To stop flogging a dead horse - family

[Nordicrain]

I would love some opinions on this - to figre out whether I am rightfully upset or whether AIBU on this.

There is so much nuance and details to this, but I am going to try keep it very high level. My family: dad and step mum (and my brother and two half siblings, all 18+) in one coutry, my two step sisters in two other countries (both with 2 kids, both separated from their partners). All in closish European countries. Me, DH and kids in the UK.

We don't see each other that often due to distance. And this is where my issue lies. We don't see them often, but they all see each other loads. My SSs casually mentioned this week that they are both going to see our parents this week, with thier kids, going to a summer house. So turns out it's going to be a fully family holiday - other than with my family. Loads of rubbish excuses about it being spotaneous (and conflicting stories about how it came to be, so they are clearly lying), but the fact of the matter is my whole family is holiday together this week and it wasn't even mentioned to me. Yep, it's tricker for us to go because it's further, but on two days notice it's of course impossible.

And the thing is that this isn't a one off. I think it's the 5th time it's happened in the last 2 years. On top of that my dad and step mum have visisted my SSs loads in the last year, and not been here once. My DD is starting to ask why her cousins are always getting toether and we are never there.

Similar story when we do plan holidays. It's all on my SSs availabity and terms. When they want and what they want to do. If it's inconvenient for me, I get told I am being difficult and "I can find a cheap flight from the UK, I don't know why you are saying it's expensive that day" (queue link to flight from Glasgow a 4am). If I try to put in place boundaries they just say ok, we will go ahead with out plans.

I've frankly had enough, and feel really hurt. Mainly because it happens over and over. I don't think they think "let's not tell Nordicrain", I just think they don't even think about it. And i feel left out, and sad for my kids who are getting left out as a result. The only way I think of taking control of the situation is just to distance myself from them completely, but I can't figure out if I am cutting off my nose to spite my face, and depriving my kids of their (disinterested) expended family. WIBU to just take a massive step back, give up on trying to be involved and, effectively, grey rock the lot of them?

I wonder if it's that stepmum does the organising. So she organises to meet up with her daughters, and doesn't think about you because you're not her daughter. Your dad should be putting in the call to you to say "we're thinking of booking this...", but doesn't think of it because he's just going along with the plan and hasn't realised you'll be left out unless he does something. Your brother may hear about it just because he's more local and closer to your stepmum's children. Similarly with visiting you; your stepmum probably organises the visits to her kids, and leaves it to him to organise visiting you, but he doesn't realise he needs to do that, or by the time the idea comes up, there's no available time.

Have a chat to your dad, say you'd like to see more of him/them, and talk about how you can make that happen. Get him to help fight your corner on picking suitable dates, etc. If he can put the brakes on ("we need to check whether those dates work for nordicrain") when they first mention plans, that might help. Pin him down on dates for them to come and see you.

In the end of the day, some relationships within an extended family are probably always going to be stronger than others; try not to take it personally.

So this is basically just a case of your SSs both choosing to visit their family, rather than your whole family holidaying without you. Everyone else is in the same country so it's just the 2 x SSs visiting that's getting your back up? Depending on the relationship I'm not sure I'd expect them to ask you each time they wanted to go, surely it's up up you when you want to go?

If on the other hand your Dad has said hey everyone let's have a get together and leave Nordicrain out then thats different.

My hunch is that it’s your SM organising this stuff/carrying the emotional load of family life, and she’s prioritising her own kids. Is your Dad organising and arranging get togethers? Are you suggesting things and making the effort to arrange them? It’s difficult and I sympathise but to an extent I think it’s an inevitable consequence of living further away that family life will carry on without you.

In a way. But the result is that it means that the whole family is together, except my part. I don't expect them to "ask" me, but when they arrange to visit together so the effect is a whole family holiday (minus us) then yes I think the nice thing to do would be to at least mention it to see if we could make it. If I was arranging with one of them to go or visit or something I would definitely say to the other about it.

As I said, as a one off, I get it, it happens. But it's the continual lack of thought to include is that is hurting my feelings quite honestly. Noone has to include anyone, but it does feel a bit shitty to be the one who is constantly missing out on these family holidays and visits. And DD is picking up on it too.

I can't really talk to my dad, I've tried and he doesn't see the issue. He just says, well they decided to come visit.

They are probably not seeing it like that, they are probably just seeing that they are going to see their Mum and not think how that makes you feel. Just say to your Dad can you let me know next time they are planning on coming, or ask your SSs to let you know regardless of whether they think you can make it or not.

I guess it kind of is. I don't know.

I mean maybe it is inevitable. Being on my dad's end of responisbility and being further away. But, like I said, I do feel hurt and left out. I wouldn't do the same. Seeing the videos of them all in the family chat room and DD asking why we are not there, over and over, it makes me sad.

I guess my main query is what is the solution? And WIBU to just take a huge distance from them all, to avoid my own upset (and potentially the kids picking up on it)?

Am I right in thinking your stepsisters are full sisters to each other? In which case they will likely be closer, and since they live in different countries it makes sense for them to visit their mother at the same time, and therefore see each other. If so, I don't think they are excluding you.

They are.

Maybe I've just been kidding myself for the last 30 years that we were a well blended blended family, and all considered each other "one" family.

Also as far as a solution, you arrange to visit your father and stepmother and make sure your brother will be there too. That is an equivalent situation.

