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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

am i guilty of gaslighting (re complaints about growiling)

53 replies

sort · 15/05/2023 14:25

DH likes to growl when he's angry. I really hate it.
Also our poor DS is having difficulties with his mental health and emotional regulation, so I asked DH if he'd stop growling because it sets a really bad example.
He told me i was gaslighting him by asking him not to growl. Is that right? Am i invaliding his response to me making him angry and therefore gaslighting?

OP posts:
Saucemonkey · 15/05/2023 15:12

He sounds awful. What man growls at his wife and child? It’s weird

TellingBone · 15/05/2023 15:15

Is he a bit of a lone wolf?

Heartsnrainbows · 15/05/2023 15:18

I would leave him. He is aggressive, emotionally unstable, a bad example and role model to your DS (of course he's struggling with emotional regulation if this is his male role model!) And lastly it is absolutely pathetic. HOW do you sleep with this man? I would dry up faster than a window vac.

Happenchance · 15/05/2023 15:35

It depends. More context is needed. Does growling provide a release for his anger or does he growl to make it known that he's angry. I.e. Does he growl when most people would swear/exclaim an acceptable alternative to a swear word, e.g. he drops an egg, growls and then goes about cleaning it up, or does he, for example, growl before raising his voice during a disagreement?

Happenchance · 15/05/2023 15:39

Sorry, I missed the part where you said he blames you for his growling.

Escapefromhell · 15/05/2023 15:44

Growling is threatening or warning behaviour in the animal world. It serves no other function. Does he do this in front of the people who he works with or is it behaviour reserved for his wife and child?

WeekendInTheBoondocks · 15/05/2023 15:47

Jeez where did you find such a prince. Throw him back in the dump where he belongs.

Ugh, why do some women put up with such shit.

Sheepsheepeverywhere · 15/05/2023 15:48

Guess that means opening a tin is the most you need to do for him now...

SquidwardBound · 15/05/2023 15:50

Invalidating his response?

A grown man growling at people is always an invalid response to pretty much any situation. No one should be validating it. He needs I address his problem behaviour.

I agree that he’s DARVOed the situation too.

StripedBlue · 15/05/2023 15:50

Why are others mocking it or not believing the Op? I can imagine that it’s like a grrr noise but more aggressive and prolonged.

SquidwardBound · 15/05/2023 15:52

Happenchance · 15/05/2023 15:35

It depends. More context is needed. Does growling provide a release for his anger or does he growl to make it known that he's angry. I.e. Does he growl when most people would swear/exclaim an acceptable alternative to a swear word, e.g. he drops an egg, growls and then goes about cleaning it up, or does he, for example, growl before raising his voice during a disagreement?

I‘m not sure growling at a broken egg is a reasonable thing to do either. At best it’s laughable (except he has no sense of humour about it).

If his ‘release for his anger’ is upsetting his wife and child, it’s not appropriate.

SquidwardBound · 15/05/2023 15:54

StripedBlue · 15/05/2023 15:50

Why are others mocking it or not believing the Op? I can imagine that it’s like a grrr noise but more aggressive and prolonged.

People are going to mock an adult growling at people or things. Don’t you think?

FictionalCharacter · 15/05/2023 15:57

There was another thread about a man who was growling at his wife and child, was that your thread?
It’s not ok for him to make aggressive noises at you and upset your child. It’s even worse that he thinks it’s ok for him to do it and thinks you shouldn’t try to stop him.
This isn’t normal behaviour at all and of course yanbu.

Manichean · 15/05/2023 16:03

I would bark in his fucking face. He is bullying you and your child.

Sheepsheepeverywhere · 15/05/2023 16:18

Or join in and bite his fucking leg?

KittyAlfred · 15/05/2023 16:19

Lindjam · 15/05/2023 14:53

@Sparklfairy I am nearly sixty and have genuinely never seen or heard any man growl. Hence my confusion.

I am sorry you appear to have experienced this repeatedly Sad

I’m 55 and have never even heard of men growling! Is it literally a growl, like an animal? Or a sort of angry muttering (because that I have heard of)?

elm26 · 15/05/2023 16:57

I wouldn't put up with my dog growling at me let alone my DH. What a weird thing to do.

Original poster
sort · 15/05/2023 17:48

@Sparklfairy this is exactly what he said, he growls to suppress his anger and his anger is caused by me

OP posts:
ifIwerenotanandroid · 15/05/2023 17:57

No, his anger is his own emotional response & it's up to him how he deals with it. Right now he deals with it by growling. He can learn other ways to deal with it - & he should, since you've said it's unacceptable.

RoseslnTheHospital · 15/05/2023 18:04

His anger is not caused by you. It's his emotion. Anger might be a reasonable response, or it might not be. And either way, he can be angry and feel anger but he needs to learn better ways of expressing it. Ways that don't upset your son and intimidate you.

SquidwardBound · 15/05/2023 18:26

sort · 15/05/2023 17:48

@Sparklfairy this is exactly what he said, he growls to suppress his anger and his anger is caused by me

You know that it’s not you.

He decides that he’s angry so he growls to ensure that you know he’s angry, feel intimidated and modify your behaviour to suit him.

That reflects badly on him. And him alone.

FictionalCharacter · 15/05/2023 21:40

SquidwardBound · 15/05/2023 18:26

You know that it’s not you.

He decides that he’s angry so he growls to ensure that you know he’s angry, feel intimidated and modify your behaviour to suit him.

That reflects badly on him. And him alone.

Show quote history

100%.
If he feels angry at work because of something that someone said or did, does he growl? I’m sure he doesn’t.

Fairislefandango · 15/05/2023 21:45

He's a twat for growling.
It's a massive red flag and part of a common script that he says you are causing his anger.
And he clearly has no clue what the word 'gaslighting' means.

Isthatascratchonmygrandmother · 15/05/2023 22:11

I never really got the real reason for a trigger warning in thread titles. Having been through alot of trauma I can read threads about pretty much anything and process and respond to them logically. This thread just triggered some very dark memories for me. My dad would growl but not like anything you're imagining. It was terrifying for us children. Never thought I'd feel that feeling again. Wow. Please leave this man.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 15/05/2023 22:17

sort · 15/05/2023 17:48

@Sparklfairy this is exactly what he said, he growls to suppress his anger and his anger is caused by me

He clearly needs a trip to the vet for neutering and a Cone of Shame.