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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Non-resident parent summer holiday contact

45 replies

Applebyapples · 17/05/2023 10:01

Asking as am genuinely not sure what is reasonable in this situation...the parents are separated, and dad usually has the 2 DC every other weekend. Dad works full-time, Mum doesn't work. How much is a reasonable amount of extra time to expect Dad to have the DC in the school summer holidays (using his annual leave)?

OP posts:
CadburyDream · 17/05/2023 11:55

Mine does none but it’s up to the parents I think 50/50 in holidays sounds good

nicericey · 17/05/2023 11:56

aSofaNearYou · 17/05/2023 11:36

If the children are school aged then of course working status should come into it. Is there a reason she doesn't work?

If she's able and just doesn't, then I'd say contact as normal tbh.

Wouldn't the NRP want more time than every other weekend though?

nicericey · 17/05/2023 11:57

nicericey · 17/05/2023 11:56

Wouldn't the NRP want more time than every other weekend though?

Show quote history

Also if the maintenance is near the threshold in terms of over nights then doing more of the holiday means lessmaintenance

Povertytrapped · 17/05/2023 12:05

In my case the NRP isn’t interested/available for any time in the school holidays 😡 unless it’s v last minute so he can mess me around. It makes life v difficult for me as I need to work ft (which is presumably why he’s doing it) but it’ll come back to bite him in the end when the kids realise he can’t be bothered…

Starlightstarbright1 · 17/05/2023 12:10

So many variables - is Dad self employed, employed - seasonal job really hard to get time off in holidays ?
how old are children ?

what does Dad want

Hankunamatata · 17/05/2023 12:10

I don't think there is a straight forward answer if one of seperated parent doesn't work. Perhps a week or two of annual leave, then pay for week or 2 summer scheme?

WheelsUp · 17/05/2023 12:14

NRP don't always live near the RP so school holidays may be the only chance to get a decent chunk of time together. It's the same reason why RP often don't want to give all weekends to the NRP- whole days make for better quality time together.
If there is a big distance then the school holidays may be the only time that the kids have to spend with paternal extended family which is also important to kids.

OhmygodDont · 17/05/2023 12:40

The resident parent could be a fully funded partner, they could be wealthy in their own right.

Just because they don’t work doesn’t mean the nrp should get to constantly check out of parenting because that’s what they are doing.

Just floating by on the bare minimum they can be bothered to do, and don’t say oh but work blah blah blah because how do single working parents with zero help manage? Because they do a lot work full time and manage so it’s all just excuses tbh.

Any non resident parent who wants to only ever do eow even during holidays is a lazy parent 🤷🏻‍♀️

aSofaNearYou · 17/05/2023 12:59

Wouldn't the NRP want more time than every other weekend though?

Depends on the situation - my DP is self employed and if he dropped his hours down so we had DSS half the holidays we couldn't afford the mortgage, and this is just a random example obviously. If they WANT more time then great, go for it, but my point is if the other parent isn't working for no real reason then I don't think the NRP should lose work to have them more for no real reason. If there is a parent at home and it's not because they are a carer or sick etc, it makes more sense for them to have them.

aSofaNearYou · 17/05/2023 13:02

Just floating by on the bare minimum they can be bothered to do, and don’t say oh but work blah blah blah because how do single working parents with zero help manage? Because they do a lot work full time and manage so it’s all just excuses tbh.

If we are engaging in whataboutery - if they were still a couple and one of them was out working while the other was at home, the one at home would obviously have the kids for the whole of the holidays, because that's the logical thing to do. That doesn't change when they separate, if they ignore that logical reality they are purely doing it out of the vague principle that the NRP should be doing more, it doesn't actually make sense.

If both parents were working it would be different, the time/childcare should be split.

nicericey · 17/05/2023 13:04

aSofaNearYou · 17/05/2023 12:59

Wouldn't the NRP want more time than every other weekend though?

