To stop flogging a dead horse - family

[Nordicrain]

I would love some opinions on this - to figre out whether I am rightfully upset or whether AIBU on this.

There is so much nuance and details to this, but I am going to try keep it very high level. My family: dad and step mum (and my brother and two half siblings, all 18+) in one coutry, my two step sisters in two other countries (both with 2 kids, both separated from their partners). All in closish European countries. Me, DH and kids in the UK.

We don't see each other that often due to distance. And this is where my issue lies. We don't see them often, but they all see each other loads. My SSs casually mentioned this week that they are both going to see our parents this week, with thier kids, going to a summer house. So turns out it's going to be a fully family holiday - other than with my family. Loads of rubbish excuses about it being spotaneous (and conflicting stories about how it came to be, so they are clearly lying), but the fact of the matter is my whole family is holiday together this week and it wasn't even mentioned to me. Yep, it's tricker for us to go because it's further, but on two days notice it's of course impossible.

And the thing is that this isn't a one off. I think it's the 5th time it's happened in the last 2 years. On top of that my dad and step mum have visisted my SSs loads in the last year, and not been here once. My DD is starting to ask why her cousins are always getting toether and we are never there.

Similar story when we do plan holidays. It's all on my SSs availabity and terms. When they want and what they want to do. If it's inconvenient for me, I get told I am being difficult and "I can find a cheap flight from the UK, I don't know why you are saying it's expensive that day" (queue link to flight from Glasgow a 4am). If I try to put in place boundaries they just say ok, we will go ahead with out plans.

I've frankly had enough, and feel really hurt. Mainly because it happens over and over. I don't think they think "let's not tell Nordicrain", I just think they don't even think about it. And i feel left out, and sad for my kids who are getting left out as a result. The only way I think of taking control of the situation is just to distance myself from them completely, but I can't figure out if I am cutting off my nose to spite my face, and depriving my kids of their (disinterested) expended family. WIBU to just take a massive step back, give up on trying to be involved and, effectively, grey rock the lot of them?

And invite your dad to visit you.

Suggest a specific date etc

This isn't nice and they know it isn't nice which is why they aren't being fully open about it and coming up with conflicting stories. It's also exhausting and painful for you. I hate to say it but from my own experience it won't get any better. If someone doesn't voluntarily and automatically want to treat you fairly and equally to other family members, then pointing it out or falling out over it won't make any meaningful difference. Don't waste your time chasing after someone who isn't very invested in you.

Don't cut off your nose to spite your face. It seems to be down to your dad who lets his wife sort it all out and she prioritises her own DC. He should be doing the same for you. It's horrible to be left out.
I've have a friendly chat with SS and ask to be included in future holidays and mention your DD's feelings.

This is how I feel. It's got gradually worse over the years, and I can't see it improving. It's not like I've not asked them to let me know "next time" so I can see if I can make it.

Also, if you want big group holidays them could you organise holidays with friends?

A step relationship is a tricky one to navigate because there is no automatic relationship and shared kinship.

It's not I want big holidays, I would like to spend time with my family and be include when they organise big family trips. So my children can spend time with their cousins, and so we can all see each other.

Yes, I agree. But we've always been close. It was always a "one family" vibe. But, as I said above, i acknowledge that perhaps I have read more into that than they have.

It's true that there is no automatic bond with a step-parent in the way there usually is with your own parent - but there is such a thing as common decency and fairness which seems to be somewhat lacking here. Excluding you from 'family' holidays and get-togethers is just not nice and probably comes from a place of deep insecurity or selfishness in the relationship if there's no particular falling-out with you as such. But you are still on the receiving end of it and the failure of your father to step in and say no that's not right is weak and unfair.

I’m in a similar position, and I don’t think YABU to be hurt, but I think realistically your step sisters are just closer to each other, maybe just because they live nearer each other, or for some other reason than not being full siblings with you, but right now they’re closer to each other, and they decided to go together and visit their family. - likely they’re visiting their mum not your dad really.

you could try make more of a connection with them all on an individual basis?
i always think, even if I feel like they’re being unfair, is there a possibility I’ll regret not giving this more effort? If the answers yes then reach out even if they’re not reciprocating
if the answers no, let it go

I’m a stepmother. My DH is dire at contacting his DC. I often remind him to do so. I’m lucky my DD’s (I call them all that regardless of our true relationship) get on well, message each other frequently and am blessed with an extremely well blended family.

I’ll also say DH’s biological DC are dire at contacting him. I get miffed occasionally that I’m the pivotal point of a lot of family get togethers and general chit chat and news. We are also spread across UK and EU.

if you want things to happen my personal view is you have to make the effort but I also agree if it’s not reciprocated it’s upsetting.

can’t say I’ve read everything on this post in huge detail but maybe you have to really start communicating with your dad, then when your step mum says she’s organising something you’ll be more in his mind and hopefully he’ll speak up for you.

a friend of mine got her mum a photo frame where all the her siblings can send photos to their mum (friend does all tech stuff) photos are loaded automatically for the technophobic mother. I think they’ve now got four frames synchronised and it adds another dimension to the family keeping in touch. The situation here was slightly different as all siblings felt mother was too involved with her hobbies and paid them no attention. The frame sparks off, what have they been doing messages and more contact has been achieved.

It’s your father who is the issue. I had much the same, but within different areas of the UK. As the first family we eventually ended up being airbrushed out and were an afterthought when he died being informed almost 4 days later. I suspect that your current situation will be ongoing and will potentially get worse the older your father gets despite whatever efforts you make.

Maybe I'll regret it. But maybe I will also regret spending my life accepting being a second class family member, and the same for my children. This is the exact question I am torn on.

If you are step sisters then are the children actually cousins?

Just thinking about it objectively, they are no relation to each other.

Is it worth trying to talk to whichever sister is the main organiser and explaining how you feel?

I just wouldn't bother with them any more tbh. Typical case of a man putting his second family first and not bothering with his kids from his first marriage.

Sorry, it sucks.

Yes, no blood relation. But my kids call my SM grandma, and my SS aunty and they have always been referred to as each other's cousins. This is what I mean, it's not like I've made up this close relationship in my head. It's definitely been a thing - we are all a family - especially when we started having children.

In which case I think that you need to speak to whichever sister you are closer to.

Say really calmly that it feels like they are excluding you. That it may not be intentional but that's how it feels.

My instinct was the same as many others - it's your SM that drives these things actually happening and she's prioritising her own kids. It's your dad that is letting you down.

I can understand why you're upset but I would also say, it's not unreasonable for your SS's to want to see their mum without you sometimes. I'm a step mum and I wouldn't want to always have to invite my DSS if I was spending time with my adult DD's. It sounds like the balance isn't right though, because your dad isn't equally bothered about making sure he sees you.

YWNBU to pull back but you would then obviously have to come to terms with having very little family.