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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Non-resident parent summer holiday contact

45 replies

Applebyapples · 17/05/2023 10:01

Asking as am genuinely not sure what is reasonable in this situation...the parents are separated, and dad usually has the 2 DC every other weekend. Dad works full-time, Mum doesn't work. How much is a reasonable amount of extra time to expect Dad to have the DC in the school summer holidays (using his annual leave)?

OP posts:

GoodChat · 17/05/2023 10:02

2 weeks, but it depends on how much he has them in the other school holidays, so how much annual leave he uses then.

Willyoujustbequiet · 17/05/2023 10:11

All things being equal 50/50.

quietnightmare · 17/05/2023 10:14

Same as when it's not the school holidays

If he can get some annual leave then whatever days he can get

And or

He could do every weekend

LittleOwl153 · 17/05/2023 10:15

As mum doesn't work and therefore we are not talking costs of holiday childcare here I assume... I would say at least a week for a holiday. Obviously if he takes other holidays as its cheaper - e.g. easter/half term then maybe less in the summer.

I'm assuming he's not offering any more than is EOW?

Oopsiedaisyy · 17/05/2023 10:21

Probably one or two weeks of leave, but depends on other commitments. Does she have another partner?

nicericey · 17/05/2023 10:23

My DH does every other weekend and half the holidays. His ex's working status is irrelevant.

nicericey · 17/05/2023 10:24

Oopsiedaisyy · 17/05/2023 10:21

Probably one or two weeks of leave, but depends on other commitments. Does she have another partner?

What does having a partner have to do with it?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/05/2023 10:24

I would say it’s fairly typical (as long as both parents have a good relationship with the kids, are good parents etc) to split the holidays half and half. Including in quite typical arrangements for primary aged kids, such as where kids usually got to NRP either EOW or EOW and one day in the week.

Not that usual for NRP to only have the kids on their term time days in the hols.

But it’s whatever you agree/ is court ordered (eg if NRP wants more) so can be anything. I’m just going from anecdotal evidence.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/05/2023 10:26

However if a mum of primary aged kids doesn’t work (which puts it into a more unusual category I guess) the dad would presumably have the kids for whatever annual leave he can get

IhearyouClemFandango · 17/05/2023 10:27

I would expect some kind of adult conversation, along the lines of two weeks' holiday, the usual weekends, and perhaps some extra maintenance to help cover the cost of entertaining the kids over the hols. A few dinners during the week etc.

It makes no real sense for potentially most of the father's holiday to be used over the summer when the mother doesn't work, and there are other school holidays to consider.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/05/2023 11:11

If I were the dad in this situation, I’d definitely want to have the kids for a good chunk of the summer hols, two weeks or so.

Schoolchoicesucks · 17/05/2023 11:12

2-3 weeks. Would expect the dad to take annual leave - so say 2 weeks for this. Then depending what both parents and kids want/what makes sense with locations possibly a 3rd week of kids staying with dad and doing some clubs or if mum and kids prefer not to do that dad does some extra meals or overnights that week and mum does stuff with them in the day.

3girls1boy1puppy · 17/05/2023 11:22

I think it depends if any of the children are 0-4 years old.

If there is a 0-4 year old then the resident parent’s work status is irrelevant. They would be at home providing childcare 24/7 for young children, only getting a break for 2 days out of 14. So in school holidays Non Resident parent should have them 50% of the time in school holidays. Either by taking annual leave, or by finding a relative to help out, or paying for childcare while they work.

If all children are school age then I presume Resident Parent gets time during school hours to have a break each week. And should therefore take up more of the school holidays. Non Resident parent should have maybe 2 weeks in Summer hols, 1 week of Christmas hols and 1 week of Easter hols. Again by using annual leave or by arranging for childcare during their working hours.

melj1213 · 17/05/2023 11:23

There are lots of variables but I'd say it would be reasonable for the NRP to have the DC for 2 weeks in the summer hols with the EOW also still being in place as standard. However, the RP should be flexible as to which two weeks those are, and whether they're taken as a block or as two separate weeks, as they don't work and the NRP will have to work within their company's holiday availability.

It would also be a factor to consider how much holiday the NRP can take during the summer holidays as when you factor in other times of year (Christmas, Easter, half terms etc) plus any holiday they might take without their DC (eg a week abroad with a new partner; time off to attend a friend's wedding at the other end of the country etc) then much more than a couple of weeks often isn't practical, especially if the RP isn't working and is available.

It will also depend on how old the DC are as older children are going to have a lot more independence and can be left to their own devices more. So while NRP might have DC for a week, unless they're going away for a holiday, then it's perfectly reasonable for them to leave a 15yo DC to their own devices for a couple of days while they're at work whereas if DC are 5 then they can't do that.

ExDH and I share custody 50/50 and that normally means DD spends every other week with each of us, however in the school holidays we tend to rejig things so DD spends longer blocks with each of us so that we can go on holiday and so it's easier work wise.

