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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD 3 apologises after she has meltdowns

46 replies

rainbowcloudy · 16/05/2023 18:17

She used to do it sometimes after meltdowns. Now it's every time.

Say she can't have something she wants and then has a tantrum, once she has calmed herself down, she says ' I'm sorry mummy, I am ok now '.

I always respond, you don't need to be sorry for feeling sad. It's OK to feel sad sometimes when we can't have what we want. ( or something along those lines ). Then she apologises again.

Her tantrums are a little less frequent than before.

I have always tried to follow the whole ' validating feelings / distracting / being there for them ' approach for having a tantrum.

But there have been times I have told her to stop. This didn't / doesn't happen regularly. I've only told her to stop her tantrums a hand full of times. She's clearly picked up that having big feelings is wrong and something she needs to apologise for. I'm really sad about that. I've really tried my hardest not to lose my patience and tried to validate her feelings, but clearly, those few times I did tell her to cut it out, have made her believe that her feelings are something bad and to apologise for them.

Is there something I can do to help her understand her feelings are OK again ?

OP posts:

LaGiaconda · 16/05/2023 18:22

Well, I'm not sure that shouting and screaming are okay really. Obviously if you're three and you're tired and frustrated it's what you do. But if your daughter is recognising that one can get just get stuck doing that - and gets out of it - and says, yes, I know that it's been a pain for those around me, I think that's absolutely fine.

Give her a hug and move on would be my advice.

Undertherock · 16/05/2023 18:26

Would it be helpful to distinguish between the big feelings and the expression of those feelings?

Learning to modulate the expression is a very important part of maturity, and it’s part of what she’s learning. She’s also figuring out self regulation after an outburst and recognising those different emotional states in herself. Another key skill is repair.

It sounds like you’re providing a safe environment for her to explore all aspects of this. I think it sounds like you’re doing a great job.

None of us can be perfect and our dc’s big emotions are triggering for us. That’s ok because they won’t always be around people who love them unconditionally and will hold space for them. Sometimes being an imperfect parent is what they need too.

It’s ok that she feels things like regret. It’s just another emotion to move through

Sissynova · 16/05/2023 18:27

Feelings might be okay but vocalising it into a tantrum is not. Surely you don’t want her to go through her life throwing tantrums like a 3 year old?
Whats wrong with acknowledging it’s not acceptable behaviour?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 16/05/2023 18:30

She's clearly picked up that having big feelings is wrong and something she needs to apologise for.

I'm not sure where you're getting that from.

Regret/remorse is a normal emotion, just like anger, upset and frustration. I would just give her a hug, say "that's okay" and move on.

Notimeforaname · 16/05/2023 18:31

But it's not ok to carry on tantruming amd screaming when you dont get your own way.
I mean its normal now as shes still so small but as she grows up, I wouldn't be telling her its perfectly fine to carry on that way.

Aprilx · 16/05/2023 18:31

I truly cannot understand why you want to tell a 3 year old that it is ok to tantrum. I am not saying it isn’t a normal occurrence, but I am not sure it needs encouraging either.

TimeForTeaAndG · 16/05/2023 18:31

Thinking about times I get annoyed, once I have calmed down I will say sorry because I've snapped at DD or said something to DH.

I wouldn't worry too much about it, don't make a big deal of the apology eg that's ok, we all get big feelings and sometimes we don't know what to do with them.

Niceseasidetown · 16/05/2023 18:31

She's apologising for the behaviour not the emotion, which is commendable and not something to discourage.

DaaamnYoullDo · 16/05/2023 18:31

Being upset is OK, throwing a tantrum isn't. It may be better to specify what she's apologising for, she doesn't need to be sorry for being upset but she does need to be sorry for shouting at you.

Original poster

rainbowcloudy · 16/05/2023 18:33

Niceseasidetown · 16/05/2023 18:31

She's apologising for the behaviour not the emotion, which is commendable and not something to discourage.

That's true actually. She doesn't apologise if she's just a little sad. She apologises after big meltdowns.

OP posts:

OhcantthInkofaname · 16/05/2023 18:37

How about simply telling her not to have a tantrum? It's okay to feel sad but it is not OK to have an out burst.

daisy46 · 16/05/2023 18:40

I think it's great -- she should apologize for the actions that she is displaying when she tantrums. I don't know why you'd discourage that. You should be helping her understand that having those feelings are fine, but learning to control her behavior is the goal.

UWhatNow · 16/05/2023 18:41

She apologises because you’re over thinking the pop-psychology when you really don’t need to and she’s saying what she thinks you want to hear.

