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Original poster

am i guilty of gaslighting (re complaints about growiling)

53 replies

sort · 15/05/2023 14:25

DH likes to growl when he's angry. I really hate it.
Also our poor DS is having difficulties with his mental health and emotional regulation, so I asked DH if he'd stop growling because it sets a really bad example.
He told me i was gaslighting him by asking him not to growl. Is that right? Am i invaliding his response to me making him angry and therefore gaslighting?

OP posts:
Ktime · 15/05/2023 14:27

Nope, you are not gaslighting him, he is doing DARVO - "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender."

He wants to scare you. Which is abusive.

Doingmybest12 · 15/05/2023 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HolidayHankering · 15/05/2023 14:28

He growls? Like a dog?

Ktime · 15/05/2023 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Do you know just how many OPs are driven by unhelpful comments like yours?

Why troll hunt?

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 15/05/2023 14:29

Bin the growling DH and protect your DS.

HolidayHankering · 15/05/2023 14:29

humans don't growl.

They can though, if they are a pathetic twunt of a manchild.

sunlovingcriminal · 15/05/2023 14:31

Growls...

No, that's not on. It is weird, and aggressive. In the same way that you would ask someone not to shout at you in an argument, I think asking someone not to growl is not unreasonable.

Unless he is now identifying as a wolf or dog, in which case he needs medical help, and maybe some dog biscuits.

Lindjam · 15/05/2023 14:32

Growling?

Like a dog?

LTB.

MagpiePi · 15/05/2023 14:33

Your DH doesn’t understand what gaslighting is.
Apart from that, he sounds weird and controlling, and doesn’t give a toss about your child.

RafaistheKingofClay · 15/05/2023 14:33

WTF does he growl?

RoseslnTheHospital · 15/05/2023 14:34

Gaslighting is when the person doing the gaslighting pretends and insists that something is happening that isn't. It makes the victim doubt their own sanity or perception of reality.

So you'd only be gaslighting him if he didn't actually growl when angry, but you insist that he does whilst also criticising him for doing so.

It's an absolutely reasonable request to ask him to modify his behaviour to help your DS. He is wrong to object to being asked to change.

Fumnudge · 15/05/2023 14:35

Every time he does it, howl, bark and raise your leg for a piss. You'll dilute the potency and make him realise what a dick thing it is to do.

GretaGip · 15/05/2023 14:38

I'd throw a dictionary at his head.

Heronwatcher · 15/05/2023 14:40

Gaslighting isn’t this. That (broadly) would be if you said to him “I really love it when people growl, even in an argument, isn’t growling great?” and then the next time he did it you say “WHY THE HELL ARE YOU GROWLING, OF COURSE I NEVER SAID I LIKED IT, WHY WOULD I EVER DO THAT.”

Requesting that a grown man stops growling is of course perfectly normal and he sounds like a complete dick, especially if it’s upsetting your DS.

WhatNoRaisins · 15/05/2023 14:41

Gaslighting doesn't mean telling someone something they don't want to hear.

FortofPud · 15/05/2023 14:42

It's intimidating behavior whether he intends it to be or not, rather like punching a wall is scary to be around even if that person wouldn't lay a finger on you. If he's very frustrated generally that might explain why he does it.

To be honest i find the fact that he accuses you of gaslighting in response more concerning. If he'd said "shit you're right, it's a habit I've got into when I'm annoyed but I'll try and stop now I see it comes across as aggressive" then that would be one thing. To twist it round and accuse you of an abuse tactic... ugh. Unless there's part of the fight missing I actually think that's the bigger red flag.

Sparklfairy · 15/05/2023 14:47

I don't know why posters are confused or comparing him to a dog.

I've seen similar behaviour in men that have rage issues. And they think they're being 'good' by 'only' growling, because to them, they're trying really hard not to explode.

BritWifeInUSA · 15/05/2023 14:48

He’s obviously been resting MN where everything that irritates a person is “gaslighting”. Most inappropriately used term on this forum. This using gaslighting. Not even close. He needs to sort out why he’s getting angry all the time, before he looks at you and your response to it.

BritWifeInUSA · 15/05/2023 14:48

this isn’t* gaslighting

LakeTiticaca · 15/05/2023 14:52

Ffs he sounds a right charmer 😡 buy him a collar and leash and give him dog food for his dinner

Lindjam · 15/05/2023 14:53

@Sparklfairy I am nearly sixty and have genuinely never seen or heard any man growl. Hence my confusion.

I am sorry you appear to have experienced this repeatedly Sad

TellingBone · 15/05/2023 14:58

I can't imagine what this growl sounds like and I would like to request a clip. Who's with me?

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/05/2023 15:05

Fumnudge · 15/05/2023 14:35

Every time he does it, howl, bark and raise your leg for a piss. You'll dilute the potency and make him realise what a dick thing it is to do.

This. Even a short <woof> every time would take the power back.

If you wouldn't or couldn't do that because of fear, you need to plan to leave. Because he's using intimidation (and now bullshit) to control you.

Summerhillsquare · 15/05/2023 15:08

I would imagine your DS (and you) will be a good deal healthier and happier away from this environment.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 15/05/2023 15:10

I've been known to 'urrgh' in exasperation - are we talking an actual growl? Like a dog?

Dogs growl as a warning. What's he 'warning' you about? If you ignored it and carried on, what do you think would be next?

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