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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I'm being phased out by friend

35 replies

IBoughtMyselfFlowers · 16/05/2023 14:48

Hi,

I honestly don't know if I'm being silly or if actually my friend is cutting me out. If she is, she's certainly going with the long game method!

We've only been friends for little over a year, so still feel like we're in the getting to know each other phase.

Got on really well in the beginning, but the last few times we were due to meet up, she's cancelled. Almost at the very last minute. Once or twice, yeah - I guess that's life, but the past 4 times we were due to meet, she's cancelled 3. It's always just that she's a bit tired or had a busy day. No kids or anything. I wouldn't want to let a friend down with hardly any notice because I was just a bit knackered. It would have to be a good reason and I'd be really apologetic, but my friend doesn't seem bothered. Just kind of matter of fact about it. I don't want blood 😂 but a simple sorry would be nice.

This past weekend I was really looking forward to seeing her and actually just getting out the house for a few hours was an exciting prospect, but because she cancelled so last minute, I didn't have chance to rearrange anything. I kind of knew it was going to happen, but was hoping I was wrong. Obviously I was looking forward to seeing her specifically, but I had kept that Saturday free for weeks and there would have been other things I could have done if I had more than an hours notice. Was just another 'do you mind if we rain check tonight? Feeling a bit drained' type message. It was a proper night (out) out planned, with taxis sorted. I was literally all dressed up with nowhere to go.

Anyway, she always suggests another date, doesn't just cancel, otherwise I'd be more certain that she was cutting me out, but it's just so odd and I don't know what to think. Maybe it's like a compulsion to suggest another date, but actually wants me to just take the hint. If that is what she's doing, it's cruel.

Thoughts?

OP posts:

Wishimaywishimight · 16/05/2023 14:54

She either doesn't have the time, or the inclination, to actually meet up with you but she feels guilty and so keeps rescheduling (and then regretting it). if her reasons for cancelling were genuine she would be apologetic however this appears not to be the case.

Stop leaving the power in her hands, you will feel better if you take control and stop effectively waiting for her to decide if she wants to meet up or not. She is not available, for whatever reason, to be your friend. Next time she suggests meeting up I would fob her off, let her know (or think) you have a busy life and many other options. I would let her go to be honest.

Original poster

IBoughtMyselfFlowers · 16/05/2023 15:02

@Wishimaywishimight maybe you're right. She messages a lot and is always very chatty and keen to keep things going in that way, so I just don't get it!

OP posts:

Catlord · 16/05/2023 15:03

No apology? That's just inconsiderate!

Do you chat much between meetings and share a lot about each other? Is the friendship developing in other ways?

I'm not sure she's trying to drop you tbh given that she always suggests a date to meet then cancels rather than just a vague 'let's reschedule'. Perhaps life is just genuinely draining her. Hard to say. Not fair on you though she sounds self absorbed not to apologise as I say. Have you already agreed on the next date? You could ask her to confirm that morning then at least you've a bit more notice to make other plans.

I wouldn't be making any further effort though, 4 cancellations and no apology is a lot. If she wants to stick to an arrangement and see you then fine but leave it in her hands. Don't be available endlessly to listen to her troubles on WhatsApp either if that's happening.

Catlord · 16/05/2023 15:05

Not v well expressed there! I meant if you have made another arrangement then leave it with her to see if she sticks with it after confirming on the day.
After that, or if you haven't arranged then be less available.

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 16/05/2023 15:07

I think she’s let you down too much so whether or not she’s trying to cut you out, you ought not to make plans with her that leave you feeling left in the lurch.

protect yourself. Be chatty if you like but don’t make any more plans with only her

AIbaa · 16/05/2023 15:11

I have a friend who has done this about 4 times on the run, next time she messages me asking to meet I will be telling her I already have plans. It's always really flakey reasons as well.

Dontbelieveaword · 16/05/2023 15:13

If you would like to continue the friendship, I wouldn't be playing tit for tat and cancelling things just for revenge. That's just childish.
But I would check with her the day/night or a few hours before (certainly before you start getting ready) if she is still OK to go. I know you shouldn't need to do this but at least it would give you some warning and give you a chance to make other plans. Plus, it may make her realise how often she cancels if you have to keep asking her if she can still make it, and give her a much needed kick up the arse

Nevermind31 · 16/05/2023 15:28

Sounds like she uses you as a placeholder, in case something else comes up?
just say no next time

Workawayxx · 16/05/2023 15:36

It sounds more like she's flakey and/or struggling with life and that's why she cancels a lot. Maybe stick to lower key meet ups and stop giving her your prime time (eg Saturday nights) and accept other offers if they come up so that you don't end up without anywhere to go.

daytriptovulcan · 16/05/2023 15:47

Doesnt sound like a very fulfilling friendship any more. Just drop her, she's dropped you.

