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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD 3 apologises after she has meltdowns

46 replies

rainbowcloudy · 16/05/2023 18:17

She used to do it sometimes after meltdowns. Now it's every time.

Say she can't have something she wants and then has a tantrum, once she has calmed herself down, she says ' I'm sorry mummy, I am ok now '.

I always respond, you don't need to be sorry for feeling sad. It's OK to feel sad sometimes when we can't have what we want. ( or something along those lines ). Then she apologises again.

Her tantrums are a little less frequent than before.

I have always tried to follow the whole ' validating feelings / distracting / being there for them ' approach for having a tantrum.

But there have been times I have told her to stop. This didn't / doesn't happen regularly. I've only told her to stop her tantrums a hand full of times. She's clearly picked up that having big feelings is wrong and something she needs to apologise for. I'm really sad about that. I've really tried my hardest not to lose my patience and tried to validate her feelings, but clearly, those few times I did tell her to cut it out, have made her believe that her feelings are something bad and to apologise for them.

Is there something I can do to help her understand her feelings are OK again ?

OP posts:

TizerorFizz · 16/05/2023 20:21

@rainbowcloudy I do realise I was lucky but most DC we knew didn’t seem to have many tantrums either. Buying school shoes aged 10 is another netted!

The main thing is that it’s a learning curve. DC mostly learn it is better to use speech to get what they want. You can then bargain. It’s also not entirely wrong for DD to see you are unhappy snd apologise. It shows she has sensitivity for your feelings. Parents do seem to be the recipient of tantrums. Never nursery staff. I guess when they say no, it’s accepted as no.

TizerorFizz · 16/05/2023 20:22

netter!! Matter.

Juiceboxxy · 16/05/2023 20:26

This honestly feels like a stealth brag.
My child pulls my hair and bites and would rather die than say sorry.

poetryandwine · 16/05/2023 20:33

OP, I think it sounds like your DD is trying to grow up. It’s lovely, although at 3yo it is inevitably to a large extent about mimicking the grown ups she admires.

I would just thank her cheerfully for the apology with a big hug, and perhaps say something along the lines of ‘How can Mummy help you next time you have big feelings?’ She may have some good ideas.

Original poster

rainbowcloudy · 16/05/2023 20:33

Juiceboxxy · 16/05/2023 20:26

This honestly feels like a stealth brag.
My child pulls my hair and bites and would rather die than say sorry.

Oh, mine does that too. She also throws stuff in anger.. she also pushes her brother down and kicks him.

Then if I tell her off and stay firm and don't give in to what she wanted, she breaks down and screams and cries and then at the end, she says sorry. More and more now, but not every time.

Also when I ask her to stop doing something, she looks me straight in the eye and continues. It's better that I don't actually tell her NO or to stop, because that will just egg her on to continue. In fact, that's what makes her interested in what she was doing, even more than before I said no. I actually just try to distract her instead, as otherwise I know it's going to end in a tantrum. So no, not a stealth brag at all.

OP posts:

TizerorFizz · 16/05/2023 21:58

@rainbowcloudy She kicks her brother? I’m sorry but that’s just too far. It’s aggressive and you really must try and stop this. She’s not told to stop because she has a tantrum!? She’s holding all the ace cards with you isn’t she? So, do you actually allow her to be aggressive snd kick her brother and then allow her to get away with it because you don’t like her tantrums or her apologies? The apology is the least of the problems. I would stop overthinking and ensure she behaves in an acceptable way: with consequences if she throws objects or kicks.

mainsfed · 16/05/2023 22:13

rainbowcloudy · 16/05/2023 20:33

Oh, mine does that too. She also throws stuff in anger.. she also pushes her brother down and kicks him.

Then if I tell her off and stay firm and don't give in to what she wanted, she breaks down and screams and cries and then at the end, she says sorry. More and more now, but not every time.

Show quote history

Sounds like she acts up because she knows you let her get away with it.

Flowertight · 16/05/2023 22:18

You’re really overthinking. A tantrum is not a desirable action, although it’s understandable. Knowing it’s not is great and saying sorry is brilliant. It also marks the end of it which is a good way to move on.

Original poster

rainbowcloudy · 16/05/2023 23:02

TizerorFizz · 16/05/2023 21:58

I definitely tell her off if she kicks or hits/ pushes him. Then I ask her to sit for a while on the sofa. Like a time out.

