To think I'm being phased out by friend

[IBoughtMyselfFlowers]

Hi,

I honestly don't know if I'm being silly or if actually my friend is cutting me out. If she is, she's certainly going with the long game method!

We've only been friends for little over a year, so still feel like we're in the getting to know each other phase.

Got on really well in the beginning, but the last few times we were due to meet up, she's cancelled. Almost at the very last minute. Once or twice, yeah - I guess that's life, but the past 4 times we were due to meet, she's cancelled 3. It's always just that she's a bit tired or had a busy day. No kids or anything. I wouldn't want to let a friend down with hardly any notice because I was just a bit knackered. It would have to be a good reason and I'd be really apologetic, but my friend doesn't seem bothered. Just kind of matter of fact about it. I don't want blood 😂 but a simple sorry would be nice.

This past weekend I was really looking forward to seeing her and actually just getting out the house for a few hours was an exciting prospect, but because she cancelled so last minute, I didn't have chance to rearrange anything. I kind of knew it was going to happen, but was hoping I was wrong. Obviously I was looking forward to seeing her specifically, but I had kept that Saturday free for weeks and there would have been other things I could have done if I had more than an hours notice. Was just another 'do you mind if we rain check tonight? Feeling a bit drained' type message. It was a proper night (out) out planned, with taxis sorted. I was literally all dressed up with nowhere to go.

Anyway, she always suggests another date, doesn't just cancel, otherwise I'd be more certain that she was cutting me out, but it's just so odd and I don't know what to think. Maybe it's like a compulsion to suggest another date, but actually wants me to just take the hint. If that is what she's doing, it's cruel.

Thoughts?

Or maybe she doesn't have anxiety (mumsnet tropes: anxiety, autistic, dementia, depressed) and is just extra flakey? None of us can say as we don't know her, but this would drive me potty. I once had someone cancel a meal out, very late notice, think she'd been hanging on to see how she felt, but if its more than once, I would also stop agreeing to/organising meet ups.

If she suggests another date, I’d reply something among the lines of “I am free then but only if you’re sure you’ll make it this time, as you’ve cancelled at the last minute the past 3 times we’ve tried to meet up”. That’d be her last chance from me and I wouldn’t continue with the friendship if the same happened again.

I didn't say the op has to accept this. It's just I have a friend who prioritises her well being. Perhaps this is what her friend is doing

Guys this is a Zombie thread

Ha ha, so it is! Hadn’t noticed the date.

Why are you bothering to keep this loser in your life? You've not been friends long, she may seem pleasant but is totally unreliable.
Don't see her for a while and put off any firm arrangements or maybe even cancel one before she does.
You're making far too much effort to be a walkover.
You are on her "Also ran" list, and don't have to tolerate it.

Agree with pp who said not to arrange anything on prime times like Saturday nights or anything you have to dress up / make significant travel plans for.

But agree with you that it’s confusing that she actively wants to make plans without seeing them through. She obviously has conflicted feelings about going out. Maybe she likes the idea of nights /afternoons out more than she likes seeing them through. But she hasn’t learnt this about herself so she is inconveniencing you / presumably others while she works that out. Which isn’t very fair.

Be straight and say "I'm not sure how our friendship is going to work. I really like you but I'm find it difficult when you cancel so often at the last minute. Can we talk about this and hopefully find a way through?"

I've a friend that does this. Cancelled last minute so often I started having a back up plan of what to do with my time because I knew she'd cancel. Stupid reasons too, like 'I can't do people today'. Then has the gall to call my country people rude (she's from another country).

I've accepted she wants a text message friendship, but can't be arsed actually seeing me unless it's something SHE wants to do desperately. Recently she said she'd do things with me if I actually wanted to do anything she liked. Like I was the reason we never caught up!

I've taken control ba K & won't allow myself to be treated so poorly anymore. I've relegated her to the acquaintance bench & don't accept any invites she can easily cancel.

It's time to make her a "low stakes friend". Stop giving her the prime time socialising slots, but instead put her in the "quick coffee after work" slot.

Even with all her excuses, which may or may not be valid, she's not keeping you as a priority in her life. So it's time to adjust accordingly.