DH and I have been together since we were 17. Since having our children (specifically our youngest) I feel like he has become controlling and verging on abusive. Apologies in advance for the long winded examples.
I was the main earner before I left full time work to have the kids. He has since had a massive pay rise and earns what both of us used to combined. I only work part time 2 mornings a week whilst DCs are at nursery. I earn approximately £800 a month and keep £100 to myself, the rest goes into the joint account for bills etc.
Since having the children, I mainly use the joint account for anything I or the children need. When I spend money, he gets alerts on his phone and usually texts me to ask what id bought. This is usually followed up by snide comments when he gets home.
I rarely leave the house alone. I don’t have any hobbies and I meet my friend or sister every couple of months for drinks/meals. Everytime I’m about to leave, he’ll warn me not to make a noise or wake the kids up when I come in and He’ll be very stand offish.
Recently, we went out for dinner with my friend and her partner. We met at the pub nearby whilst waiting for a taxi. Just as we were about to leave, he came over to me and I could tell he was in a huff. Apparently there was a man I went to school with at the bar who kept looking at me. (As you would if there was someone you haven’t seen for 15 years). He accused me of fancying him.
Over Christmas we got covid and it left me with a weakened immune system. I developed a cold sore which I have never had before. He full on accused me of having an affair.
He’s also started to slyly make comments under his breath as he’s walking by me in public. For example, if we’re out with my family, he’ll walk over to me, call me twat when no one can hear. I’m certain this is so I have a go at him and to everyone else it looks like I’m being completely unfounded and makes him out to be injured party.
In the recent past, our youngest had an allergic reaction. He screamed in my face saying I should have called him as soon as it happened. I explained that in that moment he wasn’t a priority at all and I had to sort out DC. He screamed in my face, called me an effing c**T and said that that was the worst thing I’ve ever done to him. That it was my fault he had a reaction and I should have paid more attention to what he was eating. DC has 20+ severe allergies and do all the meal prep, hospital appointments, diet research etc. I rarely respond as I’ve learnt he can’t argue if I don’t retaliate but I finally bit back this time. (I’m under no illusion that people don’t swear at each other but this just feels different).
The worst example, is he wakes me up in the mornings to fulfil his needs sexually. Our youngest has very broken sleep due to illness and mostly wakes up 2-3 times at night. At worst, it’s every hour. I’ve explained to him that I don’t like being woken up by him touching me or prodding me (sorry tmi) and that it’s not fair he expects me to do things after such a crappy nights sleep. He then sulks.
I’ve told him in unhappy with the way he treats me and he didn’t respond at all. Since then, he’s started to make off the cuff remarks about how if I leave he’s going to have the kids 50/50 and he “wont be a dad who sees their kids every other weekend”.
Its obviously being said to keep me here and it’s working! I’d rather live with him unhappily than be without my children.
im sorry for this incoherent stream of consciousness. I don’t know if I’m just being over dramatic (as he says) or if my worries are genuinely founded.