If I notice she's starting to get a bit cheeky when I've asked her not to do something like, ' leave the balls in the ball pit, don't take them all out' - and she starts trying to test me, I sometimes distract her instead of having the battle every time. But that doesn't apply to when she is aggressive towards her brother. She's not aggressive too often. But he's a baby and pulls her hair sometimes. Which I also try to stop.

OP posts:

TizerorFizz · 16/05/2023 23:21

Well babies pull and grasp things that are near to them. Not sure that deserves bring kicked. I think you just have to get through the tantrums. Be firm about very undesirable behaviour. It is not acceptable to kick a baby. Remorse afterwards is all great but not doing the deed or tantrum is better. Hope this resolves itself.

PinkButtercups · 16/05/2023 23:34

My 3 year old always apologies after having a big tantrum.

I'm all for listening to their feelings and I do. So when he is calm he will come and apologise and we will talk about what he has done, what was wrong and how he can act next time.

Not sure why you feel it doesn't validate their feelings though.

Hitting, kicking, biting etc is definitely not on.

CabbagePatchDole · 17/05/2023 03:07

She sounds like an amazing, well brought up child. You should be proud of her.

sunshineandtea · 17/05/2023 05:07

Going out on a limb here but what you've described sounds like her trying to manipulate you.

You tantrums (for not getting what she wants) and is violent to her smaller brother.

Then you validate her and feel guilty when she says sorry??

TizerorFizz · 17/05/2023 06:52

@sunshineandtea I think that, as the behaviour is reserved for home, I said earlier she’s learnt how to pull the leavers there because nothing much appears to happen as a result of poor behaviour. Just a guilty mum and a chat. Then repeat behaviour and more chat. The tantrums and bad behaviour are not exhibited at nursery where behaviour boundaries are in place.

I do see jealousy in this behaviour towards the baby too. It’s very powerful. It’s also something Dc usually grow out of. She wants sole attention and finds a way to get it. Not unusual but never feel guilty about being a parent and enforcing behavioural requirements.

Sissynova · 17/05/2023 06:58

So the throws things, pulls hair, bites, kicks her brother and yet your OP is all about how you’re worried she’s not allowed to have feelings??

Original poster

rainbowcloudy · 17/05/2023 07:32

Sissynova · 17/05/2023 06:58

So the throws things, pulls hair, bites, kicks her brother and yet your OP is all about how you’re worried she’s not allowed to have feelings??

She doesn't pull hair or bite.

And I don't think it's wrong at all when she apologises after having been aggressive towards her brother.

That's not what my post was about. I was just concerned she was apologising after just having meltdowns with no aggression.

Of course she should apologise after having been aggressive !

OP posts:

BodyKeepingScore · 17/05/2023 11:10

I think it's important for her to know that big feelings and sadness are okay, but that tantrum if and screaming are not. I think it's reasonable for her to have the insight to apologise for that. And I think it's a positive thing for her to understand that she's allowed to "feel her feelings" but that they aren't an excuse to upset/act out at other people.

Nordicrain · 17/05/2023 11:12

You are over thinking this. Just carry on telling her it's ok to feel sad/ angry and leave it at that.

Youvebeenmuffled · 17/05/2023 11:15

We try to talk about okay ways to express ourselves when we feel sad/angry/frustrated. Which has now led to DS angrily cleaning the bifolds when he’s annoyed instead of having tantrum

BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 17/05/2023 11:34

rainbowcloudy · 17/05/2023 07:32

She doesn't pull hair or bite.

And I don't think it's wrong at all when she apologises after having been aggressive towards her brother.

That's not what my post was about. I was just concerned she was apologising after just having meltdowns with no aggression.

Of course she should apologise after having been aggressive !

Show quote history

"My child pulls my hair and bites and would rather die than say sorry." "Oh mine does that too." ?

Fiddlededeefiddlededoh · 17/05/2023 11:51

I am not sure about the validating approach for meltdowns in all situations certainly not for my kids. I have two kids with ASD. I find verbally validating meltdowns makes them deeply frustrated.

They know when their behaviour isn’t ok and they don’t want me “pretending” it is when it isn’t. Mine want soothing and coregulation with sometimes cuddles, sometimes space, sometimes calming breathing, sometimes telling them gently to take back control over their emotions, sometimes sharply telling them to take back control just to shock them out of the complete dyregulation.

I find that they really feel out of control during a meltdown and getting them back in the driving seat of their body or their mind or their emotions seems to be most soothing for them. I find the meltdowns end much quicker and so have much less shame associated with them (if the behaviour is bad) when I coregulate them down from the meltdowns rather than start by verbally validating how they are feeling. For me validation comes when they are back in the driving seat.

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