Btw do you mind me asking if your own mother is still living? I think that would make a big difference to how you feel about this.

No, she died when I was in my early 20s. So this is the only family I have. Which I suppose it why it feels shitty to be kept at arms length. My brother has mental health issues and my dad is clearly just rubbish. I am (or maybe the reality is I was) really close to my step sisters, I wouldn't even really refer to them as "step", and I guess I didn't expect them to not consider me part of their family.

I think the answers I am getting from this thread is that AIBU. Mainly unreasonable to have expected to be treated as eqaully part of the family by my "step" relatives. Which, frankly, confirms to me that it's time to step back altogether and let them get on with it without us if that's what they want to do.

I'm sorry to hear that and yes, it totally explains why you are disappointed not to be actively included. It is a shame that your stepsisters and stepmother don't bear this in mind, because the truth is fathers and brothers generally don't pull their weight keeping families close.

If you get on well with them, mention that your daughter would love a whole family occasion, and ask if they would count you in next time.

Which, frankly, confirms to me that it's time to step back altogether and let them get on with it without us if that's what they want to do.

I personally think this is a bad idea - I would talk to them and say "Please count us in for these holidays - I hate when we miss out, and DD would love to see her cousins". When it comes to family I would rather over-try than under-try.

If they invited you to all these things, would you go?

I’m a “local” sibling in a semi similar situation. We don’t tell distant sibling about many of our family meet ups because realistically they can’t/won’t come and it felt hurtful constantly saying “we’re all meeting for a bbq at x’s this weekend do you want to come?” to someone who lived hours away, was permanently skint, didn’t drive and realistically couldn’t say yes. The alternative was for none of us to meet up, which seemed ridiculous. So it might be that they’re being thoughtless or excluding you, or it might be they’re actually trying not to be hurtful.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. It is hard to be left out, whatever the relatives are. I would be tempted to speak to your father and step mother, before you cut them off, and ask if there is a reason why you are never included in the gatherings. Ask them to be honest and tell them how you feel. If you don't you will always be wondering and then at least you can be honest with your kids.
Does your brother get invited or do they use his Mental health as an excuse?

This is down to you and your dad not making things work. Your stepmother obviously makes more of an effort with her children as they do with their mother. You and your dad are the ones that are not connecting.

My husband has two adult step brothers, he would not for a minute think of visiting them or going on holiday with them.

@Nordicrain

As @Darkchocolatekitkat has said

'My hunch is that it’s your SM organising this stuff/carrying the emotional load of family life, and she’s prioritising her own kids. Is your Dad organising and arranging get togethers? Are you suggesting things and making the effort to arrange them? It’s difficult and I sympathise but to an extent I think it’s an inevitable consequence of living further away that family life will carry on without you'

I think this sums it up really. Women tend to do all the organising so your SM's first thought is towards her daughters.
Can you arrange to go visit your Dad without seeing your SS? You would see him, your brother & half-siblings.
Don't even talk to your SM about it - talk to your Dad. Arrange it with him directly. It doesn't matter if the SS aren't there - you're not visiting to see them.

This is definitely crappy of them. I think pulling back is probably what I would do too. However, if you think it’s more thoughtlessness than outright nastiness then it may be worth speaking to your SM and dad about it honestly. Be totally honest about how you feel left out and your dc notice it. If after this it’s still the same then I definitely would just think ‘well fuck you’ then and not bother with them.

Do you ever do the instigating?

Do you suggest a big family holiday with everyone, find a location and organise dates?

Can’t you organise something in The Uk for them to come to?

I couldn't come to all of them, but with notice I could make some of them. The point is it would be nice to be asked, even if I couldn't. Everyone has to travel, it's cheaper and there are more options for them, but we all have to fly to get there.

I do go see them (my dad/ SM). But it's always on my initiative and me (and the kids) travelling. My dad obviously feels that it's not his responsibility to make sure I'm included. I would like to think my SSs thought of me, but obviously they don't. I guess I would handle it differently, but as I said above maybe this thread has jstu made me realise that I feel more that we are a family than they do.

@TheYearOfSmallThings Maybe, but I am not really willing to let my kids feel like spare parts or not quite like "real" family in all these contexts. It's a horrible feeling.

@moose62 my borther still lives with them as his MH issues are so serious he cannot live alone. They are well managed, but he needs support. I couldn't ring him up and arrange something. We aren't very close either (due in part to his MH, he just simply is difficutl to be "close" to).

I guess my main query is what is the solution? And WIBU to just take a huge distance from them all, to avoid my own upset (and potentially the kids picking up on it)?

YANBU. It takes 10 secs to message and say we are going to visit parents on this date, would love to see you there.

They are either (i) wrapped up in their lives and don't think to ask you (ii) don't want to work around your availability (iii) prefer your parents' attention to be on them and their dc {iv) see you as different because you are married (v) prefer to have more room to themselves as you, DH and dc would take a room/s.

Yes, I do. Often. It always ends up being on my SS's terms though.

I've asked. It's too expensive/ no convenient etc etc etc. last time my SSs came to the UK was 6 years ago. Actually one of them has been to visit friends here since.

I think if you do all the organising for a holiday. Then their response will tell you the truth.

Either they will be enthusiastic, and once you've been together once or twice then it becomes more normal and routine.

Or they won't want to. In which case you know that a big family holiday is off the cards.

And instead you will just focus on visiting your dad etc