Because we both work we try to be flexible around each other so one year we might have DD for a straight 3 weeks each; the next it's alternating 2 weeks each and whichever parent only has 2 weeks with DD will have her longer over another holiday eg Easter; the year after is 1 week with me, 2 weeks with ExDH; 2 weeks with me; 1 week with ExDH etc.

The key to that is that we have a really good co-parenting relationship so we are happy to help each other out as and when so if the relationship is not a good one this might not work. Eg if we had agreed to have DD for 3 weeks straight each, I went on holiday with DD for 2 weeks but in the 3rd week I had plans one evening then, as long as ExDH was free, he would be happy to have DD for that night even though it was "my" week and wouldn't expect me to do the same on his time just to "keep it fair".

nicericey · 17/05/2023 11:25

Just to add here that it doesn't just have to be annual leave - parents are entitled to apply for parental leave (to be taken in week chunks). You have to be on it and organised with it as they don't have to give you the week you ask for. Also it is unpaid.

TheSnowyOwl · 17/05/2023 11:26

Usually the custody agreement should take into account holidays as well as term time.

OhBling · 17/05/2023 11:29

Too many variables to assess - eg what was agreed at time of separation, financial situation etc but I would hope that the NRP would WANT to have the DC for some of the holidays and would make plans accordingly.

OhmygodDont · 17/05/2023 11:33

I don’t think the other parents working status should really come into it.

During the holidays it should be split 50/50 as it’s not interfering with school so even if the parents are hours apart it’s fine.

A parent doesn’t stop being a parent because they separate. I’d look at a man/women very badly if they couldn’t be bothers in the holidays tbh.

aSofaNearYou · 17/05/2023 11:36

If the children are school aged then of course working status should come into it. Is there a reason she doesn't work?

If she's able and just doesn't, then I'd say contact as normal tbh.

WheelsUp · 17/05/2023 11:37

50% is ideal but I'm lucky if my ex does 7 days if he's not taking them on holiday. Longest he's done is 14 days for a holiday.
I've been divorced 10 years and he sometimes does an extra day at half term but I would be happy for him to do more,

StormySam · 17/05/2023 11:38

50/50 during holidays. For his 3 weeks Dad can put them into a kids club as working couples have to do and provide care around that.

Nordicrain · 17/05/2023 11:38

I think holidays should be split as far as is possible.

That said, if the working parent overpays maintenance to the non-working parent in order to allow them to stay at home to look after the child, then I might think slightly differently.

Sissynova · 17/05/2023 11:39

OhmygodDont · 17/05/2023 11:33

I don’t think the other parents working status should really come into it.

During the holidays it should be split 50/50 as it’s not interfering with school so even if the parents are hours apart it’s fine.

A parent doesn’t stop being a parent because they separate. I’d look at a man/women very badly if they couldn’t be bothers in the holidays tbh.

The logistics and working patterns are important though.

It doesn’t make any sense to both sides for 50/50 in the holidays if it isn’t 50/50 in general.
Why would the kids want to be put in full time holiday clubs they aren’t used to when they could be at their mums? In most cases the sahm would want her children to be around rather than in holiday clubs.

WheelsUp · 17/05/2023 11:39

Other parent's working status is irrelevant imo. The only way that it might make a difference is non-working parent has the ability to be more flexible with dates.

melj1213 · 17/05/2023 11:54

WheelsUp · 17/05/2023 11:39

Other parent's working status is irrelevant imo. The only way that it might make a difference is non-working parent has the ability to be more flexible with dates.

It's not irrelevant though as EOW doesn't equate to 50/50 just because it's school holidays. NRP doesn't have 50/50 in term time so why is 50/50 the default just because it's holidays, especially as the RP doesn't work? Presumably the RP relies on some sort of maintenance for the EOW set up, so can they do without it during the holidays if they are going to insist on a full 50/50 arrangement during holidays?

If I worked and ExDH didn't and he insisted on 50/50 during the holidays, if I didn't have holidays available or couldn't book the whole 3 weeks off then:

a) I wouldn't be able to spend time with DD in the other holidays as once the 3 weeks of summer holidays were taken into account then I'd have a week of annual leave to spread over the rest of the year - including Easter, Christmas, half terms etc - as I cannot afford to take unpaid parental leave as I earn NMW and unpaid leave would leave me financially worse off.

b) If I didn't want to take 3 weeks off in the summer then I l would have to put DD in some form of paid childcare which again would leave me financially worse off and potentially leave DD unhappy if she would rather be playing with her friends or spending time at her dad's as opposed to going to "sports camp" as it is the only activity I can afford and fits my childcare needs ... Meanwhile her dad is available as he doesn't have plans and so she could have been spending time with him instead.

c) I'd have to rely on family/friends to cover childcare which is a massive burden to put on them in the holidays.

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