Depends on the situation - my DP is self employed and if he dropped his hours down so we had DSS half the holidays we couldn't afford the mortgage, and this is just a random example obviously. If they WANT more time then great, go for it, but my point is if the other parent isn't working for no real reason then I don't think the NRP should lose work to have them more for no real reason. If there is a parent at home and it's not because they are a carer or sick etc, it makes more sense for them to have them.

That makes sense thank you. My DH is lucky enough that I have enough income to allow some flexibility in his job.

StopFeckingFaffing · 17/05/2023 14:44

So many factors as others have pointed out but I would expect the NRP to actively want to have the DC for some of the summer holidays as may be the only chance they have to spend an extended period together and go on holiday together

If NRP's work situation allows it then I think it would be reasonable for then to request anything up to 50% of all school holidays (split across the year) but will depend on how much annual leave the NRP gets per year

averythinline · 17/05/2023 18:01

usually school holidays are split across the year..... irrespective of working hours...
either the same so one gets 1st 2weeks summer oher 2nd 2 weeks then alternating weeks in one family one always has oct half term other allways feb half term or these are alternating as well..

the level of work is pretty irrelevant its the responsibility of looking after the children that should be equal...

Thriwit · 17/05/2023 18:16

Most people I know of who are EOW in term-time do 50/50 in school holidays.
In our case, we split summer so that each parent has a block of 2 weeks, and a 1 week, each. Easter is a week each, & half terms are alternated, to include both weekends either side (in case someone wants to go away). Christmas is one parent school end-Boxing Day, the other Boxing Day-school start, alternated annually. It works well.

Ex lives quite far away, so when they were younger he did a mix of annual leave, his family, and holiday clubs/camps. Means they get to spend quality time with that side of the family. They’re 10+ now, and he WFH, so instead of holiday clubs they just stay at his while he works.

Cantthinkofaname2203 · 17/05/2023 18:25

aSofaNearYou · 17/05/2023 12:59

Wouldn't the NRP want more time than every other weekend though?

Depends on the situation - my DP is self employed and if he dropped his hours down so we had DSS half the holidays we couldn't afford the mortgage, and this is just a random example obviously. If they WANT more time then great, go for it, but my point is if the other parent isn't working for no real reason then I don't think the NRP should lose work to have them more for no real reason. If there is a parent at home and it's not because they are a carer or sick etc, it makes more sense for them to have them.

Same here.

self employed means all leave is unpaid.

he’d happily have his kids for the entirety of the school holidays. However he can’t afford not to get paid for 6 weeks, and his ex won’t compromise on CM. If she waived it my wage would just about cover bills and the extra costs associated with having the kids, but we can’t afford to pay CM as well.

GoodChat · 17/05/2023 18:32

@Cantthinkofaname2203 can't he have 50/50 contact?

Original poster
Applebyapples · 17/05/2023 19:00

Thanks for the responses, there's an interesting range of opinions. I've realised my initial post lacked a lot of relevant detail, so will try to add that and answer some questions. My DH is the dad, his kids with his ex are 15 and 13. His ex has a partner and another child who is primary school age. DH and I also have a 4 year old and an 8 month old. DH and his ex don't have a court order in place for contact, they arrange it between them and he pays maintenance as per the child maintenance calculator. He would like to see them more than EOW, but that isn't really possible due to the distance involved...they live 1.5-2 hours drive away (she moved to be closer to family and friends after they split, understandable). In other school holidays he will normally take a day's annual leave next to his usual weekend to make it a 3 day weekend with them

OP posts:
Cantthinkofaname2203 · 17/05/2023 19:23

If they’re 15 and 13 they’re old enough to decide themselves?

if your dh doesn’t have enough A/l or can’t take leave they can entertain themselves well enough and do stuff weekends and after work, and still do the long weekends.

GoodChat · 17/05/2023 19:24

What's he done for all the previous summers?

Original poster
Applebyapples · 17/05/2023 21:15

Oh and he's not self-employed. Their mum doesn't have any health issues that would stop her from working, just hasn't since the first DC was born. He's usually done 1-2 weeks over the summer holidays in past years

OP posts:
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