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Original poster

To be upset friend did not tell me they were visting

40 replies

greentreeleaf · 16/05/2023 16:55

Bit of back round infor.
Have a very close friend, who i have known for 10 plus years. We both grew up in the same city but they moved to a new city about five years ago. Since then we have both visited each other and seen each other about 3-4 times a year.

Friend is a person i regard quite close. We were both each others bridesmaid and are godparents to each others children. I found out last week that they came back to visit for a few days and met up with mutual friends of ours. They did not tell me they were visiting and only found out as i had seen on facebook pictures of their trip and day out with mutual friends.

I was rather surprised and a bit hurt that they didnt tell me they were up or text to make plans. Am i being unreasonable to being upset? They posted pictures of their trip so knew i would see. Dont want to fall out with my close friend but have no idea why they wouldnt tell me they were visting.

OP posts:
DucksNewburyport · 16/05/2023 16:58

I agree that is hurtful, but there could be a good explanation. For example, maybe the meet up was organised by the other friend (eg for a birthday or similar) so close friend wasn't able to invite you. And maybe it was a brief visit so they couldn't arrange to meet you separately?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 16/05/2023 17:00

I'm guessing the other friends invited them and it was a flying visit.

Original poster
greentreeleaf · 16/05/2023 17:01

DucksNewburyport · 16/05/2023 16:58

I agree that is hurtful, but there could be a good explanation. For example, maybe the meet up was organised by the other friend (eg for a birthday or similar) so close friend wasn't able to invite you. And maybe it was a brief visit so they couldn't arrange to meet you separately?

Thanks for your reply. Think I might just be being sensitive. That might be the case. Just unusual as we have always made time in the past for each on visits.

OP posts:
Wantcattostoppeeing · 16/05/2023 17:08

I can understand why you are upset OP but I have done what your friend has done a couple of times when visiting home. It's because I simply can't visit every one every time or if I am doing a flying visit for a specific event. I've don't it because I don't want to hurt the feelings of the people I can't squeeze in. I am defiantely more careful about social media though!

Original poster
greentreeleaf · 16/05/2023 17:09

TheYearOfSmallThings · 16/05/2023 17:00

I'm guessing the other friends invited them and it was a flying visit.

They were up for five days apparently, just from what I can see when they’ve posted pics of Facebook. Sure there will be a reasonable explanation for it though

OP posts:
fairycakes1234 · 16/05/2023 17:10

Im the opposite, i would have to ask, i would text and say you didn't say you were visiiting, we could have met? I wouldn't pussy foot around with a good friend, id want to know why so you find out and put it to bed.

Thebigblueballoon · 16/05/2023 17:10

Was it a five-day trip for the group of friends? Do you get on with them in the same way you do your friend?

Original poster
greentreeleaf · 16/05/2023 17:12

Wantcattostoppeeing · 16/05/2023 17:08

I can understand why you are upset OP but I have done what your friend has done a couple of times when visiting home. It's because I simply can't visit every one every time or if I am doing a flying visit for a specific event. I've don't it because I don't want to hurt the feelings of the people I can't squeeze in. I am defiantely more careful about social media though!

Can completely understand that. It’s never happened before so thought it just seemed a little odd. Especially posting on social media when they knew I would see.

OP posts:
MrsJamin · 16/05/2023 17:12

If you were each others bridesmaid, why do you say "they" and not "she"? Confused. And yes that's not ideal behaviour. Have you been getting along lately?

Original poster
greentreeleaf · 16/05/2023 17:13

fairycakes1234 · 16/05/2023 17:10

Im the opposite, i would have to ask, i would text and say you didn't say you were visiiting, we could have met? I wouldn't pussy foot around with a good friend, id want to know why so you find out and put it to bed.

Yes, i agree. Dont want to fall out over something silly if there was a reason behind it.

OP posts:
JulieHoney · 16/05/2023 17:13

When we go back "home" for a visit there are so many people who want or expect to see us that it becomes a dutiful roster of visits so no one is offended.

Quite frankly, it's knackering and sucks the fun out of seeing people, however much we care about them. After years of this, we no longer advertise that we're heading back and just see people as suits our schedule (and theirs, obviously) rather than try cram everyone in.

Perhaps your friends just fancied a laid back visit with one set of friends, so kept quiet about it otherwise. That doesn't mean they don't value your friendship, I'm sure you will do mutual things together in months to come.

saraclara · 16/05/2023 17:14

I frequently visit some friends in a town where I have other friends. But I'm there because the friends I'm staying with have invited me for a long weekend. I can't really turn round to my hosts and say 'sorry, I can't hang out with you today because I want to meet up with X'

BirbFriend · 16/05/2023 17:14

Did the other friend/someone else invite them?

