Who’s unreasonable me or the councillor

[Flipflop23]

Ok I will try and keep this short.
i have diagnosed anxiety.
went to see a councillor, had a few sessions and she thinks that I am a “people pleaser” I explained I have adult children, who are 19 and 23, they live away from home and I said my anxiety levels shoot through the roof when they come and stay. One is single the other has a partner but they don’t live together, I said that especially the one who brings his partner makes me really anxious as I struggle with change.
my kids don’t know I suffer with anxiety as I have never wanted to put that burden on them, although they I know I have my “quirk” which is I can’t stand mess.
the Kids generally give me very little notice when they are coming and generally only come when I’m a pit stop for them doing something else… no big deal as that’s what kids that age do.
but the councillor has said that they are trampling on my boundaries and I need to learn to say no to them.
no not only would I find this hard to do but wouldn’t I just be giving them trauma issues?
I said I don’t think I could do that and in not so many words told me that if I didn’t I wasn’t really helping myself.
just to clarify they both live a few hours away and it maybe happens 10 times over a year.
lots of other things were discussed but this is the one playing on my mind the most.

You can say "no" to someone - that someone is you!

Give yourself permission to have boundaries. It's OK. And your DC will be just fine.

Perhaps try testing lower level boundaries so that you can move towards bigger ones as you gain confidence.

Different perspective here…

I’m going to assume you have a great relationship with your kids, they love you, and you love them. So is it that far out of left field for your councilor to suggest you practice setting boundaries with ‘safe’ people who are very unlikely to hate you for making a normal request? In other words practice being uncomfortable in a controlled situation with low stakes.

Now to be clear I’m not saying anyone will hate you for making a normal request. But you do seem to have a very unusual fear so I’m using words that I think you will relate to.

If nothing else…if you don’t want do what was suggested then tell your councilor’No’ and use that as an exercise in boundary setting 😉

@saltinesandcoffeecups we have fantastic relationships I’m really lucky we are all very close and I get on with my sons partner so I do count my blessings. I think the way you worded your comment was maybe spot on.

I think Saltines has a really good perspective on this. Op if your kids are armed forces then they're likely to be fairly robust people, and as you're their mum, I'm sure they love you dearly. Telling them no, and prioritising your needs isn't going to harm them. They might even be a bit proud of you.

I think part of the problem is I hide how uncomfortable I am very well. I’m the happy, silly one even when I’m really struggling.
i hate been the way I am.

The question is where does this stem from? That’s what you need to work through with your counselling sessions.

You are allowed to be your own person and say no to things that don’t work for you. You are not here to make everyone else happy. Be happy in yourself and don’t be afraid to say no.

Surely you don't have to cancel your plans if they decide to visit for a few days. They will be perfectly able to manage on their own if you are out for an hour or two.