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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset friend did not tell me they were visting

40 replies

greentreeleaf · 16/05/2023 16:55

Bit of back round infor.
Have a very close friend, who i have known for 10 plus years. We both grew up in the same city but they moved to a new city about five years ago. Since then we have both visited each other and seen each other about 3-4 times a year.

Friend is a person i regard quite close. We were both each others bridesmaid and are godparents to each others children. I found out last week that they came back to visit for a few days and met up with mutual friends of ours. They did not tell me they were visiting and only found out as i had seen on facebook pictures of their trip and day out with mutual friends.

I was rather surprised and a bit hurt that they didnt tell me they were up or text to make plans. Am i being unreasonable to being upset? They posted pictures of their trip so knew i would see. Dont want to fall out with my close friend but have no idea why they wouldnt tell me they were visting.

OP posts:
saraclara · 17/05/2023 12:35

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/05/2023 08:29

I agree with all the above...but then think its shit to plaster it all over social media. Of course it is going to be upsetting when someone is effectively advertising that they pretty much went past your house but didnt even meet for coffee.

Though because she has put it on socials that means that you can speak to her about it. Not confront, more 'hey I saw you visited (town), how was the trip?' And see what she says.

No-one is obliged to visit someone just because they're in their area. They don't have to hide that they've been out and about with other people, for goodness' sake..

Foodiefan · 17/05/2023 13:14

My good friend was visiting her hometown and met up with one friend and not another because the first friend had just been diagnosed with cancer. Second friend challenged the lack of visit and it was very awkward for my good friend as she couldn’t share the diagnosis. Just concentrate on the fact you have regular visits with your friend and that’s a sign of a strong friendship.

JudgeRudy · 17/05/2023 13:21

I think the fact that your friend has posted on social media leads me to conclude that she wasn't being deliberately secretive and avoided telling you. There's been no fall out either so sounds to be like you're being a bit melodrama. In the nicest possible way this isn't about you. Do you update your friend on every social visit or event you attend? That would be odd if you did.
Why are you actually annoyed? That they didn't tell you about the visit or that they didn't squeeze you in? Both are unreasonable BTW.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 17/05/2023 13:21

All these excuses about it being exhausting... How is sending an extra text inviting and extra person exhausting?

mainsfed · 17/05/2023 13:26

I don’t understand why you can’t message a close friend and say ‘just saw pics of you being in town! Gutted to have missed you, assume you were fully booked and we’ll catch up next time you’re in town?Xx’

TheOriginalEmu · 17/05/2023 13:27

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 17/05/2023 13:21

All these excuses about it being exhausting... How is sending an extra text inviting and extra person exhausting?

It’s not the text is it, don’t be obtuse. It’s the time to fit in the extra people.

@greentreeleaf i have 2 friends that live close to each other. Im very close with both, they are friends but not close, it changes the dynamic when we are all together, it’s not bad just different. I prefer to meet up with them separately and it feels rude to leave one to see the other so I organise separate trips to see them. It’s not a slight on either.

Hummingbird10 · 17/05/2023 13:27

I did this to my cousin who I really love last year. I visited a town I thought she had moved to, but she moves a lots so I wasn’t sure. With hindsight I should have checked. To be honest it was a pop in and out to see the famous sights with my daughter and I knew if I were to have met family that it would have been completely different with little / no time for sight seeing, schleping around shops etc. I then stupidly posted a picture on Facebook. My cousin messaged me and said she was broken hearted. I felt terrible but admired her candour.. I would have held back a bit. I apologised profusely and said that I truly didn’t intend or want to hurt her and things settled. I suppose I’m wondering if it might be okay for you to tell your friend how you feel? X

DrMarciaFieldstone · 17/05/2023 13:30

I live far away from where I was born/family and friends still are.

I can’t see the same people each time I go home. There just isn’t time. I have friends who get upset like this, and it’s really frustrating, tbh.

Try not to take it personally.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 17/05/2023 13:48

A day out with mutual friends.... No room for op really?
Obtuse indeed...

gamerchick · 17/05/2023 13:52

MrsJamin · 16/05/2023 17:12

If you were each others bridesmaid, why do you say "they" and not "she"? Confused. And yes that's not ideal behaviour. Have you been getting along lately?

Annoying isn't it..

Post under the photos. 'oi, where was my invite' and see what happens.

Mrsmozza123 · 17/05/2023 22:49

As someone who lived ‘away from home’ for many years and had step families to juggle as well as friends, It got really tiring to try and see everyone. Eventually I decided to see everyone on separate visits so that I could have some quality time rather than clock watching ready for the next visit. Saw each person less but properly with no rushing off.
I wouldn’t be offended she may have had a purpose for her visit that unfortunately didn’t involve you on this occasion

justprance · 18/05/2023 21:00

Mrsmozza123 · 17/05/2023 22:49

As someone who lived ‘away from home’ for many years and had step families to juggle as well as friends, It got really tiring to try and see everyone. Eventually I decided to see everyone on separate visits so that I could have some quality time rather than clock watching ready for the next visit. Saw each person less but properly with no rushing off.
I wouldn’t be offended she may have had a purpose for her visit that unfortunately didn’t involve you on this occasion

Exactly. Now I do secret trips. No social media. No groups.

It's just too exhausting

Whataretheodds · 18/05/2023 21:01

Agree YABU. It's exhausting to try to meet up with everyone every single time you're in town.

WunWun · 18/05/2023 21:05

I think if I were that close with the person I would say "I just saw the pics on Facebook, why didn't you say you were visiting?! I'd have loved to have seen you 😊" or something.

ilovemydogmore · 18/05/2023 21:05

It personally wouldn't bother me for reasons already stated, so I would have text something like "hey saw you were in X! What were you up to? Hope you had fun, wasn't the rain awful! (Or whatever relevant locally specific observation)' because that is the normal friendly thing to do. You can follow up with "shame we couldn't have met up! When are you back next?'

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