 17/05/2023 16:06

Flipflop23 · 17/05/2023 15:54

@Testina i can’t say no to anyone. So I end up doing everything for them because I don’t upsetting people and I think that saying tidy the bathroom after you ect will upset them.
the mess isn’t the issue. I’ve cancelled my own plans if they ask if they can come because I can’t say no

Sounds like you are a people pleaser with no boundaries!

The counsellor could potentially really help you with this, but you have to want to change.