She’s 3. She doesn’t need some big mummy-daughter post tantrum analysis. You ignore (as long as she’s physically safe) and distract in a bright and breezy loving way when it’s subsided. That’s it. No need for the labelling or discussion.

Tantrums will happen and she’ll grow out of it. She doesn’t need to be burdened with ideas like ‘big emotions’ - what she needs a happy world full of rainbows and sunshine and a mummy who keeps calm and carries on when she flips out. That’s the job of a parent - to be the calm normality when they aren’t.

LysHastighed · 16/05/2023 18:42

I would clarify that she’s saying sorry for shouting at mummy or whatever, which isn’t OK, and then thank her for the apology.

NotAnotherBathBomb · 16/05/2023 18:44

I always respond, you don't need to be sorry for feeling sad.

But, she's not just sad though is she. While she may not have control over the tantrums due to her age, it's still good if her to recognise that it's not ok to lash out, scream, throw yourself on the floor etc. Sounds like you could learn from her!

It's a good thing. It's also a sign of her developing more understanding of her emotions, she'll soon be able to change that to control.

TizerorFizz · 16/05/2023 18:44

@rainbowcloudy How old is she? Is she DD number 3 or 3 years old? If 3 years old she should be moving towards understanding that crying and having a “meltdown” is not an acceptable response to being told she cannot have something. It’s wearing for everyone around her. Does she do this at nursery or is it reserved for you? My DDs rarely did this. Hardly ever. I can remember a couple right now! I also remember just leaving them to get on with it and get over it. Hug afterwards. The penny drops pretty quickly that a tantrum doesn’t work. Language skills are improved by arguing their point of view!

maddening · 16/05/2023 18:46

Her feelings are valid but her expression is what needs addressing and why she is apologising- you don't need to validate that, you could ask her to talk through how she should have behaved instead of the meltdown - eg it is fine to feel sad or angry, but how could you have dealt with that without having a tantrum, then ask how it would have helped her to change her reaction -eg she would not be as upset, she would not have embarrassed herself, she would be able to discuss and possibly work out a compromise, she would feel more calm.

Feelslikespring2 · 16/05/2023 19:10

Overthinking it. It's probably just a phrase she's clinging too at the moment as they process sentences, words, meanings etc. You'd probs be even more annoyed if she tantrumed and never said sorry

Boxofsockss · 16/05/2023 19:18

I think apologising for having a tantrum is fine. Obviously she is a little child so doesn’t really understand the world but of course it’s not acceptable for adults to have tantrums so learning that early I do not think is a bad thing and is also probably allowing her to be able to learn the skills express herself in a more positive way much earlier than you had expected.

Like you have said it is fine for her to be sad but focusing more on what would be helpful in that moment rather than getting herself in a state is much more positive.

itsabigtree · 16/05/2023 19:21

OhcantthInkofaname · 16/05/2023 18:37

How about simply telling her not to have a tantrum? It's okay to feel sad but it is not OK to have an out burst.

😂
Telling a tantruming toddler nor to tantrum is so incredibly futile.

Butchyrestingface · 16/05/2023 19:21

have made her believe that her feelings are something bad and to apologise for them.

That's quite the reach.

Original poster

rainbowcloudy · 16/05/2023 19:58

TizerorFizz · 16/05/2023 18:44

She's 3. No tantrums at nursery, they're just reserved for me/ home.

Well, you're lucky then that your DDs didn't tantrum when they couldn't have what they want. My DD does it all the time, although the last few months it's getting less and less. It still happens sometimes though.

And now she apologises after her outbursts.

OP posts:

Original poster

rainbowcloudy · 16/05/2023 20:00

Feelslikespring2 · 16/05/2023 19:10

Overthinking it. It's probably just a phrase she's clinging too at the moment as they process sentences, words, meanings etc. You'd probs be even more annoyed if she tantrumed and never said sorry

I'm not annoyed about her saying sorry. I just felt bad for her, like I did something seriously wrong to make her think that she needs to say sorry for being upset.

But I can see now that she actually says sorry for a tantrum, rather than for just being upset. I'll reframe it next time.

OP posts:

UndercoverCop · 16/05/2023 20:08

"it's ok to feel sad/angry/frustrated/disappointed, but thank you for saying sorry for shouting/screaming, you know that's not the best way to show our feelings" (whatever behaviour the tantrumming consists of)

Doingmybest12 · 16/05/2023 20:10

I think little children can find their own loss of control and strength of emotions scary and hard to cope with so it is good to help them learn to express it more acceptably and with less liklihood of it escalating to high intensity, its not invalidating their feelings its helping them cope with them better.

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