Eudaimonia5 · 16/05/2023 15:54

What did you reply when she cancelled the night out? Did you tell her you'd already got dressed and ready to set off? Did you tell her you were upset/annoyed/disappointed?

Be honest with her and tell her how it's making you feel.

And focus on finding new friends who don't treat you like crap

TokyoSushi · 16/05/2023 15:58

If you'd like to continue the friendship, I'd arrange much smaller things that don't really matter, like a coffee, or breakfast then you're not setting aside a whole day for her and can plan in other things too so it doesn't really matter if that one quick thing drops out.

kessiebird · 16/05/2023 16:01

I have a friend who does this. It's often anxiety related or that she can't manage two things in one day, so if there's a big football game at 3pm she couldn't meet for breakfast at 9.30am. I've known her for 30 years, that makes it easier. On average it takes 3 planned dates to meet up.

Seas164 · 16/05/2023 16:19

I'm not sure I'd focus too much on why it's happening but it is happening, and is unreliability something you look for in a new friend?

princessrapunzel · 16/05/2023 16:36

I used to be like this due to anxiety. Id like the idea of meeting but then panic when it came to it. I lost friends because of being flakey. Now im older im just upfront about it so people understand im not meaning to be rude. This might be the reason why, she might be trying really hard but the anxiety gets to much

Feelslikespring2 · 16/05/2023 19:19

Maybe bring it up and let her know how it's made you feel and she was she says. At this point being open and transparent might help as it seems you have nothing to lose.

Also ask her if everything is ok and if there's anything she'd like to talk about. Sometimes it's not you but something going on with them behind closed doors

Siestamama · 28/08/2023 17:07

Eudaimonia5 · 16/05/2023 15:54

What did you reply when she cancelled the night out? Did you tell her you'd already got dressed and ready to set off? Did you tell her you were upset/annoyed/disappointed?

Be honest with her and tell her how it's making you feel.

And focus on finding new friends who don't treat you like crap

Exactly. If it was me and this had been happening a lot, I’d 100% say this. I’d also tell her I’d turned down other events and people to meet up with her. Then I’d leave it in her hands to make contact again as I’d rather spend my time with other more reliable friends. (Depending on her reasons, the above response is for flakey people who don’t respect your time or who are trying to soft ghost the friendship). But if it was anxiety related etc, I’d suggest a relaxed informal catch up during the week like coffee where it doesn’t matter if she turns up or not (I personally would still go for coffee by myself and have a great time 😂☕️)

MavisMcMinty · 28/08/2023 17:10

Next time she arranges a meet-up, ask her if she’s going to cancel again because you don’t appreciate being messed around so frequently.

Maddy70 · 28/08/2023 17:15

Some people just look after themselves better than others. I have a friend a bit like this. So if on the day she doesn't feel like doing what we had arranged she is just very honest and says she prefers not to, or stays at home. At least I know she is honest

She isn't British and is from a culture where it is OK to change your mind

I quite like it as if I don't fancy doing something I just have say I do t fancy ot without having to explain myself

CherryMaDeara · 28/08/2023 17:39

YANBU but you would BVU to let her do this a fifth time.

She’s suggesting a new meet up out of guilt or a desire to better about herself as a flake.

Next time she suggests meeting up just say let’s play it by ear, you have a lot on right now.

And fade her out.

CherryMaDeara · 28/08/2023 17:40

Maddy70 · 28/08/2023 17:15

She isn't British and is from a culture where it is OK to change your mind

I quite like it as if I don't fancy doing something I just have say I do t fancy ot without having to explain myself

It’s not ok to do this last minute when someone has spent time getting extra special ready and booked cabs, it could cost money in outfits, hair dos and taxis.

cansu · 28/08/2023 17:47

You need to be less available. If you allow people to treat you like this, they will.

Mary46 · 28/08/2023 18:27

Op I stopped arranging things with flaky people. Its just not worth it. One off ok but if its a pattern..

Greenberg2 · 28/08/2023 18:36

I get the anxiety thing but if you know it's an issue then surely it's best not to keep arranging this kind of thing that involves someone giving up a Saturday night and arranging taxis. Much better to leave it until the day and suggest something then or arrange something low key, at least, so you don't keep letting someone down.

OP I agree with PPs I would in future only arrange last minute or casual meet ups - coffee, brunch etc. Your time is as valuable as this person's.

Conkersinautumn · 28/08/2023 18:40

Does she have a chronic health complaint?

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