It could be simply that they were going to be really busy with plans and wouldn't have been able to see you, so they thought it was easier to not mention it.

It happens sometimes, it might not be a significant thing.

BirbFriend · 16/05/2023 17:15

JulieHoney · 16/05/2023 17:13

When we go back "home" for a visit there are so many people who want or expect to see us that it becomes a dutiful roster of visits so no one is offended.

Quite frankly, it's knackering and sucks the fun out of seeing people, however much we care about them. After years of this, we no longer advertise that we're heading back and just see people as suits our schedule (and theirs, obviously) rather than try cram everyone in.

Perhaps your friends just fancied a laid back visit with one set of friends, so kept quiet about it otherwise. That doesn't mean they don't value your friendship, I'm sure you will do mutual things together in months to come.

This is exactly what I meant

VisionsOfSplendour · 16/05/2023 17:15

MrsJamin · 16/05/2023 17:12

If you were each others bridesmaid, why do you say "they" and not "she"? Confused. And yes that's not ideal behaviour. Have you been getting along lately?

If the friend is trans maybe there's some kind of issue around that, could that be the case OP?

Original poster
greentreeleaf · 16/05/2023 17:17

Thebigblueballoon · 16/05/2023 17:10

Was it a five-day trip for the group of friends? Do you get on with them in the same way you do your friend?

No, mutual friend lives close to me. So my friend was visiting for the five days and met up with the mutual friend. And yes, i get on with the mutual friend. We've met up as a group in the past but would not meet up just us two.

OP posts:
Soundslikeaterribleidea · 16/05/2023 17:18

It's really difficult going back to visit when you've moved away. Everyone wants a 'piece of you' from immediate family, siblings, aunts, cousins, grandparents etc and then also squeezing in seeing friends. I found my mum was also a bit jealous if I wanted to see other people when back home.
Try not to overthink it, and maybe suggest you go to see her soon for a catch up?

Original poster
greentreeleaf · 16/05/2023 17:20

MrsJamin · 16/05/2023 17:12

If you were each others bridesmaid, why do you say "they" and not "she"? Confused. And yes that's not ideal behaviour. Have you been getting along lately?

Sorry that is my bad grammar. Friend is female. Yes, we've been getting along fine before that.

OP posts:
Original poster
greentreeleaf · 16/05/2023 17:23

Thanks for your replies. I'm not going to over think it and take into account what most of you have said about visiting back home, lack of time and trying to visit multiple people. Will hopefully see the friend soon.

OP posts:
dancinginthesky · 16/05/2023 17:24

I think it's very exhausting if you always have to fit people in when visiting and wouldn't read it as a slight on my friendship if a friend hadn't seen me but been close by and posted on social media

... unless they only visited like once in a decade

I never say when I'm going to my hometown to avoid this entirely and see only who I have plans with otherwise it becomes a mission rather than a simple trip

Sux2buthen · 16/05/2023 18:38

MrsJamin · 16/05/2023 17:12

If you were each others bridesmaid, why do you say "they" and not "she"? Confused. And yes that's not ideal behaviour. Have you been getting along lately?

Really? Confused? It's perfectly understandable lol

mcmooberry · 17/05/2023 08:05

Do the children of the friend and mutual friend get on better than with your children? Sometimes it is that. I would be hurt by this, odd to put it on SM where you would see.

Cnidarian · 17/05/2023 08:20

Don't overthink it. I'm the person who lives away, and have several different groups of friends in my home city. They know each other and get on but aren't friends themselves particularly. I don't tell the other group if I'm visiting one set. As other people have said you feel rude on your "hosts", and also the quick meet up with the others just feels perfunctory. You don't then get quality time with anyone and it feels disappointing. It sounds like you see this friend quite often for someone who lives away, and I'm sure they value the one on one time they get with you and wanted that with their other friend. It's really the opposite of insulting, it shows your friend values quality time with each of you and wants to invest time in the relative relationships which can be hard when you live away.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/05/2023 08:25

You could send them a message and say you were sorry not to see them and would like to arrange a meet up soon. Doesn’t have to be passive aggressive and is a fair reflection of your feelings if you’d rather do something than wonder. She’ll probably reply saying they had loads on and she’d also like to catch up soon, but you won’t know unless you bring it up.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/05/2023 08:29

I agree with all the above...but then think its shit to plaster it all over social media. Of course it is going to be upsetting when someone is effectively advertising that they pretty much went past your house but didnt even meet for coffee.

Though because she has put it on socials that means that you can speak to her about it. Not confront, more 'hey I saw you visited (town), how was the trip?' And see what she says.

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